Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This song made me weep tonight.... I love it. I can't wait for them to release it on an album.

I was able to see them to perform this live a few months back...incredibly moving

Turn Down the Music
If were hungry would we give you food
If you were thirsty would we give you drink
And if you were a stranger, would we let you in?
What would be the song the sing we’d sing to you, but never mean?
Would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?

Turn down the music
Turn down the noise
Turn up Your voice oh God
And let us hear a sound
A people broken, willing to love
Give us Your heart oh God
A new song rising up….

And if you were naked, would we give you clothes
And if you were an orphan, would we give our home
And if you were in prison, would we visit you?
What would be the song the sing we’d sing to you, but never mean?
Would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?

Turn down the music
Turn down the noise
Turn up Your voice oh God
And let us hear a sound
A people broken, willing to love
Give us Your heart oh God
A new song rising up….

Let it be our worship
Let it be our true religion
In this world, but not of it
Holding onto our confession

Despite some aches that I am going through right now, this song puts things into a better perspective for me. That in itself makes me want to cry.

I guess I wonder what I'm really doing to "turn down the music". What "would be (is) the song I'd sing to you, but never mean, would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?"

There has been more going on in my brain and my emotions than I care to go into, especially on a blog, however I will say this. I have a tendency to turn up the music in a figurative and literal sense. Silence in deafening to me. I don't wan to think so I don't sit, I don't bask in silence, in fact I flee from it. Therefore, I not only miss out on what God is trying to work on in me, but also I miss out on how I am supposed to be truly living out the 2 things God asks of me: Love God, love others.....

I'm life feels so trivial, there's so much bigger than me and what crap I feel like I'm in and dealing's not right.

This blog is just a jumble of words, but I have a lot going on in my brain so I'll just end it here

Thursday, July 16, 2009


.....I was hoping to do a better job keeping up with my journal, but life has been really chaotic for me between work and just being friggin' busy most nights of the week.

I hate it because it's 12:19 a.m. and I can't sleep. My soul is twisted in endless knots, therefore, my stomach is too. There has been a lot of turmoil in the relationships in my life recently and it bothers me to my core.

I admit that I have the ability to be confrontational, to address tough issues with people that you can tend to want to avoid. But I'm confrontational at times because my deepest desire is for peace. I don't like dissension, I don't like people arguing, it tears up my soul to have relational tension....I hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm passionate about my family and my friends and when those two worlds have turmoil and the waters get stirred up creating a storm of anger and hurt, frustration, and creates turbulence in my life. It's consumes me, every facet, because I care deeply about those that matter to much so that it keeps me up at night. The issues consume my thoughts, rob me of my joy, and make my soul ache. it's all I can think about, because all I want is for it all to be right, and I ache to make it right.

.....I can't seem to make it right lately. I can't seem to make it all work out and fall into place and make it work. Which is why I'm sitting here awake in the middle of the night. The relationships in my life aren't right, therefore nothing within me or around me feels aches and I hate it.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Picture of the Day #17 & #18

Katie and I's gutters on our garage are growing foliage....we think its funny.

#18 Aren't they cute! Supposedly they didn't know they dressed alike. Adam and Kris you're going to be missed when you move to Ukraine. I don't like it, but I'm excited for what God has in store for you!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Picture of the Day #'s 4-16

Ok so I haven't been downloading pics as often as I should but here they are (cue drum roll):

#4 This is a picture from my birthday/birthday party, I don't care that it's out of order, I love these girls

#5 This is where I live..... I love this neighborhood, I love these fences...I love this life

#6a This is my dash torn out (by yours truly) to install my iPod Car Connector to free my life/my car of CD So before:

#6b After.....:

#7 I have a tendency to do very random things (at my own expense) for a good laugh (for other's and myself). Hence why I chose to let Melissa draw a smiley face on my tongue...with a permanent marker - it burned off my taste buds for a few lie.

#8 "Somewhere over the rainbow...."

#9 Katie and I doggysat for Jack and Sadie....sheer madness

#10 Concert in the Park at America The Beautiful Park in Downtown CS

#11 Please note the little boy wearing nothing but his whitey tighties and cowboy boots on the top of the picture (mind you we were in the middle of a very crowded park).....good golly this was hilarious to me

#12 My pops planted these for my...they are doing great Pop! Thanks again!!!

#13 Rockies game ....Love that field. Good friends, good game, good time

#14 This hat is growing on me, I was really hating myself in it at first. I'm learning to love it

#15 Celebrating Sarah's birth. I love this girl. I'm blessed to call her my friend.

#16 Welcome to my hell. I spent 10 minutes staring at this huge beast in my room (The size/span of it was bigger than a silver dollar); breaking out into a cold sweat and nearly hyper ventilating trying to figure out how to kill since Katie wasn't here to rescue me from it. From a girl with a very big fear of spiders, this is my personal hell. Even after I killed it I almost slept in my car. It was 3 days ago and I'm still debating about that. I killed it from a distance with a Swiffer Sweeper.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Birthday Thanks and 27th Year of Life Photo of the Day #3

I realized that I haven't fully shown my appreciation towards everyone that made my birthday great.

My roommate and bestie Katie and my wonderful friend Carey helped me put on a fan-friggin-tastic birthday party. They set up a scavenger hunt around downtown Colorado Springs for those that wanted to join before was rad!!!!

I had a blast and everyone else did too!

Thank you to EVERYONE that joined me for my birthday to celebrate, for those that called, sent text messages, and wall posts on facebook to wish me a Happy Birthday. I felt extremely loved - y'all are amazing! Thank you thank you thank you!

I'm looking forward to making my 27th year of life great. Go big or Go home right?!?!

So here's the 27 years of living and on to 28!!!!! What God has in store I have no idea, but I'm praying for God to shape me into something closer to His image.


My pup is friggin' cute, especially when she cocks her head like this:

Sunday, June 7, 2009

27th Year of Life Picture of the Day Pics #1 & #2


This is our scavenger hunt team for my birthday! Kevin, Adam, and I. One of the clues was at BJ's Velvet Freeze...LOVE that place


These are the Toms I got from Katie for my birthday. I loooove them. Thanks Katie!

27 things to do before I turn 28

I turned 27 yesterday and I have been contemplating for a bit about how to make this 365 days of my life between 27 and 28 different. So I said to Katie the other day....maybe I'll find 27 things to do in my 27th year of life that have to be accomplished before I turn 28. Some of them will be tough, others just things I want to do.

So I'll begin the list today, and although i don't have 27 things yet, I'll be revisiting this list over the next couple weeks and adding to it until I find 27 things. so with that said here it goes:

1.) Complete list of "27 things to do before I turn 28 on June 6, 2010"
2.) Read the Bible 1/2 way through (no I'm not trying to be extra spiritual, I am needing more spiritual discipline in my life and this is an attempt)
3.) Be able to jog a 5k
4.) Be able to jog a 10k
5.) Go Skiing this winter
6.) Take at least "photo of the week" (52 total or more)
7.) Hike the incline 3 times
8.) Go to Maroon Bells to see the fall colors
9.) Weekend road trip to destination TBD still
10.) Read 5 non fiction books
11.) Spend 2 months straight not listening to the radio in my car
12.) Plant a garden
13.) Commit more time, energy, and effort to letting my family and friends know how much I love and appreciate them and why I do.
14.) Hike a 14er
15.) Visit 5 Breweries in Colorado (I know that's not many considering how many are here, and one of them has to be the New Belgium Brewery)

16.) Visit and eat at 7 local non chain restaurants (gotta support the locals)
1.) Leon Gessi's
2.) The Drive In

17.) Complete (Jog/Walk) Jack Quinns 10x's to get a free t-shirt!!! before the end of summer '09
1.) Date unknown
2.) Date unknown
3.) date unknown
4.) 7/14/09
5.) 7/21/09
18.) Camping Trip with friends (hopefully to Ouray)
19.) Visit the Duffy Roll Cafe in Denver at least 4x's - the best cinnamon rolls I've ever put in my mouth and eaten....the best
20.) Begin purging from my life the "stuff" I keep but don't need
21.) Bike to The Air Force Academy from my house 4 times or more
1.) 6/27/09 with Katie
22.) Commit to more random (and often unnoticed) acts of kindness.
23.) Pay off a huge chunk of my debt
24.) Visit the Cheyenne Zoo and ride the sky ride (I haven't been since they added all the cool new stuff)
25.) Conquer Super Paper Mario

......that's all I've got so far. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Holy Jamoses....that's not right!!!!!

So I've spent nearly 23 years of my life playing the violin, spent quite a bit of time playing sports (soccer, volleyball, basketball, tennis, and various other random sports here and there) - I'm hard on my body and I read a sign recently said that "most people take better care of their automobile than they do their body, yet the automobile has replaceable parts...." Interesting.

I've been a back and neck cracker for years, I'm just uncomfortable and it makes it feel better, so that's why. I also have a tendency to hold in my sneezes, because I work with children ALL day long, and if I sneeze on one of them....well let's just say parents don't appreciate your snot and spit going all over their child (I wouldn't either) so I've become accustomed to holding them in and sneezing into the inside of my elbow.

Well Friday Morning I wake up and as usual I'm sneezing and my allergies are going nuts, and I felt a BIG sneeze coming on and so I did my usual, I held it in....then POP! I feel something snap in my neck....uh-oh. Sneeze + holding it in + feeling a pop in your neck = not good.

I instantly felt like my neck was stiff and I felt this sharp pain going down the right side of my neck, but I'm accustomed to my body hurting/aching and not doing much about it - we all have stuff....let's move on shall we??!?! Well 9, then 10, then 11 am, and 12 and the hours are passing and my neck is hurting more and more and I'm feeling more and more tense and more and more off kilter. I mean I can literally feel my body tensing and becoming off kilter and screaming "something isn't right, you doofus, go see a doctor".

So after 6 hours of pain and it becoming excruciating I head for a chiropractor, all the while feeling terrible because this is the first day of my parents visit here in the Springs.

So long story short about finding a chiropractor, I managed to stumble upon one because my pops says "I think I saw one this way on our walk this morning" so "this way" I head and booyah!! I find one. Walk in and end up being there for 3 hours! Holy smokes! I find out the following, I have torticollis, and my sneeze was the final straw and my body wasn't going to take anymore. my body had completely shifted, my left shoulder was now in a resting state 3-4 inches (not lying) above my right shoulder, my head had literally shifted off the axis of my neck and so my head was shifted right (I mean seriously it was off center from my body), and the vertebrae in my neck had all curved to the the following is my x-ray. I wanted to share cause I thought it was so crazy!

That line down the center is actually what my spine is supposed to be in line with!! How nuts is that? That was a shot of my standing straight up, it was the only way I was comfortable....kuh-razy.

so after 5 visits I'm starting to feel better...this is going to be a long road...ugh.

I'm a firm believer in the power of Chiropractics lie.

...This is not my life

So let's set the stage shall we?

It's Thursday evening, roughly 10:25 p.m. My dog, Molly and I have been driving for almost 2 hours from Colorado Springs to the Denver International Airport (which is NOT in Denver...that's a blog for another post), it doesn't take 2 hours, but I'll get to that point. My parents were supposed to get into DIA at 9:55 p.m. it's not 10:25 and I missed the "cell phone" lot that's like 10 miles from the airport, so I just keep circling the airport in hopes that their flight will actually land and I can stop wasting my gas and from the look of Molly panting and standing from the back seat onto my middle arm rest....she's getting slightly restless, and yes my fear....nauseous from all the turning and circling and turning and circling and turning and circling.

So I have moments where I can get Molly to sit down in the back seat for a few (few being the key word here). So then we're on the outskirts of the circling the aiport and all of a sudden molly is standing from the back seat onto my middle console/armrest, I don't think much of it, and quite honestly I'm tired of trying to get her to sit back down.

All of a sudden, what do I see from the corner of my eye......Molly is dry heaving, her head bobbing back and forth as though she were convulsing. So what do I think to do?!?!?!: I say "don't you do it MOLLY!! DON'T YOU DO IT!" and I proceed to try and hold her mouth closed so her vomit cannot enter my car in any way shape or form, and finally I think "that's cruel" so......

I let her vomit her not nearly processed dog food into the palm of my hand. SICK!!!!

All I can think is: "This is not my life" I immediately called Katie and then Melissa to give them just a brief, yet poignant glimpse into my life....


I then proceeded to chuck the fresh yet rather solid doggy vomit out of my car window, almost striking another vehicle unbeknownst to me. Then I wiped off my hand, and followed that up bathing my entire arms and hands in anti bacterial solution....


Monday, May 4, 2009

late night thoughts from a restless heart

I can't sleep again, tonight I know why.

I am restless and my heart breaks for a little boy too young to understand that his world is collapsing.

For privacy sake I'm just going to call him "G". G is not even 2 years of age. I get to see him every week and be greeted with his adorable whole hearted, charming smile; dimples and all. G has been cared for for months by one of the most amazing foster families I've ever met, G belongs with them, he loves his foster family, they are stable, and nurturing, and they love him...they truly love him, and they have been going through the process to adopt him. He even looks like the family, you'd never know he wasn't their own flesh and blood. I've gotten to see G, move from one good foster home to the this one - and I knew in my heart he belonged with them, I can distinctly remember thinking to myself "this is, his true home, this is his family, this is where he belongs".

G sees his birth mother 1x a week since he was taken over 9 months ago. A teenage mother who can make time to have a boyfriend and do everything she wants to do, except get a job and take care of her amazing little boy. He doesn't even feel comfortable enough around her to seek comfort in her arms when he gets hurt and she's around....she's not his mommy. She simply his mother.

I get to watch and listen to G each week as he seeks the arms and affection of his foster mom, tenderly calling her "ma" because he doesn't yet finish any of the words he vocalizes - it's cute. I've never met anyone except those from the midwest (myself included) that ever called their mom, "ma".

I have watched G over the last 5 months grow from a scared, timid, unsure, silent, unable to walk baby boy - to a confident, bright eyed, affection seeking, laughing little toddler. He is precious, and his smile melts your heart.

And today, my heart breaks for G. He's being taken away from his foster to adopt family....

Simply because his case worker is too lazy to care about what's best for him. Ever since I met her 5 months ago, I knew she didn't care about him, or for that matter any of the kids she works with....she's a tired bitter woman that either was burnt out before she ever got into this job, or has been burned so much that she is now. And in my heart of hearts I say - get out. Get out if your heart isn't in it. You're in a job that requires that you care, that you give, and that your convenience and what you want isn't the most important thing.

She's just wants to close his case and get G's birth mother off of her caseload (I'm paraphrasing from a court hearing). They want to take G from his amazing foster to adopt family and place him with a Step Grandfather he's never even met....

These are the times that I am absolutely enraged by the system that was setup initially to help these kids, these innocent children...these babies. Instead its full of under payed, over worked, burnt out, hardened. Now I will say this: I know that not ever case worker is like this, there are some AMAZING women and men that work in the system who work tirelessly at a thankless job, and so I take this moment, to thank you for all you do. but this woman, this woman who is supposed to be advocating for G - I'd have some choice words for her if I ever met her.

So tonight, i pray for G. I pray for a miracle for a little boy who has finally been found by his family, a family that loves, and adores, and gives him boundaries and stability, and is at the end of this month going to have his world shattered and he won't even understand why. All he'll know is that the family that loved him is all of a sudden not there, and all he'll feel is that once again "someone must not have wanted me".....

G I'm sorry. I'm sorry that our system has failed you, that your birth mother failed you, and that we live in a broken world that has hurt you. heart breaks for G and I cry tears of ache for this little boy, and I'm praying for a miracle. God...I'm asking for a miracle.....

-love the least

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Daniel's Fast Day 9

You know I'm coming to a close on day 9 of this fast and i'm still waiting for some grand ephiphanies from God, but I have yet to be struck by lighting, see writing on the wall, to part any seas, or hear God in that "whisper of the wind". All in due time I suppose, I can say that I am feeling closer to His heart that I have in a long time and that is comforting. (Especially when I want to pick up the phone and order the biggest pizza known to man from Borriello Bros or to just shove a brick of cheese and piece of meat in my mouth) (Insert daydream of eating a fantastic meal here__________________)

I have been thinking to myself a lot "i'm going to eat this, or make this, or have this when I'm done with this fast". I have realized how much I LOVE cooking and baking since I haven't done or really been able to do much of it since starting this thing

I have learned how much eating is a social experience for me. Its hard to not be able to say "hey let's get coffee" or "want to go get ice cream". Even trying to find a place to eat with friends has been difficult and to tell you the truth its been robbing me of the joy of eating with others. I mean I am used to watching people eat delicious foods that I'm choosing not to eat right now, but it's awkward when it makes people feel as though they shouldn't eat in front of me. And that makes me sad, I don't enjoy making others feel that way.

So my goal, for the next 11 days is to try and make this as painless as possible for others. And I'm still waiting for that bolt of lightening to strike me to give me some wisdom on some things.

for now I'll just dream of eating a big fatty mc-fat-fat piece of pizza...

I have had some funny dreams about food lately.

-love the least

Monday, April 27, 2009

Photos from the past

So my mama sent me some pictures from my past, so I thought I'd share

I make a pretty schnazzy Minnie Mouse

I like being a helper, and apparently cucumbers the length of my body were needed...A-SAP! I was actually helping my Papa (grandpa) in his garden

And my uncle used to own a pig farm and we used to ride them, well, try to ride them

Slipper #2

Aaaaannnnnd this is slipper número dos that she got a hold of just yesterday. Sad, and yet funny. I'd say it was more my fault, but she was the one that jumped over the baby gate. Soooo I'd say it's time to get a second baby gate. What a stinker.

Slipper #1

Here is slipper número uno that molly got a hold of. Shame.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Daniel's Fast Day 5

I am 15 minutes away from finishing Day 5 of my Daniel's Fast experience, and let me tell youuuuuuu - it was a tough one!

I was awakened this morning by my lovely puppy Molly at (note it) 4:30 IN THE MORNING!!!

So Molly at this point is usually just like, take me out of here I want out I don't have to pee, just let me out. So it's Friday and I think to myself, ugh I'm not even going to bother waking up to go let her outside when she's going to stand out there 15 minutes and not pee.

so i brought her into my room and the moment I lay down I think to myself....I smell something....OH MY GOSH I'M GOING TO KILL HER! I smell Molly pee! So not only did she pee right next to my bed, she peed on the ONLY article of clothing on my floor!!! and she had so much in her tiny little bladder it could have filled a Nalgene I'm sure of it! Cause it took a lot of paper towel and cleaner to clean that crap up! So at this point I'm pissed, my dog has received a wack or two and I resolve myself (after she has whined for being put back in her crate) that's she's going to go have a visit outside and she's going to stay there until I get up to get ready in the morning and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

So needless to say, my endurance, grace, and patience had run plum out on this fine Friday. So my day didn't start off onto the best foot, I end up being late to my first appointment, felt like I had no idea what the hizzy I was doing working with kids in the first place, and....I'm friggin' starving!!!! I want EVERYTHING I am choosing (we had a talk in KGroup last night about not saying I "have" to do something, but rather we "choose" to do them), so on to what I was saying... I want to shove EVERY food I'm choosing not to eat for 21 days. Perhaps a big piece of chicken, and cheese, on a huge piece of white bread, a Dr. Pepper, and to top it off with a cookies and cream milkshake and a bag of sour gummy worms.

Good golly - I sound like a friggin' fatty!!! I mean Moses smell the Roses, calm down Rachel!

So it was a tough day. I tried to spend time praying, but in all honesty, I didn't do well today. I was in a crotchity modd, I thought more than once "I'm just going to go get a cheeseburger", and then I was reminded as to why I was doing this in the first place: I lack self-discipline and I'm seeking greater intimacy in my relationship with God.

So I didn't cheat, I can't say I was in a better mood, but I tried. I did some much necessary cleaning around my house, made some dinner, watched a movie, folded some laundry and called it a day.

Have I had any huge spiritual revelations or "shazam!" moments yet? Not really. But then again, I'm stubborn...really stubborn, which means I probably won't have a break through until day 20 of this 21 day fast.

So tonight before I fall asleep i will pray that God will soften my heart, that I won't be so stubborn, and that God will help me to wake up tomorrow and Live well.

That's what I want the most, for God to look at me and tell me "you lived well"

-Love the Least

Monday, April 20, 2009

Daniel's Fast Day 1

I have begun a fast called the Daniel's Fast. My brother and sister informed me of it. It is basically a vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no sweeteners (sugar) nothing but fruits, veggies, whole grains, spices, certain oils, and good 'ol H2O. No for those of you that are not aware....I LOVE SUGAR! I mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have it in some way shape or form...which is probably why I am the "shape" I am (round).

I decided to embark on this fast for a few reasons:

1.) I missing a huge piece in my relationship with God: time, intimacy, trust, faith, lack of awe, a number of things we'll just leave it at that.

2.) I lack self discipline. True success in life require self discipline. Whether that be in relationships, work, hobbies, exercise, finances - in anything for it to be successful you have to be self disciplined, and I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say I am lack such a thing and I would like to become a better person and start changing that.

3.) I stupidly mentioned the idea to Mel and she said "ok let's do it"....I'm an idiot (just kidding Mel), and I'm not one to back down from a challenge

I have determined several things upon the first day of this fast let's go over them shall we?!?!

1.) The self discipline I stated earlier that I lacked, well nothings changed, several times today I wanted to cheat

2.) ALWAYS go grocery shopping before something like this endeavor - I had to survive the day on Peanut Butter and all natural fruit ropes. As Pam (my sister) put it "you've got the fasting part down, now you need to eat" - that made me laugh.

3.) I REALLY love eating chicken, bread, cheese, and sugar (4 things forbidden) and as pathetic as it sounds, I missed being able to eat them today. ITS ONLY DAY 1. I mean, good golly, I should be able to go a day and not think about it, but no!

4.) I don't eat well, especially since I spend the majority of my day in other people's homes and in my car, so I either don't eat during the day barely at all, or I eat food that is just not beneficial to me

5.) regardless of how "little" I ate today, what good things I did put into my body, I managed to still go workout and feel great. usually if I go a day without really eating much and end up eating a little something (usually some crappy food) before I go workout I don't make it through my entire workout. Maybe God is trying to make a point?!??! To which I say: I sometimes really hate it when he does that :o)

So Day 1, DONE. Now time to sleep, if this heart burn would go away that would totally rock my world!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Incline

and I decided to conquer The Incline today. Katie was going to join but had prior plans with a friend. So Melissa and I headed on our way. Let's just say Melissa kicked my can, my view consisted of her being a good 100 steps or more ahead of me the entire time. Well played Mel! Needless to say that frustrated the junk out of me, but then...I had to get over it. Here's a few pictures from the adventure, Mel might post more later....

Please note in one, the lovely girl wearing SKIRT to hike 3,000 railroad ties...nice!

It was fun watching Mel "try" to avoid the slush. I felt bad.
I'm eating pizza one last time before I start the daniels fast for the next 21 days. Help me jesus

How cool!

So i JUST managed to discover that I could post a blog from my phone using my text messaging!!! How cool! Sorry if I'm a little slow for those that already knew this. but if you didn't....this is such a nifty feature to me. I can also do it from an email instead of necessarily trying to log onto my blog from my iphone. I'm impressed right now...well done blogspot. well done!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Fun times with new friends

So the past couple of days I've gotten to hangout with M and B and Katie which has been SO fun!

They're new friends I met through, and it's been good times, good times indeed. I wish I'd known them both sooner in my life, they're great, and they bless me.

yesterday we had a fun gathering and M and B's house you can read about it here she did a more than adequate job of detailing the fun had by all.

Tonight M came over, so we enjoyed the new Wii I got from my brother Aaron and sister Pam (SO FUN!!) Katie won (even though she states "I ALWAYS lose at games", yada yada, blah blah, boo hoo cachoo for you Miss Katie you are the 'SUPERSTAR") ;o)

And we watch High School Musical 3 which, what can I say...I laughed, I cried, ...I mostly laughed. It was enthralling, riveting, it had me on the edge of my seat, just wondering "WHAT WILL TROY DO NEXT?!?!?!?!" "Will Troy and Gabriella make it through this?!?!"

By the end I was exhausted from it all.

And we partook in the most amazing milkshakes EVER!!! I'm thinking of selling the idea to Josh and Johns. They were AH-mazing (Vanilla Kahlua, dash of milk, and cookies and cream ice cream) yum-o.

M and I nearly made ourselves sick off them...Katie could have taken or left it, but she wasn't feeling so hot...sorry Katie

Friday, April 17, 2009

Lord Help my unbelief

The following two songs have been tugging at my heart lately for numerous reasons. So I wanted to share. No need to watch, just read the words and listen. It's good stuff, I promise. I'll explain after you listen why I've been listening to these songs lately.

None But Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence I know there I am restored

When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again, I'll choose

There is no one else for me... none but Jesus
Crucified to set me I live to bring You praise

In the chaos, in confusion, I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will

when you call I won't delay
This my song, through all my days

There is no one else for me... none but Jesus
Crucified to set me I live to bring You praise

All my delight is in You, Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You, Lord
Forever More....

In Your Freedom

I search for you, God of Strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and hear my heart

I have nothing more than all you offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

I love you, Lord! You rescued me!
You are all that I want! You're all I need...

I pray to you, God of peace
I rest in You, my cares released
I pray to You, God of peace
I rest in You, my cares released

I have nothing more than all you offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

I love you, Lord! You rescued me!
You are all that I want! You're all I need

In your Freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion! I offer devotion!


For those that may not know: I have a gift and a curse of being stubborn. Stubbornness can be used in a positive manner, but I often allow mine to step in between my relationship with God and myself.

My stubbornness leads to an untrusting heart. We all have unbelief (as the Bible puts it so well), but mine really leads to being unwilling to trust in the justness, sovereignty, goodness, and all-knowingness of God. When I feel like I get served a "can of whoop ass" from the world so to speak, I look around and wonder,(as I wipe of my hands and knees from the beating), where the junk was God in that one?!?!?

When in actually, how did I allow myself to be in a circumstance to be served such a "can" as this? Where did I actually falter in which I was unwilling to believe that what God has said of me, for me, and about me that truly matters? When did I choose to not believe in the freedom He's so eagerly given me, to not look at myself and know that I have been rescued, and that there is NONE but my Jesus.

It sounds cliche, and perhaps sappy. But the past few weeks have served me quite a few "cans" and it's tough. My stubbornness causes me to fight against what the world is telling me I lack, but also against those that God has put in my life to speak truth into me. All that gets me is a whole lot of no where and a left with countless gaping wounds.

I want Freedom, but I don't trust that its for me

I believe that there is None But Jesus, but most times I don't trust that its for me

So Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

As for me and my house....

I must say I don't have a family of my own, but I get the joy of having an amazing roommate who is my best friend, and is more like a sister to me than a friend most times and for that I am blessed. And along with having an amazing best friend that I live with, we get the blessing of having a great house. A house that people can come and stay at, where (it is my hope that) they can feel comfortable, at home, and at peace. A place where those I love can know that the door is always open to them, and a listening ear and someone is here to sit with them to laugh, to cry, to just be themselves. And even though I my family consists of just me right now, I know that "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". and I grew up in an incredible family that taught me that serving the Lord is shown, is done, and is, serving others.

Here are a couple picks from Easter Sunday, where over 20 of us gathered at mine and katie's stellar house to host Easter with a lot of people I love

Sunday, April 12, 2009


First an initial sidenote (Katie just had to move from the floor next to my dog, Molly, because Molly just let out a vicious fart that could clear a room!)

I have often debated within myself (I often have weird debates in my head) that if I had to make a choice between losing my sight or losing my hearing I would choose to loose my sight. Over my almost 27 years of living I have come to realize the necessity of my hearing mainly due to my love of music. Music moves me, it stir something within me. It connects to the very depths of my soul, gripping every facet of my emotions. It pours into every crevice, every space, finding the places within me that I thought were unmovable, hardened by weathering years brokenness. Music has the ability to bring my soul to life, and even when I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest from joy, music can make this very white girl dance!

Music has the ability to make me feel alive, to say everything that words are incapable expressing, that actions are incapable of being.

So that's why, that's why i can't imagine losing my hearing, because what I hear connects to my soul, God uses is to reconnect me to Him, to beckon me and draw me into my Abba's embrace.

I can't fathom, not being able to hear .... this:

This moves me. Sappy as you may think it is, it stirs my soul.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


CHOOOOO!!! So here's my random story of the day:

I head into to the store tonight to pick up a few items. So as I walk into the store I stumble upon the card section and I says to myself I says " need to buy some cards to send to people". So I am perusing through the card section and I'm standing there looking at cards when.....BAM!!! a sneeze comes outta me from no where! ACHOO! One that I didn't even feel coming on, it just shot outta me like a bolt of lightening, no time to cover my mouth and what gum shoots out of my mouth like a bullet from a gun. It proceeded to stick the card in front of me and then fell to the floor.

I mean one could hope I looked as cute as this when I sneezed:

but I'm sure I looked more like this:

Yah, that's a whole lot of not pretty. But I was laughing outloud to myself as I picked my gum up off the floor and took it to a trash can under a cash register.

If I could have seen the sneeze coming that would have been fantastic, but it offered me a good laugh.

-love the least

Sunday, March 29, 2009

sometimes I think i'm funny...

ok there's probably a lot of times I think I'm funny.

I was sorting through some older photos in iPhoto trying to pick ones that I'm going to print off to hangout on the walls of my house and I came across this one:

You see we were having a gathering to watch one of the presidential debates and we were supposed to make a snack that made us think of politicians...My immediately thought "asses!!!" so I made butt cookies. Here's a close up:

It just gave me a laugh to see these. I had forgotten about it. So i thought I'd share them. I hope they gave you a good laugh too.

-Love the least

Friday, March 27, 2009

Community is good...its GOOOOOOD....

I have gone through 2 extremes regarding my community involvement in life. I have been both a community junkie and an anti-community junkie. I have to say that as of late I'm somewhat of a lack of community-aholic...a regular junkie of non community and not a great thing.

I spent 5 years of my life during college being completely engulfed in community, being around people, being involved in community, taking on leadership roles, being involved in other people's lives.

Then suddenly I found myself in the fall of 2005 null and void of community. I picked up my life and headed to down to Greenville South Carolina for over 3 months from August to December to do an internship. I then moved back to Michigan for almost 5 months and then onto Colorado Springs, CO during which over the course of a year I worked at a group home. From July 2005 until December of 2007 I spent over 2 years almost null and void of community and those two years had a dramatic affect on my ability to be a part of community.

I am an individual that has always thrived on others, on being involved in the lives of other people, to have them be a part of mine; of taking part in leadership and found my energy in being around others I care about.

However over those 2 years I found it easier and easier to withdraw within myself, to become a recluse, and shut the world out to keep me in. It became very quickly a way of living to depend on myself rather than open myself to others because the few times I had....I got burned. And there is only so many times that you allow your heart to play with fire before you don't want to allow it to become wounded anymore. So closing myself in was my defense mechanism. I became a noncommunity junkie, I began to feel as though I thrived more being on my own than I did being around others.

This type of thought process is unhealthy, unbiblical, and self-destructive. we all need our moments of silence, of being alone...but we as human being, as creations modeled after our Creator, we are not meant to be alone.

Our souls, who we are as human beings is nurtured, thrives, and grows when planted in the earth of community. The community of others in which we are held accountability, where we laugh, we cry, where are vulnerable, challenged, stretched, where we are raw, real, and at times reckless - knowing that we are amongst friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, those we can trust.

It is for that very reason that community and feeling as though you can trust the community you belong to to be safe for your aches, your hurts, your pains, your past, your present, your future is so vital to the life of a community of people.

so I may be a recovering anti-community junkie, but I don't hope to be a community-aholic either.

I hope to be just me, Rachel, a woman of Christ seeking to be genuine with those I love and care about in hopes that they will do the same. Opening myself back up to others is good, it's hard, and at times really tugs at the seams of my comfort in solitude and begins to tear and that growing process is uncomfortable and feels so unsafe at times, but in time. But growth almost always hurts, and growth is always worth it.

Monday, March 23, 2009

....I'm friggin' crazy

soooooooo I.... I think I'm a friggin' loon.

I decided that my life isn't busy and crazy enough....I should add this to it:

Yep, I am officially a dog owner. Her name is Molly. What I should call her is "Are you freaking kidding me?!" or "Seriously!!!" or "not again!"

I mean this puppy won't stop going to the bathroom in her crate...I have asked everyone I know with a dog and they all say "really? Dogs hate being near their own urine and poop...." welp... NOT MINE. Not that she rolls in it, but good night nurse, she is willing to pee in there and just wait....ugh

Anyways, she's been a lot of work, which you always think you've prepared yourself for something like that, but OH NO! I'm learning. She's a great teaching tool for me. I just wish her teaching wouldn't be at the expense of my sleep.

Anyways, welcome to my world Molly, you'll be around for a while.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Spring forth

The heart is a fascinating thing . . .

Not the physical heart (although its workings are incredible), but I'm talking about your soul, the thing that enmeshes your thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything logical and illogical within you.

Its not a physical, tangible thing, and yet ...its capable of so much.

Capable of actually breaking. causing an ache so indescribable that you wish someone would snatch it right out from chest to keep from enduring anymore pain. The ache of emptiness, brokenness, desolation, isolation, fear.

I've had moments in my life I have wondered if my heart were so broken that it would actually stop beating, that the essence of my being would keep my physical being from existing. That my rhythm would cease....

Then again I've also had moments that I feel as though my heart is going to burst right out of my chest from sheer joy, or from the anticipation of excitement. Those moments that words cannot express. Where you feel like "you're happy and you know it, and your face will surely show it". That sense that you want to wrap your very being around everything and everyone that you love, but you just can't hold them all in. It overwhelms, over fills, overflows. The moments that your cup overfloweth with everything that's pure in the world and for even a brief moment....all the world is right. the sense is overwhelming, it take you by surprise, catches you off guard, sometimes in moments you least expect it. Then you turn a corner in time and there it is, fast a fleeting, yet so real. And for that moment you feel so alive that perhaps this what heaven will always feel like, and its a feeling that will never grow old. Moments where two worlds come together, heaven and earth collide. the raw reality of real life is interrupted, overtaken, by the purest elements of all that is right, good. You feel, whole, complete that you feel like you're going to burst right out of your skin, like you can't hold yourself in this tissue paper thin casing of flesh and bone. I've had moments I wish I could physically burst my joy out of my body, like a sneeze, or like when liquid or food has actually burst forth from my mouth from laughing (or when I choke). Yeah...I wish it would actually physically expell itself from my body in a way that actually takes myself and those around me by surprise. it'd be a signal, that i just experienced a little bit of heaven here and now, during this fragile, feeble, fleeting time here on earth.

so thats what I'm praying for. I may not get an actually bursting, but I sure hope that the more I become aware of heaven here on earth and that I'm experiencing it, that it will spring forth from my very being.....taking everyone....including myself, by surprise