Friday, December 21, 2007

When politics & music collide

I'm apparently waaaay behind the times, and that's ok, but an acquaintance just introduced me to this song.

Many of you may not agree with me about posting this song....and that's ok. We can still be friends....

give it a listen, give it some thought....

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


In my last post entitled "conviction" apparently I stated "I look at porn".

I have corrected that statement... I DO NOT look at porn.......

that is all. hahahah!!

man, the scary things we type on the web


This may seem like a rather odd post, but that's ok. I'm odd, so me saying odd things is not unlike me.

********Ok funny sidenote, I am sitting here in Panera and there is this group of 4 ladies at least 50 years old. And one of them has this tiny little bottle (known as a "shooter") of apple Smirnoff Vodka next to her "water" glass with a lemon in is.....mind you I AM AT PANERA, I got here at 3:30 pm. My goodness, can we not hide our alcoholism in our homes, or in coffee mugs these days!!! Like normal people!!! hahahaha. **********

I was talking with Katie (my best friend) about how God has been convicting me lately of what I see.

I am VERY visual person, hence why when things are visually stimulating...I am usually distracted by them (like a t.v. on at a bar, or a shiny object haha).....

On with what I was saying:

The other night katie and I were watching the movie Mr. Brooks, which if you have not seen it...that's ok, don't. It was VERY disturbing, and as a result I am having trouble sleeping at night, and getting really creeped out (more than I usually do) by the dark.

Anyways, my conviction set in as after I finished watching this movie, and I laid awake for a good 3 hours before falling asleep, and all I could see and think about, no matter how hard I prayed, were the really graphic and gory murders in the movie, and the unfortunately very graphic sex scenes....ugh.

and As childish as it may sound, it was disgusting to me what I saw in this movie, and moreover, what I allowed myself to watch.

Here I am 25 years old, and I feel as though I need to sensor what I watch.

But I think it's so true. Anymore in movies, nothing is off limits. Rated R movies practically have porn in them when it comes to sex scenes, and there is nothing off limits when it comes to violence and horror....sad.

There is where my conviction comes is. I understand I'm an adult, and most would say, that because I'm an adult I can watch a sex scene in a movie.

However, anymore, I am realizing, and feel as though God is convicting me of the fact that I am stripping myself and raping my mind by continuing to watch things that are so graphic. Because in all honesty....are they beneficial for me??

The Bible states that "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible- but not everything is constructive." (I Corinthians 10:23)

and that"Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will NOT be mastered by anything. (I Corinthians 6:12) (emphasis added)

The verse in Chapter 6 really sticks out to me because at the end is states "I will not be mastered by anything".

I am realizing that the more I expose my precious brain to things that grotesque, sexually immoral, and graphic, then I am slowly allowing myself to be mastered by them. Because I think about them, I think about them when I go to sleep, when I am distracted, and at random times of the day. Essentially I am raping my mind. I tear away at my own innocence.

Which is why I do NOT look at porn. (among a MILLION other reasons, of which I will not get into right now).

But in essence, what is allowed in films and even on Network television is soft porn, and in some cases borderline porn. And if I choose not to look at porn, why am I watching sexually explicit things anyways?? Of what benefit is there?

It takes my focus off of Christ, and it butchers something that to God is meant to be something beautiful and intimate between a husband and wife and makes it something animalistic, common, and vulgar.

Sex is a beautiful thing, and our society and raped us of our innocence when it comes to sex. It is no longer something intimate and beautiful and sacred, it's just something you "get", that temporarily satisfies a need within us. We no longer love, we lust. We think that by "getting some" we get something, but in reality, we are giving. We give of our innocence, we give of our bodies, our hearts and most importantly, our souls. And pretty soon, we have nothing of our souls left to give to the one person we spend the rest of our lives with.

Perhaps that's why I am so thankful for grace. Grace from a God that forgives me for my failures, that heals deep wounds, deep hurts, and deep mistakes. And so I must pray that God brings me a man that is capable of much grace, and that I myself will have the grace to forgive the mistakes of him.

I have lost much of my innocence (thankfully not my virginity), however, that doesn't mean I can't try something new, that I can't try and start over and protect soul

I can't gain my innocence back, but I can attempt to protect my innocence, and refuse to continue to expose my soul to more abuse, and to not allow my heart to be raped anymore, but what our society says is "normal", and "ok".

So I will no longer watch sex scenes in movies, or on TV or anything else for that matter that is not beneficial to my soul.

so if you are a friend, hold me accountable.....'s to regaining innocence. Blessings to you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Blessings to you all!! Happy Thanksgiving, may all of you have a blessed time with your family and friends!!! Eat lots and take long naps...and help your mom clean up the kitchen ;o)

love the least....


Saturday, November 10, 2007

I know I don't blog much in the first place, but I have been able to even less lately because the internet at my apartment complex is down.

I recently started a new job this past week. Three words: LOVE IT! overwhelmed.

I have so much information to take in and process, that i am just exhuasted at night, however I am thinking so much about all I have to do and learn and start, and the caseload I will soon be taking on that I can't sleep at night.....ugh.

Soooo even in the midst of all that I am considering going back to school....for what? I dont' know yet, so I'm looking into graduate programs.

I feel like there are a million different options to consider:
Social Work
Speech Language Pathology
Physical Therapy
Occupational Therapy

I just don't know....seriously no clue. And the last 30 minutes of looking online, has not helped, in fact, I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Even considering the possiblity of juggling school and a full-time job....holy headache batman.

I stated recently to a friend that I am in this rebuilding phase with Christ. Over the past 3-4 months I have gone through some very relationship breaking time with God. Times of bitterness, anger, and even hatred. More often than not I feel as though I am floundering in my life. I feel like I am working and fighting so hard for EVERYTHING; for friendships, relationships, community, to find a job that I love, to even love myself. I just feel like I have to fight so dang hard.

And right now, with God....I'm ok. He and I are working on it, we are in a rebuilding process. and it's good, but still hard.

I was having a conversation with a few friends today over breakfast about how it's so hard to really study the Bible on your own. Which for me is very true. I feel like I don't even know where to begin when I open my Bible, and then when I finish reading whatever section I have randomly stumbled across, I feel like I"m fighting to get something out of it (again, fighting). I want the Bible to be alive, to be apart of my story, and for me to be apart of its story. I just dont' want to wait for Sunday morning to come for that to happen. If it could be a part of my everyday life, it would change my world

I grew up in a Christian home, I know all the answers I should know, and yet the Bible is still a very foreign thing to me, I dont' even know how to approach trying to study it on a day to day basis and actually absorb something from it. I want to....I just don't where to begin.

Ok, I have to go back to work.

until next time the least

Thursday, October 25, 2007


I GOT A JOB!!! As of the first of November....I will be working for The Resource Exchange in Colorado Springs!! I will be working with families with children from 0-3 years old that have a disability!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! After a month and a half of being without a full-time job, here I am, very very blessed!! THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I am often at a loss for words. Sometimes I really wish I were sitting in the middle of a forest, up in the mountains next to a stream..... like in this picture. I enjoy moments of contemplations, deep thought, pondering. And right now at this very moment in my life, I have so much going through my brain, I can't even begin to sort it out.

it's one of those things where I know I'd be better off going to bed than to continue pondering what the heck it is I'm trying to sort out in my mess of a mind. So I will tackle my thoughts tomorrow. For now, I will go to bed, and dream that I am next to this river again, in this mountain, sitting in this time.

Sunday, October 7, 2007


For Jen's Birthday Cathy, Jen, Katie and I went out for her Birthday on Saturday. And then that evening, Jen, her husband Keven, Katie and I went was a swell time!!

Jen & Cathy at the Bon Ton for lunch

Jen (the birthday girl) & I at the Bon Ton

Katie, Me, & Jen at the bowling alley

We were excited about bowling

The Birthday Girl got a STRIKE!! (she was posing as the "X" for the strike!)

Wahoo Katie got a strike!!

And Kevin got a strike too!!!

I got a strike as well but we forgot to get a picture....oops

I have enjoyed making new friends this past week, Jen, Kevin, & Cathy have been a few that I have's been fabulous!! God's been bringing me a lot of blessings in the form of community this week.


Saturday, October 6, 2007

growing pains

It has officially been three weeks since I have worked at a full-time job.........

I think "growing pains" is how I would best describe how I feel right now about my life. I have been really struggling lately to just allow God to "move" so to speak, to allow Him to use this time of unknowns, transitions, this time of being COMPLETELY terrified about my life to shape me. I am trying desperately to allow God to move mountains within my being, within my soul....and I wish I could sit still long enough, and listen hard enough to hear him in the faint whisper of the wind blowing through the trees.

I just keep think....just trust Rachel, you have stepped out in faith, just trust. and then the other part of my brain kicks in and says......what in the junk were you thinking when you quit your job?!?! What the junk are you doing with your life?!?!?! What are you doing to do next Rachel?!? what?

.......growing pains. They are hard, and here I am Lord, I accept them, no "buts", just acceptance of what you are trying to teach me. I'm willing to sit and listen....please, come talk.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Welcome to the world Issybella

Meet Issybella, tomorrow (Friday) she will officially be three weeks old!

She loves her Auntie Rachel

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

cool moments

Katie and I went on a little roadtrip around the springs this past Sunday...very fun FYI. Well we wandered into Manitou Springs (a crazy little mountain here located next to Colorado Springs).

Our mission: locate the road that leads to a house located at the top of a mountain cliff island.

We ended up running into this old little cemetery and ran into this........

And you probably can't tell but there are 14, YES 14 points on this old Buck. He was just there alongside the road drinking water like this.....

...good times...good times

.....things that are hard

It was a blast! They make me laugh a lot and I hope they come back to visit soon. So between climbing the incline, having dinner Friday night, and hanging out with them Sunday evening, I had a hoot of time.

p.s. for those of you that don't know...the incline is over 3,000 railroad ties that are make-do steps that lead straight up the side of a, a frickin' riot!!! But great exercise.

This is the boys on the way up....they always make the best of everything!! :o)
This is us at the top...finally

I would like to mention that I have done the "incline" a couple of times now and walked away ...unscathed. However, this time, we came directly back down the incline (not recommended by most), and now neither do I recommend it. Because for three days I could barely walk do the damage I inflicted on my right thigh.


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Monday, September 10, 2007


I have this habit of when I find a new song that grabs me I listen it not once, not twice, but continuously, for days at a time. Currently that song is by Lifehouse off their newest album Who We Are. The song is called Broken, I really feel like it's the theme song of my life right now. Where I am at spiritual and in every other aspect.

Right now I just ache, something deep inside of me feels lost, and I ache.

Watch the video, read the lyrics

by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 in my younger days

I am currently in Michigan visiting my parents and my mama found an old picture of myself and my brother Bryan......I look pretty much exactly the same now as I did when this picture was taken, only the chubby cheeks aren't as cute anymore haha!!


a project of labor and love that helps support those that are hurt and lost....

Sunday, July 29, 2007


Ok so Katie and I were making a late night trip to Wal-Mart last night. And as we came to stop at a stop light in Old Colorado City.......This is the sight I behold:

SERIOUSLY!!! Does that look like a safe situation..... A few scenarios ran through my mind...

A) What if you get hit in there rear end ......propane tank instantly goes BOOM
2) What if your flimsy rubber bungee cord rots or decides to give way and fall to the ground....propane tank goes BOOM!!!

....somewhere along the lines people started inbreeding....and this is the result..... seriously....seriously.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

....don't blink

I am on a mission. I am searching. I am lost, so I will seek. I know not what I will find. I know not what will come. But search I shall. I will work hard. I will strive to not be angry or become bitter. I will keep my heart open and embrace what is to come. Although I am frustrated and at times angry with God, I will aim to still be obedient. I will try not blink, for I might miss what it is I seek to find.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Fan Fair

Here is a picture that my lovely friend Melodie actually took and posted but I thought I would snag it and put it on my page... Thanks melodie!!!! we're cute! This was taken in downtown Colorado Springs at the Fan Fair which is to kick-off the annual Pikes Peak Climb

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Visit to Rocky Mountain National Forest

I'm finally posting pics from my visit mine and Katie's visit to the Rocky Mountain National Forest

We stopped at a lookout and took a picture as we came down the mountain

This is one of two of the elk standing alongside the road
This Katie and I standing on top of a mountain

One of our views as we drove down the mountain

Strike a Pose!!!

Let me tell ya that mountain water I'm standing in...nope not warm

I've got a bajillion more but those are a few....enjoy!

My "remember list"

I must first say that I love dry erase markers, because with them I have the freedom to write all over my bathroom mirror, whether that's my "to do" list, things I need to buy at the store, or silly little phrases, however recently this is my "Remember List" it is as follows:

Rachel Remember:
  • To love Christ most
  • To put other before yourself
  • To love mercy, to act justly, & to walk humbly with God
  • To pray for those you love & those you don't
  • To take your vitamins
  • To ask God for joy
I'm still brainstorming if there are more things I should add to my list.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Update profile

I updated my profile today, but I felt the need to post it, because...I just did, and it's my blog, and I can do that.

I have learned that silence is a brilliant yet terrifying phenomenon. Loving Jesus is the hardest thing I will ever do. I have learned that once you say it you can't just take it back. God will not always give us what WE think are blessings. My weaknesses are: Target, cheese, anger, sweets, being competitive, discounts/sales, babies & children, carbs, and hugs & kisses. I think that life should have theme music playing all the time like it does in movies (except those moments when silences is necessary). I relish in the moments I get to let out my childlike nature. I cherish the sight of beautiful sunsets, the sound of children laughing, and the feeling of the wind on my face. Stubbing my toe makes me think/say bad words. I hate anger, but I struggle with it all the time. I would rather try and fail than to not try at all. I continue to learn the importance of family, the comfort of friendships, the blessing of community, and the grace of God. In all of this I pray that God will continue to shape me into a woman that is after His own heart everyday.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

More items for my list...

more ideas for my "Things to do before I turn 26" list:

22) befriend a homeless person and learn their story
23) Get a my teeth's been over a year and a half now
24) Try to sneeze with my eyes open (just once, I imagine if I do it continuously my eyes WILL pop out of my head)
25) Journal more
26) Read at least 7 books
27) Build something with my own two hands (maybe a TV stand, or a keepsake box...I dunno), maybe a LEGOS structure....we'll see

p.s. yes I do know that if I actually sneeze with my eyes open, the force would push my eyeballs out of my head.
GREAT NEWS!!! So I found out from a little bird (a little bird named Katie) that according to one of the individuals that interviewed me yesterday (he works with Katie). I did great in my interview!!!!! Which was a total shock to me, BUT it's very encouraging and a big confidence booster. So if y'all are praying, keep praying, and if you're not...start please! I would love the opportunity to have this job!

Man, it totally blew me away when Katie told me that, and it's a big answer to prayer.

So for now I will keep praying, and studying to make sure I'm prepared if they call me back for another interview.

Friday, July 6, 2007


I completed my first interview at Safe Passage today, holy intense batman!!! We'll see though, I felt like I did.....ok. I always opt on the side of "maybe I didn't do very well" when it comes to exams and interviews, simply because I'm always nervous about those types of things. either way I have to trust that it's in God's hands, and we'll see where it goes from here. I truly want this job with my whole heart, but perhaps I'm not supposed to be at this job, and I have to trust that God will take care of it. So if this doesn't pan out, i will just keep looking and trust that God has something else in mind for me.

I'm going to go hangout with my friend Lauren's time to layout by the pool.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

...gaping wounds, hollow hearts, and cracked souls

....I did a lot of talking today (first Stephy, then Anna, then Della, and lastly...Katie). I have been doing so much talking that somehow my soul just began to seep out a little bit at a time. I've been trying so hard to keep it in; the wonderful, the terrifying, the joys, the sorrows, and the brokenness. It all just began to eek out of the cracks that appeared through every word that was spoken in the conversations I had.

...and i wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for my soul to start creeping out. I've been trying to put it all away, to keep it at bay. But now I'm trying to sort this all out; all the things that make me emotional, and edgey, and sad. And hopefully the things of my soul that have been kept in the dark that are slowly bringing themselves to light, will bring a dawn to my soul.

blessings.... I'm going to go journal

Being 25

I have been thinking a lot lately, well...who am I kidding, I'm always thinking too much...about something. Anyhoot, since I turned 25 a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about all the things I want to do this year here is my list of things so far:

1) Begin taking classes to learn sign language.
2) Invest in my church and build community
3) Seek out the possiblity of moving to South Carolina or Atlanta
4) Become a coffee drinker
5) See Shane & Shane in concert
6) Lose 8 pounds and keep it off
7) Obtain a job in a career I love (crossing my fingers that this will happen within the next month)
8) Watch less TV and mountain bike more
9) Pay off at least half of my credit card debt
10) Pay off at least a third of my car payment
11) Go on a roadtrip (destination TBD)
12) Eat more sushi
13) Learn to be less stubborn
14) Learn to trust God more, doubt myself less, and be more giving of myself to others
15) Find greater appreciation in those I come in contact with everday
16) Take advantage of often overlooked opportunities to serve others
17) Give more, hoard less, sacrifice much
18) Take time weekly to appreciate ice cream, time with those I love, good conversations, laughter, and doing absolutely nothing
19) Visit one place geographically that I have never been before.
20) Seek out the possibilty of playing my violin in my church's worship team
21) Run a 5k

.....more to come, this is all I've come up with for now. Any suggestions I will willing consider.

Until next time...


Sunday, June 24, 2007

....make it sing

I miss playing my violin....I miss making it sing. I miss the way the music comes and goes and flows from my fingers. I miss pouring out myself through that instrument....I miss music in general. I miss playing my guitar and singing. There is just something that music does to me, to my well-being, to my soul. Music can
speak for me when words fail. I need to find the symphony of my soul again.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

If I only knew

I'm in the midst of another very "in between time" in my life. There are moments are I am perfectly content and feel as though things have finally come together, like when I am at home or hanging out with new friends. Then there are times where I think....there is no way this is what God had planned for me. And it is at those times that I was I was sitting in the church in the photo. So that I could feel the vastness, endlessness, bigness of my Abba. And to hear the organ play as a choir sings....I get chills just thinking about it. I feel like there is more you know. More than just getting up at 5 a.m. everyday and going to a job I don't really enjoy, but work really hard at, because whether I enjoy a job or not...I will put in everything I have got.

I miss working with kids, I miss working with teens. I want so badly to get this job at SafePassage, it would be a dream come true. I just want to put my passion to use, and to come home being exhausted because I gave out everything that God gave me, and then to sit and let Him fill me again, so I can go in to work again the next day....and keep giving.

Don't get me wrong I understand that we should continually allow God to pour out our cup that He has filled, but I want to do it, where I feel like He has gifted me, not in just some 8 hour a day job.

anyways. I miss kids, I miss my kids at the Dale House, I miss the south, I have been desperately longing to move back to South Carolina, or to move to Atlanta.

God is big, and I have been forgetting that lately, and because I forget makes me miss him. I can feel the hollow space within me, and it aches, but I feel too worn to let Him come near me.