Sunday, March 30, 2008

Thoughts from a tired soul

I need to preface that this blog is not meant to be malicious or anyone or anything but there are some frustrations I am having about my life and I figured why not put them down here.....

With that said...giddy up


God is working on me, working on breaking this very stubborn, hard, but still willing, open heart. He is at work on this paradox I like to call me. This process makes me want to both raise my voice in frustration and praise at times.

But for the first time in a long time I have felt not only that God is working on my heart, but mostly that I am willing to let I stated above...I am very stubborn. However, God has really begun to break this hardened clay heart I have built over the last 8 (or more) years.

Do I struggle with self worth, well yes, yes I do. I will be the first to admit that. I can be so self-loathing that I become self-destructive. That is not of God; that guilt, that angst, that hatred....that's not of Christ. I am very well aware of that, but it is a demon I am plagued with and try to choose daily to battle, with the strength of God, and not of my own.

And satan works really hard to chip away at my soul through this demon, this thorn of self-loathing, he is very clever, very smart, he uses many different forms to dig at my soul.

Lately, for the past month or so, that avenue of lies has been regarding my singleness. I feel like I am being hit from every side regarding this aspect of my life, through my everyday expriences at work, through my social interactions, through my family, and even my friends.

I feel like all I keep hearing from people lately is in a nutshell this statement: "your life would be all fixed, God would make everything better, and you would be complete if you would just find yourself a husband"

Guess what?!?!.....I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM BROKEN!!!! But my wholeness resides in a God that loves me, that is calling me to Himself, and beckoning me to find a better way of loving Him, loving others, and loving myself that what everyone else seems to think is the answer.

Do I desire to get married; to find the man that God has created for me to be with, the one I will be the greatest and most amazing wife to..... It is one of the greatest and deepest desires of my heart.

But finding a husband is not the answer to everything!!!!

So don't tell me that getting into a relationship is going to make my life magically better, and that its the only way God is going to work in my life. If God chooses that, then ok, but don't speak that to me as if its the only truth, the only way.

I just want people to stop making me feel like I'm incomplete simply because I don't have a husband right now. Stop making me feel and telling me that I am not ok because I'm not dating, because I feel like God is telling me just the opposite.

Stop telling me I'm not doing ok, when Christ is telling me that He is doing good in me right now.........

Thursday, March 27, 2008

something is in the air

This past week has been amazing. Every night after work I've had chance to either go outside for a walk and enjoy the weather or last nigth I chose to go on a bike ride.

One word: Magnificent. At one point I stopped along the trail and sat on this bench a top of "mini" hill that looks directly at Pikes Peak. And I just let the wind and the warmth of the setting sun wash over my face. I think if I had to describe what I think heaven might feel like, that might be it. The feel of a warm breeze washing against your body while basking in the glow of a setting sun, the air around me engulfing me, with the sound of the wind in the trees, birds chirping.

In that fleeting moment I truly felt, understood, and believed that God is good and God is faithful.

There is something about bike riding for me that I just love. My family was always going on bike rides together when I was a kid, we still do it now if we can when we get together. I think its that feel of the wind on my face I just love, to push myself sometimes to the limit to make it up a wicked hill, or even when I go mountain biking to scare the living Ba-Jesus outta myself going on trail that's wicked hard. I love it...i just do.

The only part I don't love is those dang bike seats....holy smokes...I'm feeling that bike ride today in my rump that's for sure. I think I'm going to go to the store and buy myself a new one, it'll be the Cadilac of bike seats!!!

Here's to Springs! It's been a long time coming and I have been awaiting you! So go out, enjoy creation, and feel the warm breeze and sun on your face and remember...God did both...and God is good.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Duty calls

Ugh, I got a summons for Jury Duty.

I guess it'd be ok if it was an interesting case. Then again I may not even be called back, my first day is April 10th.

I've been told if you just cry during your interview, you'll be dismissed....maybe I'll be able to work up some tears....

...anybody got any other suggestions?


I had a fantastical time with my friends from K-Group yesterday for our Easter Sha-bang. I mean what could be better for a group of people in their mid twenties than:

a) eating
2) An easter egg hunt
iii) Easter Egg Dying
D) a group game of quelf

Is there anything better?? I SUMBIT THAT THERE IS NOT!

hope everyone had a blessed easter!!

We missed all those from K-Group that couldn't come! Next time!!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

New Beginnings

I got baptized on Sunday, it was a beautiful experience.

Thank you Ela, Josh, Jen, Rachel, Jamie, and Katie for being there!!

God has been working on my heart a lot lately. Digging up all the muck I've been burying for so deep for so long.

It's been freeing to be so honest with my friends, my family I should call them, because they have become part of my family and I love it.

I am blessed, I am clean, I am free.

Here's to new beginnings, a life of freedom and honesty.

Christ is Freedom, and I am sacred....