Thursday, January 28, 2010

My mama is awesome

My mama recently did a semi-surprise sewing project for one of my nearest and dearest friends, Mel.

Check out her work, my friend Mel blogged about it.

It makes me smile. I'm so proud that she's my mama.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sometimes its just better if you have nothing to say....

For a week now I have been dreading that tomorrow would come. Not just any tomorrow, but tomorrow in particular. Tuesday January 26, 2010. But I've only been dreading this day for a week, I don't usually go about fearing for days to come.

But tomorrow, Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 10 a.m. I will be attending a funeral. A funeral for an 18 month old little girl. Tomorrow her parents will see her for the last time and lay your tiny body in the ground. Even typing those words sends an ache through my being. I can't even imagine this type of ache as my own.

Grief is such a paradox. We yearn for people to understand how we feel, and yet, its infuriating and it stings when someone tries to give a comparison. They turn the situation on to themselves, because it's more comfortable, its easier. It is the consistency in human nature that we feel the need to say to someone who is grieving "I understand what you're going through". Do you? Do you really? Can you fully taste the bitterness of what that my grief tastes like?!

Why are we incapable of just sitting, of embracing the silence, of embracing the ache. Why can't we just wrap our arms around someone and say, "I'm so sorry, there are no words...but I'm sorry."

Why do we feel the need to give stories that have no good comparison? Why do we feel the need to fill the silence? To muddle the ache with frivolous words and insensitive phrases.

My pastor said it perfectly that we "over estimate our words, and underestimate our presence."

when we grieve, when our souls ache the most, when we feel the most broken, all we really want is someone to embrace us, to hold us close. To let us scream, and cry, and beat our fists into the ground, and to say nothing, except....I'm sorry.

So tomorrow I pray that I will have the grace to do just that. To let Shelby's parents grieve how they need to, and that I will have less words to say and more presence to give.

So if you happen to read this, please pray for her parents. Their ache I cannot fathom, no parent should have to bury their child.

May God be gracious to us....and make His ways known. And for that which we cannot know, may we be at peace to let it be.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

God is bigger than......

No, I'm not quoting cheesy lyrics to a worship song.

I'm trying to remind myself that God is actually big than _______________

Here is where I fill in the following:
- the death today of an 18 month old little girl I know and have been working with
- Stage 4 liver cancer in a 2 year old boy I work with
- a missing husband and father of 2 adopted boys I know
- the cancer invading the body of a 2 1/2 year old little girl
- Earthquakes wrecking havoc over a 3rd world country leaving millions who had nothing to start with, with even less

God....Abba....what is going on?

You're bigger than ALL of this, but right now, in my finite world.....You seem so small with me.

I mean no irreverence, honest. But what Abba is going on?

You can calm the storms of raging seas, you can move mountains, I've seen you remove cancer from someone's body, I've witnessed you saving a soul, you breath life into every living being, you conquered your own death......

It's all so fragile. All of it. Every moment. When I wake up and leave my house and get in my car. God, you could snatch the life right from my lungs.

God, you're bigger than this. You're bigger than me, bigger than cancer, bigger than earthquakes, you're bigger than life, you're bigger than.....death. I just wish I could feel and believe that right now.

Abba....I do my unbelief.

Tonight I will choose to be grateful for life. I choose to be grateful that rescue workers are still looking for David amongst the ruins of Hotel Montana because there are still signs of life.

Abba tonight I pray that you will perform a miracle and save David. I pray you will remove the cancer from Hezekiah and Eleanor's body.

And tonight I pray Abba that you would break my heart for what breaks yours, and stir me on towards passions of You. My hands are feeble and frail, but with You, they can do much. the least

Thursday, January 7, 2010


I've been listening to a particular song on repeat lately simply for one line and is used at the climax of the song, and its so powerful that it's literally brought me to my knees at one point.

"...You have a way of turning winter to spring....make something beautiful of all this suffering....."

I want to first say that there are many suffering far greater than I am, but I will admit, its hard not to get stuck in your own stuff.

I become overwhelmed, overcome, and my human weaknesses and satan take hold of what little faith my body possesses and I break. I begin to make a list, a tally sheet of sorts in my mind, of all the ways I feel like God is smiting me. And then I just begin to feel like....well just get it over with God! I may not be Job, and I'm not sitting in ashes scraping sores with broken pottery, but by golly....I've had ENOUGH! ENOUGH ALREADY!! Enough....please.

And then....God reminds me that He has the capability of turning winter to spring. Of making some beautiful....out of all this suffering....

Again, I know there are many suffering greater hurts than my own, I'm not trivializing them....I recognize this, in fact quite often, and I'm not kidding, I get angry and God for you, because you're suffering. But in the midst of each of us we reach this dark place at times. And maybe its just me. But it's the chasm that lies within my chest. the place where i let my faith fail, logic has no hold, and life loses hope.

What an ugly place to lay. What desperate place to lay your head on your pillow at night.

Winter is different for everyone. The time, the depth, the cold, the desperation, the darkness. It varies for each person. I hope to be able to blog sooner rather than later from this point about being in my "spring". To look back and say....God can, God does, God will..... Now if I could just convince and say those things right NOW. I'm sure that's what God is looking for, but i think I'm just too stubborn to say it...then again, maybe this has gone on long enough and I AM ready....maybe.

Because whatever "this" is that clinging itself on the edges of abyss in my chest....needs to flee from my being.

I read a passage once by Henri Nouwen about "working around the abyss" work around it I shall. The abyss is my woundedness, and working around it, is God soothing the ache and healing the soul. Cause this chasm isn't supposed to be there - God said so. He came so that I, you, me, all of us may have life, and have it to the fill the abyss, the chasm. Now....if I would just LET him.

So today although the chasm is there. I will be grateful for the following:

1) An amazing family, sometimes when I think about them, my eyes start welling up with tears....yeah. its true

2) Amazing friends, who are family to me.

3) A semi-warm house and bed to sleep in (semi because we keep it between 55-60 degrees due to the gas bill hahaha) the least

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Why going to a community college ridiculous

(Just a forwarning...this blog is said in jest, I'm laughing just thinking about all of the following)

I have discovered several reasons why I hate going to a community college, in particular Pueblo Community College. they are listed below:

1) Your website blows! When I already college graduate, can't even find the Spring 2010 class schedule....there is something wrong.

2) The fact that in the fall when I tried to register....your system sucks so bad that I had to actually drive a total of 2.5 hours to actually MEET with someone so THEY could register me. your "high tech" system of registration wouldn't let me do it like a big girl. We're in the 21st century....time to update!!!

3) Its amusing when the professors forget that they are neither a Harvard graduate nor are they teaching at Harvard....bring down the intensity a few notches.

4) The level of "quality equipment" is lacking..... especially when it's being held together by duct tape or looks like its circa 1970 something.....

5) The lack of committed college students is lacking and you can clearly point out the ones that "don't care" and are there on MY dime...through the taxes I pay and they don't....ick.

I think that's it for today....all done.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Bring in the new....


2009 is dead and gone in my book, and thank ya Jesus for that.

Needless to say, I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that I didn't enjoy 2009 and I have been ready for it to be over for quite some time now.

2009 decided to hold a lot of heartaches and hurdles and all the things in life that just make your soul ache....

With that said, I'd rather this not be a COMPLETELY depressing blog, especially since I haven't blogged in ages.

So here are some highlights from my year:

1) Friends....I love my friends, especially the girls in my kgroup. They are my family here in Colorado. They have loved and supported me, even when I've been at my ugliest....thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

2) Starting school again....this has been exciting for me because I love to learn, but it has made my life extremely full, and mostly stressful. 14 credits + working 40+ hours a week + too many other social commitments= a very stressed Rachel. But I do enjoy learning again. I've missed it, and it's brought along some fun friends in my program.

3) I already mentioned friends, but I need to make particular note of one set, because I met them in 2009. a little over 2 months in to 2009 brought along Mel & Ben. They joined our small group in February and haven't been able to stay away since :o). For these two, especially for my friendship with Mel I am very grateful. She's been a very unexpected blessing in my life. Thanks're truly great. You and Ben will be incredible parents... you really will. I can't wait to meet Alice!

4) In these uncertain times, I am very grateful that I have a job that not only pays my bills, but that I enjoy.

I'm ready to move on past the ache of 2009.

I've recently begun a process of healing over things in my life and in my past that I was pretty sure I'd already healed from, and if I hadn't, then I'd managed to bury it deep enough that I could try to forget it.

But like most wounds that don't heal properly (or at all)....they make us sick. The infect us from the inside out....and I discovered that my insides were so sick that it was showing on the outside - and lordy be it was oogly.

I'm finally ready to start healing, and to stop living my life out of woundedness. In this process a lot has already begun to change, and that....can really suck. It's human nature to hate change, especially when it comes to relationships. But I'm having to close the door to things so one day....I can be whole. Something I can say I don't think I have ever been.

So I hope and pray for each of you that read this blog, and even those that don't, that 2010 will bring hope, blessings, and joy. That each of you may find healing from your wounds instead of burying them deep in your soul.

I'm ready to start believing that God can and will do and be who He says He is. So here's the 2010. May it be a year of great changes (no matter how difficult they may be), and may you taste the goodness of a great God.