Tuesday, June 26, 2007

...gaping wounds, hollow hearts, and cracked souls

....I did a lot of talking today (first Stephy, then Anna, then Della, and lastly...Katie). I have been doing so much talking that somehow my soul just began to seep out a little bit at a time. I've been trying so hard to keep it in; the wonderful, the terrifying, the joys, the sorrows, and the brokenness. It all just began to eek out of the cracks that appeared through every word that was spoken in the conversations I had.

...and i wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for my soul to start creeping out. I've been trying to put it all away, to keep it at bay. But now I'm trying to sort this all out; all the things that make me emotional, and edgey, and sad. And hopefully the things of my soul that have been kept in the dark that are slowly bringing themselves to light, will bring a dawn to my soul.

blessings.... I'm going to go journal

Being 25

I have been thinking a lot lately, well...who am I kidding, I'm always thinking too much...about something. Anyhoot, since I turned 25 a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about all the things I want to do this year here is my list of things so far:

1) Begin taking classes to learn sign language.
2) Invest in my church and build community
3) Seek out the possiblity of moving to South Carolina or Atlanta
4) Become a coffee drinker
5) See Shane & Shane in concert
6) Lose 8 pounds and keep it off
7) Obtain a job in a career I love (crossing my fingers that this will happen within the next month)
8) Watch less TV and mountain bike more
9) Pay off at least half of my credit card debt
10) Pay off at least a third of my car payment
11) Go on a roadtrip (destination TBD)
12) Eat more sushi
13) Learn to be less stubborn
14) Learn to trust God more, doubt myself less, and be more giving of myself to others
15) Find greater appreciation in those I come in contact with everday
16) Take advantage of often overlooked opportunities to serve others
17) Give more, hoard less, sacrifice much
18) Take time weekly to appreciate ice cream, time with those I love, good conversations, laughter, and doing absolutely nothing
19) Visit one place geographically that I have never been before.
20) Seek out the possibilty of playing my violin in my church's worship team
21) Run a 5k

.....more to come, this is all I've come up with for now. Any suggestions I will willing consider.

Until next time...


Sunday, June 24, 2007

....make it sing

I miss playing my violin....I miss making it sing. I miss the way the music comes and goes and flows from my fingers. I miss pouring out myself through that instrument....I miss music in general. I miss playing my guitar and singing. There is just something that music does to me, to my well-being, to my soul. Music can
speak for me when words fail. I need to find the symphony of my soul again.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

If I only knew

I'm in the midst of another very "in between time" in my life. There are moments are I am perfectly content and feel as though things have finally come together, like when I am at home or hanging out with new friends. Then there are times where I think....there is no way this is what God had planned for me. And it is at those times that I was I was sitting in the church in the photo. So that I could feel the vastness, endlessness, bigness of my Abba. And to hear the organ play as a choir sings....I get chills just thinking about it. I feel like there is more you know. More than just getting up at 5 a.m. everyday and going to a job I don't really enjoy, but work really hard at, because whether I enjoy a job or not...I will put in everything I have got.

I miss working with kids, I miss working with teens. I want so badly to get this job at SafePassage, it would be a dream come true. I just want to put my passion to use, and to come home being exhausted because I gave out everything that God gave me, and then to sit and let Him fill me again, so I can go in to work again the next day....and keep giving.

Don't get me wrong I understand that we should continually allow God to pour out our cup that He has filled, but I want to do it, where I feel like He has gifted me, not in just some 8 hour a day job.

anyways. I miss kids, I miss my kids at the Dale House, I miss the south, I have been desperately longing to move back to South Carolina, or to move to Atlanta.

God is big, and I have been forgetting that lately, and because I forget that....it makes me miss him. I can feel the hollow space within me, and it aches, but I feel too worn to let Him come near me.