The heart is a fascinating thing . . .
Not the physical heart (although its workings are incredible), but I'm talking about your soul, the thing that enmeshes your thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything logical and illogical within you.
Its not a physical, tangible thing, and yet ...its capable of so much.
Capable of actually breaking. causing an ache so indescribable that you wish someone would snatch it right out from chest to keep from enduring anymore pain. The ache of emptiness, brokenness, desolation, isolation, fear.
I've had moments in my life I have wondered if my heart were so broken that it would actually stop beating, that the essence of my being would keep my physical being from existing. That my rhythm would cease....
Then again I've also had moments that I feel as though my heart is going to burst right out of my chest from sheer joy, or from the anticipation of excitement. Those moments that words cannot express. Where you feel like "you're happy and you know it, and your face will surely show it". That sense that you want to wrap your very being around everything and everyone that you love, but you just can't hold them all in. It overwhelms, over fills, overflows. The moments that your cup overfloweth with everything that's pure in the world and for even a brief moment....all the world is right. the sense is overwhelming, it take you by surprise, catches you off guard, sometimes in moments you least expect it. Then you turn a corner in time and there it is, fast a fleeting, yet so real. And for that moment you feel so alive that perhaps this what heaven will always feel like, and its a feeling that will never grow old. Moments where two worlds come together, heaven and earth collide. the raw reality of real life is interrupted, overtaken, by the purest elements of all that is right, good. You feel, whole, complete...so complete that you feel like you're going to burst right out of your skin, like you can't hold yourself in this tissue paper thin casing of flesh and bone. I've had moments I wish I could physically burst my joy out of my body, like a sneeze, or like when liquid or food has actually burst forth from my mouth from laughing (or when I choke). Yeah...I wish it would actually physically expell itself from my body in a way that actually takes myself and those around me by surprise. it'd be a signal, that i just experienced a little bit of heaven here and now, during this fragile, feeble, fleeting time here on earth.
so thats what I'm praying for. I may not get an actually bursting, but I sure hope that the more I become aware of heaven here on earth and that I'm experiencing it, that it will spring forth from my very being.....taking everyone....including myself, by surprise