Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Holy Jamoses....that's not right!!!!!

So I've spent nearly 23 years of my life playing the violin, spent quite a bit of time playing sports (soccer, volleyball, basketball, tennis, and various other random sports here and there) - I'm hard on my body and I read a sign recently said that "most people take better care of their automobile than they do their body, yet the automobile has replaceable parts...." Interesting.

I've been a back and neck cracker for years, I'm just uncomfortable and it makes it feel better, so that's why. I also have a tendency to hold in my sneezes, because I work with children ALL day long, and if I sneeze on one of them....well let's just say parents don't appreciate your snot and spit going all over their child (I wouldn't either) so I've become accustomed to holding them in and sneezing into the inside of my elbow.

Well Friday Morning I wake up and as usual I'm sneezing and my allergies are going nuts, and I felt a BIG sneeze coming on and so I did my usual, I held it in....then POP! I feel something snap in my neck....uh-oh. Sneeze + holding it in + feeling a pop in your neck = not good.

I instantly felt like my neck was stiff and I felt this sharp pain going down the right side of my neck, but I'm accustomed to my body hurting/aching and not doing much about it - we all have stuff....let's move on shall we??!?! Well 9, then 10, then 11 am, and 12 and the hours are passing and my neck is hurting more and more and I'm feeling more and more tense and more and more off kilter. I mean I can literally feel my body tensing and becoming off kilter and screaming "something isn't right, you doofus, go see a doctor".

So after 6 hours of pain and it becoming excruciating I head for a chiropractor, all the while feeling terrible because this is the first day of my parents visit here in the Springs.

So long story short about finding a chiropractor, I managed to stumble upon one because my pops says "I think I saw one this way on our walk this morning" so "this way" I head and booyah!! I find one. Walk in and end up being there for 3 hours! Holy smokes! I find out the following, I have torticollis, and my sneeze was the final straw and my body wasn't going to take anymore. my body had completely shifted, my left shoulder was now in a resting state 3-4 inches (not lying) above my right shoulder, my head had literally shifted off the axis of my neck and so my head was shifted right (I mean seriously it was off center from my body), and the vertebrae in my neck had all curved to the the following is my x-ray. I wanted to share cause I thought it was so crazy!

That line down the center is actually what my spine is supposed to be in line with!! How nuts is that? That was a shot of my standing straight up, it was the only way I was comfortable....kuh-razy.

so after 5 visits I'm starting to feel better...this is going to be a long road...ugh.

I'm a firm believer in the power of Chiropractics lie.

...This is not my life

So let's set the stage shall we?

It's Thursday evening, roughly 10:25 p.m. My dog, Molly and I have been driving for almost 2 hours from Colorado Springs to the Denver International Airport (which is NOT in Denver...that's a blog for another post), it doesn't take 2 hours, but I'll get to that point. My parents were supposed to get into DIA at 9:55 p.m. it's not 10:25 and I missed the "cell phone" lot that's like 10 miles from the airport, so I just keep circling the airport in hopes that their flight will actually land and I can stop wasting my gas and from the look of Molly panting and standing from the back seat onto my middle arm rest....she's getting slightly restless, and yes my fear....nauseous from all the turning and circling and turning and circling and turning and circling.

So I have moments where I can get Molly to sit down in the back seat for a few (few being the key word here). So then we're on the outskirts of the circling the aiport and all of a sudden molly is standing from the back seat onto my middle console/armrest, I don't think much of it, and quite honestly I'm tired of trying to get her to sit back down.

All of a sudden, what do I see from the corner of my eye......Molly is dry heaving, her head bobbing back and forth as though she were convulsing. So what do I think to do?!?!?!: I say "don't you do it MOLLY!! DON'T YOU DO IT!" and I proceed to try and hold her mouth closed so her vomit cannot enter my car in any way shape or form, and finally I think "that's cruel" so......

I let her vomit her not nearly processed dog food into the palm of my hand. SICK!!!!

All I can think is: "This is not my life" I immediately called Katie and then Melissa to give them just a brief, yet poignant glimpse into my life....


I then proceeded to chuck the fresh yet rather solid doggy vomit out of my car window, almost striking another vehicle unbeknownst to me. Then I wiped off my hand, and followed that up bathing my entire arms and hands in anti bacterial solution....


Monday, May 4, 2009

late night thoughts from a restless heart

I can't sleep again, tonight I know why.

I am restless and my heart breaks for a little boy too young to understand that his world is collapsing.

For privacy sake I'm just going to call him "G". G is not even 2 years of age. I get to see him every week and be greeted with his adorable whole hearted, charming smile; dimples and all. G has been cared for for months by one of the most amazing foster families I've ever met, G belongs with them, he loves his foster family, they are stable, and nurturing, and they love him...they truly love him, and they have been going through the process to adopt him. He even looks like the family, you'd never know he wasn't their own flesh and blood. I've gotten to see G, move from one good foster home to the this one - and I knew in my heart he belonged with them, I can distinctly remember thinking to myself "this is, his true home, this is his family, this is where he belongs".

G sees his birth mother 1x a week since he was taken over 9 months ago. A teenage mother who can make time to have a boyfriend and do everything she wants to do, except get a job and take care of her amazing little boy. He doesn't even feel comfortable enough around her to seek comfort in her arms when he gets hurt and she's around....she's not his mommy. She simply his mother.

I get to watch and listen to G each week as he seeks the arms and affection of his foster mom, tenderly calling her "ma" because he doesn't yet finish any of the words he vocalizes - it's cute. I've never met anyone except those from the midwest (myself included) that ever called their mom, "ma".

I have watched G over the last 5 months grow from a scared, timid, unsure, silent, unable to walk baby boy - to a confident, bright eyed, affection seeking, laughing little toddler. He is precious, and his smile melts your heart.

And today, my heart breaks for G. He's being taken away from his foster to adopt family....

Simply because his case worker is too lazy to care about what's best for him. Ever since I met her 5 months ago, I knew she didn't care about him, or for that matter any of the kids she works with....she's a tired bitter woman that either was burnt out before she ever got into this job, or has been burned so much that she is now. And in my heart of hearts I say - get out. Get out if your heart isn't in it. You're in a job that requires that you care, that you give, and that your convenience and what you want isn't the most important thing.

She's just wants to close his case and get G's birth mother off of her caseload (I'm paraphrasing from a court hearing). They want to take G from his amazing foster to adopt family and place him with a Step Grandfather he's never even met....

These are the times that I am absolutely enraged by the system that was setup initially to help these kids, these innocent children...these babies. Instead its full of under payed, over worked, burnt out, hardened. Now I will say this: I know that not ever case worker is like this, there are some AMAZING women and men that work in the system who work tirelessly at a thankless job, and so I take this moment, to thank you for all you do. but this woman, this woman who is supposed to be advocating for G - I'd have some choice words for her if I ever met her.

So tonight, i pray for G. I pray for a miracle for a little boy who has finally been found by his family, a family that loves, and adores, and gives him boundaries and stability, and is at the end of this month going to have his world shattered and he won't even understand why. All he'll know is that the family that loved him is all of a sudden not there, and all he'll feel is that once again "someone must not have wanted me".....

G I'm sorry. I'm sorry that our system has failed you, that your birth mother failed you, and that we live in a broken world that has hurt you. heart breaks for G and I cry tears of ache for this little boy, and I'm praying for a miracle. God...I'm asking for a miracle.....

-love the least