.....I was hoping to do a better job keeping up with my journal, but life has been really chaotic for me between work and just being friggin' busy most nights of the week.
I hate it because it's 12:19 a.m. and I can't sleep. My soul is twisted in endless knots, therefore, my stomach is too. There has been a lot of turmoil in the relationships in my life recently and it bothers me to my core.
I admit that I have the ability to be confrontational, to address tough issues with people that you can tend to want to avoid. But I'm confrontational at times because my deepest desire is for peace. I don't like dissension, I don't like people arguing, it tears up my soul to have relational tension....I hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm passionate about my family and my friends and when those two worlds have turmoil and the waters get stirred up creating a storm of anger and hurt, frustration, and sadness....it creates turbulence in my life. It's consumes me, every facet, because I care deeply about those that matter to me....so much so that it keeps me up at night. The issues consume my thoughts, rob me of my joy, and make my soul ache. it's all I can think about, because all I want is for it all to be right, and I ache to make it right.
.....I can't seem to make it right lately. I can't seem to make it all work out and fall into place and make it work. Which is why I'm sitting here awake in the middle of the night. The relationships in my life aren't right, therefore nothing within me or around me feels right......it aches and I hate it.