Conviction

This may seem like a rather odd post, but that's ok. I'm odd, so me saying odd things is not unlike me.


********Ok funny sidenote, I am sitting here in Panera and there is this group of 4 ladies at least 50 years old. And one of them has this tiny little bottle (known as a "shooter") of apple Smirnoff Vodka next to her "water" glass with a lemon in is.....mind you I AM AT PANERA, I got here at 3:30 pm. My goodness, can we not hide our alcoholism in our homes, or in coffee mugs these days!!! Like normal people!!! hahahaha. **********

I was talking with Katie (my best friend) about how God has been convicting me lately of what I see.

I am VERY visual person, hence why when things are visually stimulating...I am usually distracted by them (like a t.v. on at a bar, or a shiny object haha).....


On with what I was saying:

The other night katie and I were watching the movie Mr. Brooks, which if you have not seen it...that's ok, don't. It was VERY disturbing, and as a result I am having trouble sleeping at night, and getting really creeped out (more than I usually do) by the dark.

Anyways, my conviction set in as after I finished watching this movie, and I laid awake for a good 3 hours before falling asleep, and all I could see and think about, no matter how hard I prayed, were the really graphic and gory murders in the movie, and the unfortunately very graphic sex scenes....ugh.

and As childish as it may sound, it was disgusting to me what I saw in this movie, and moreover, what I allowed myself to watch.

Here I am 25 years old, and I feel as though I need to sensor what I watch.

But I think it's so true. Anymore in movies, nothing is off limits. Rated R movies practically have porn in them when it comes to sex scenes, and there is nothing off limits when it comes to violence and horror....sad.

There is where my conviction comes is. I understand I'm an adult, and most would say, that because I'm an adult I can watch a sex scene in a movie.

However, anymore, I am realizing, and feel as though God is convicting me of the fact that I am stripping myself and raping my mind by continuing to watch things that are so graphic. Because in all honesty....are they beneficial for me??

The Bible states that "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible- but not everything is constructive." (I Corinthians 10:23)

and that"Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will NOT be mastered by anything. (I Corinthians 6:12) (emphasis added)

The verse in Chapter 6 really sticks out to me because at the end is states "I will not be mastered by anything".

I am realizing that the more I expose my precious brain to things that grotesque, sexually immoral, and graphic, then I am slowly allowing myself to be mastered by them. Because I think about them, I think about them when I go to sleep, when I am distracted, and at random times of the day. Essentially I am raping my mind. I tear away at my own innocence.

Which is why I do NOT look at porn. (among a MILLION other reasons, of which I will not get into right now).

But in essence, what is allowed in films and even on Network television is soft porn, and in some cases borderline porn. And if I choose not to look at porn, why am I watching sexually explicit things anyways?? Of what benefit is there?

It takes my focus off of Christ, and it butchers something that to God is meant to be something beautiful and intimate between a husband and wife and makes it something animalistic, common, and vulgar.

Sex is a beautiful thing, and our society and raped us of our innocence when it comes to sex. It is no longer something intimate and beautiful and sacred, it's just something you "get", that temporarily satisfies a need within us. We no longer love, we lust. We think that by "getting some" we get something, but in reality, we are giving. We give of our innocence, we give of our bodies, our hearts and most importantly, our souls. And pretty soon, we have nothing of our souls left to give to the one person we spend the rest of our lives with.

Perhaps that's why I am so thankful for grace. Grace from a God that forgives me for my failures, that heals deep wounds, deep hurts, and deep mistakes. And so I must pray that God brings me a man that is capable of much grace, and that I myself will have the grace to forgive the mistakes of him.

I have lost much of my innocence (thankfully not my virginity), however, that doesn't mean I can't try something new, that I can't try and start over and protect soul

I can't gain my innocence back, but I can attempt to protect my innocence, and refuse to continue to expose my soul to more abuse, and to not allow my heart to be raped anymore, but what our society says is "normal", and "ok".

So I will no longer watch sex scenes in movies, or on TV or anything else for that matter that is not beneficial to my soul.

so if you are a friend, hold me accountable.....


......here's to regaining innocence. Blessings to you.