late night thoughts from a restless heart

I can't sleep again, tonight I know why.

I am restless and my heart breaks for a little boy too young to understand that his world is collapsing.

For privacy sake I'm just going to call him "G". G is not even 2 years of age. I get to see him every week and be greeted with his adorable whole hearted, charming smile; dimples and all. G has been cared for for months by one of the most amazing foster families I've ever met, G belongs with them, he loves his foster family, they are stable, and nurturing, and they love him...they truly love him, and they have been going through the process to adopt him. He even looks like the family, you'd never know he wasn't their own flesh and blood. I've gotten to see G, move from one good foster home to the this one - and I knew in my heart he belonged with them, I can distinctly remember thinking to myself "this is, his true home, this is his family, this is where he belongs".

G sees his birth mother 1x a week since he was taken over 9 months ago. A teenage mother who can make time to have a boyfriend and do everything she wants to do, except get a job and take care of her amazing little boy. He doesn't even feel comfortable enough around her to seek comfort in her arms when he gets hurt and she's around....she's not his mommy. She simply his mother.

I get to watch and listen to G each week as he seeks the arms and affection of his foster mom, tenderly calling her "ma" because he doesn't yet finish any of the words he vocalizes - it's cute. I've never met anyone except those from the midwest (myself included) that ever called their mom, "ma".

I have watched G over the last 5 months grow from a scared, timid, unsure, silent, unable to walk baby boy - to a confident, bright eyed, affection seeking, laughing little toddler. He is precious, and his smile melts your heart.

And today, my heart breaks for G. He's being taken away from his foster to adopt family....

Simply because his case worker is too lazy to care about what's best for him. Ever since I met her 5 months ago, I knew she didn't care about him, or for that matter any of the kids she works with....she's a tired bitter woman that either was burnt out before she ever got into this job, or has been burned so much that she is now. And in my heart of hearts I say - get out. Get out if your heart isn't in it. You're in a job that requires that you care, that you give, and that your convenience and what you want isn't the most important thing.

She's just wants to close his case and get G's birth mother off of her caseload (I'm paraphrasing from a court hearing). They want to take G from his amazing foster to adopt family and place him with a Step Grandfather he's never even met....

These are the times that I am absolutely enraged by the system that was setup initially to help these kids, these innocent children...these babies. Instead its full of under payed, over worked, burnt out, hardened. Now I will say this: I know that not ever case worker is like this, there are some AMAZING women and men that work in the system who work tirelessly at a thankless job, and so I take this moment, to thank you for all you do. but this woman, this woman who is supposed to be advocating for G - I'd have some choice words for her if I ever met her.

So tonight, i pray for G. I pray for a miracle for a little boy who has finally been found by his family, a family that loves, and adores, and gives him boundaries and stability, and is at the end of this month going to have his world shattered and he won't even understand why. All he'll know is that the family that loved him is all of a sudden not there, and all he'll feel is that once again "someone must not have wanted me".....

G I'm sorry. I'm sorry that our system has failed you, that your birth mother failed you, and that we live in a broken world that has hurt you.

Tonight....my heart breaks for G and I cry tears of ache for this little boy, and I'm praying for a miracle. God...I'm asking for a miracle.....


-love the least

Daniel's Fast Day 9

You know I'm coming to a close on day 9 of this fast and i'm still waiting for some grand ephiphanies from God, but I have yet to be struck by lighting, see writing on the wall, to part any seas, or hear God in that "whisper of the wind". All in due time I suppose, I can say that I am feeling closer to His heart that I have in a long time and that is comforting. (Especially when I want to pick up the phone and order the biggest pizza known to man from Borriello Bros or to just shove a brick of cheese and piece of meat in my mouth) (Insert daydream of eating a fantastic meal here__________________)

I have been thinking to myself a lot "i'm going to eat this, or make this, or have this when I'm done with this fast". I have realized how much I LOVE cooking and baking since I haven't done or really been able to do much of it since starting this thing

I have learned how much eating is a social experience for me. Its hard to not be able to say "hey let's get coffee" or "want to go get ice cream". Even trying to find a place to eat with friends has been difficult and to tell you the truth its been robbing me of the joy of eating with others. I mean I am used to watching people eat delicious foods that I'm choosing not to eat right now, but it's awkward when it makes people feel as though they shouldn't eat in front of me. And that makes me sad, I don't enjoy making others feel that way.

So my goal, for the next 11 days is to try and make this as painless as possible for others. And I'm still waiting for that bolt of lightening to strike me to give me some wisdom on some things.

for now I'll just dream of eating a big fatty mc-fat-fat piece of pizza...

I have had some funny dreams about food lately.

-love the least

Photos from the past

So my mama sent me some pictures from my past, so I thought I'd share

I make a pretty schnazzy Minnie Mouse



I like being a helper, and apparently cucumbers the length of my body were needed...A-SAP! I was actually helping my Papa (grandpa) in his garden



And my uncle used to own a pig farm and we used to ride them, well, try to ride them

Slipper #2

Aaaaannnnnd this is slipper número dos that she got a hold of just yesterday. Sad, and yet funny. I'd say it was more my fault, but she was the one that jumped over the baby gate. Soooo I'd say it's time to get a second baby gate. What a stinker.

Slipper #1

Here is slipper número uno that molly got a hold of. Shame.

Daniel's Fast Day 5

I am 15 minutes away from finishing Day 5 of my Daniel's Fast experience, and let me tell youuuuuuu - it was a tough one!

I was awakened this morning by my lovely puppy Molly at (note it) 4:30 IN THE MORNING!!!

So Molly at this point is usually just like, take me out of here I want out I don't have to pee, just let me out. So it's Friday and I think to myself, ugh I'm not even going to bother waking up to go let her outside when she's going to stand out there 15 minutes and not pee.

so i brought her into my room and the moment I lay down I think to myself....I smell something....OH MY GOSH I'M GOING TO KILL HER! I smell Molly pee! So not only did she pee right next to my bed, she peed on the ONLY article of clothing on my floor!!! and she had so much in her tiny little bladder it could have filled a Nalgene I'm sure of it! Cause it took a lot of paper towel and cleaner to clean that crap up! So at this point I'm pissed, my dog has received a wack or two and I resolve myself (after she has whined for being put back in her crate) that's she's going to go have a visit outside and she's going to stay there until I get up to get ready in the morning and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

So needless to say, my endurance, grace, and patience had run plum out on this fine Friday. So my day didn't start off onto the best foot, I end up being late to my first appointment, felt like I had no idea what the hizzy I was doing working with kids in the first place, and....I'm friggin' starving!!!! I want EVERYTHING I am choosing (we had a talk in KGroup last night about not saying I "have" to do something, but rather we "choose" to do them), so on to what I was saying... I want to shove EVERY food I'm choosing not to eat for 21 days. Perhaps a big piece of chicken, and cheese, on a huge piece of white bread, a Dr. Pepper, and to top it off with a cookies and cream milkshake and a bag of sour gummy worms.

Good golly - I sound like a friggin' fatty!!! I mean Moses smell the Roses, calm down Rachel!

So it was a tough day. I tried to spend time praying, but in all honesty, I didn't do well today. I was in a crotchity modd, I thought more than once "I'm just going to go get a cheeseburger", and then I was reminded as to why I was doing this in the first place: I lack self-discipline and I'm seeking greater intimacy in my relationship with God.

So I didn't cheat, I can't say I was in a better mood, but I tried. I did some much necessary cleaning around my house, made some dinner, watched a movie, folded some laundry and called it a day.

Have I had any huge spiritual revelations or "shazam!" moments yet? Not really. But then again, I'm stubborn...really stubborn, which means I probably won't have a break through until day 20 of this 21 day fast.

So tonight before I fall asleep i will pray that God will soften my heart, that I won't be so stubborn, and that God will help me to wake up tomorrow and Live well.

That's what I want the most, for God to look at me and tell me "you lived well"


-Love the Least

Daniel's Fast Day 1

I have begun a fast called the Daniel's Fast. My brother and sister informed me of it. It is basically a vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no sweeteners (sugar) nothing but fruits, veggies, whole grains, spices, certain oils, and good 'ol H2O. No for those of you that are not aware....I LOVE SUGAR! I mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have it in some way shape or form...which is probably why I am the "shape" I am (round).

I decided to embark on this fast for a few reasons:

1.) I missing a huge piece in my relationship with God: time, intimacy, trust, faith, lack of awe, a number of things we'll just leave it at that.

2.) I lack self discipline. True success in life require self discipline. Whether that be in relationships, work, hobbies, exercise, finances - in anything for it to be successful you have to be self disciplined, and I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say I am lack such a thing and I would like to become a better person and start changing that.

3.) I stupidly mentioned the idea to Mel and she said "ok let's do it"....I'm an idiot (just kidding Mel), and I'm not one to back down from a challenge

I have determined several things upon the first day of this fast let's go over them shall we?!?!

1.) The self discipline I stated earlier that I lacked, well nothings changed, several times today I wanted to cheat

2.) ALWAYS go grocery shopping before something like this endeavor - I had to survive the day on Peanut Butter and all natural fruit ropes. As Pam (my sister) put it "you've got the fasting part down, now you need to eat" - that made me laugh.

3.) I REALLY love eating chicken, bread, cheese, and sugar (4 things forbidden) and as pathetic as it sounds, I missed being able to eat them today. ITS ONLY DAY 1. I mean, good golly, I should be able to go a day and not think about it, but no!

4.) I don't eat well, especially since I spend the majority of my day in other people's homes and in my car, so I either don't eat during the day barely at all, or I eat food that is just not beneficial to me

5.) regardless of how "little" I ate today, what good things I did put into my body, I managed to still go workout and feel great. usually if I go a day without really eating much and end up eating a little something (usually some crappy food) before I go workout I don't make it through my entire workout. Maybe God is trying to make a point?!??! To which I say: I sometimes really hate it when he does that :o)


So Day 1, DONE. Now time to sleep, if this heart burn would go away that would totally rock my world!