It's nearly 1 a.m. I have to be awake again in 5 1/2 short hours, and yet I don't want to lay my head on my pillow yet.
I have been rather overwhelmed and overcome at the loss and the gain of relationships in my life recently.
I sit back and ponder the beauty of the ugly that speckles our existence through our relationships.
If I could take an actual look at my soul I'd see so many beautiful scars from wounds that have healed over the years. I'd see the finger prints of those I have boldly, and not so boldly let into my heart to come and make their mark of their existence in my life. I can see the track marks of those I have loved and whom I've allowed to love me......God, it's so beautiful.
I think so often we push out the old relationships to bring in the new, when it's so unnecessary. don't get me wrong, I think there are only so many people that should truly know the depth of your heart and soul...that's something that isn't meant to be given away easily. But we seem to think that there is only so much room to love so many people. <------------false.
All I want is for my heart to grow bigger, so it can love bigger, and know more love.
I've lost a key friendship in my life recently, and I won't lie. That sucks. It sucks bad. But I have hope and faith that with a dose of space, a dab of healing, a dash of forgiveness, a bit of grace and baked for some time......a beautiful friendship may come around again.
I feel like my heart has opened again. I had closed it off for so long. But there is SO much more in life meant to be lived.
I had a good talk with a friend last night about how "there's got to be something more". We get to feeling so suffocated by where we are in life. We begin to feel like "this is it...." But is it?! It this really it?!
No way!....no....way. I mean who says we have to give up on the passions God has instilled in our souls? What is it about time, age, and life situations that chain us to "reality". Where and when did God say....stop dreaming, this is all you get?! I mean don't get me wrong, life gets in the way, but what if in the midst of our reality we made our really big dreams come true? We never know the possibilities if we don't test our limits and our current situations.
What if we just chose to live big? What if we chose to wake up truly alive, get ready and boldly face the day, to live the "everyday" with greatness and reaching for the dreams and beautifully horrifying things that everyone says "that time has passed", to spend my time with those I love with passion and fervor, to live my everyday as though it was the last great day?
Wouldn't it be great?!?! Man it would be. It would be ideal. And I'll probably walk away after posting this and be bothered because I don't live my life this way....but what if?
What if I tried to? What if everyday I read this:
"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day, I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."
And in turn, as I grab my keys, pet my pup molly on the head, and walk out my front door and greet the day with an open heart......