I've been listening to a particular song on repeat lately simply for one line and is used at the climax of the song, and its so powerful that it's literally brought me to my knees at one point.
"...You have a way of turning winter to spring....make something beautiful of all this suffering....."
I want to first say that there are many suffering far greater than I am, but I will admit, its hard not to get stuck in your own stuff.
I become overwhelmed, overcome, and my human weaknesses and satan take hold of what little faith my body possesses and I break. I begin to make a list, a tally sheet of sorts in my mind, of all the ways I feel like God is smiting me. And then I just begin to feel like....well just get it over with God! I may not be Job, and I'm not sitting in ashes scraping sores with broken pottery, but by golly....I've had ENOUGH! ENOUGH ALREADY!! Enough....please.
And then....God reminds me that He has the capability of turning winter to spring. Of making some beautiful....out of all this suffering....
Again, I know there are many suffering greater hurts than my own, I'm not trivializing them....I recognize this, in fact quite often, and I'm not kidding, I get angry and God for you, because you're suffering. But in the midst of each of us we reach this dark place at times. And maybe its just me. But it's the chasm that lies within my chest. the place where i let my faith fail, logic has no hold, and life loses hope.
What an ugly place to lay. What desperate place to lay your head on your pillow at night.
Winter is different for everyone. The time, the depth, the cold, the desperation, the darkness. It varies for each person. I hope to be able to blog sooner rather than later from this point about being in my "spring". To look back and say....God can, God does, God will..... Now if I could just convince and say those things right NOW. I'm sure that's what God is looking for, but i think I'm just too stubborn to say it...then again, maybe this has gone on long enough and I AM ready....maybe.
Because whatever "this" is that clinging itself on the edges of abyss in my chest....needs to flee from my being.
I read a passage once by Henri Nouwen about "working around the abyss".....so work around it I shall. The abyss is my woundedness, and working around it, is God soothing the ache and healing the soul. Cause this chasm isn't supposed to be there - God said so. He came so that I, you, me, all of us may have life, and have it to the full....to fill the abyss, the chasm. Now....if I would just LET him.
So today although the chasm is there. I will be grateful for the following:
1) An amazing family, sometimes when I think about them, my eyes start welling up with tears....yeah. its true
2) Amazing friends, who are family to me.
3) A semi-warm house and bed to sleep in (semi because we keep it between 55-60 degrees due to the gas bill hahaha)
.....love the least