I am actually not going to use this entire post to talk about how an individual in the same work circle threw me under the bus this past week, but she did, and to be honest, it did a number of things in the following order:
1) It totally blindsided me
2) It made me doubt myself, my abilities, my talents, my judgement, and my ethics
3) It infuriated me because it was an injustice against myself, simply for their personal agenda and gain, and it was done with malice and not rooted in truth
4) Made me realize I can do nothing but continue forward knowing that I had done nothing wrong, and that I needed to leave it in God's hands. Because (i know I should start a sentence with because, but because I don't care...am)....BECAUSE regardless of the outcome, I know that if I stick to Truth and my morals and ethics....God will take care of me one way or another.
Will that mean I won't continue to try and be bulldozed by people, or that bad things won't happen...nope. However, I have an assurance that because I choose to conduct myself with a good work ethic and high moral standards in a way that God asks me too, I can sleep at night, knowing I did right; I did right by that kiddo I served, by me, by the agency I work for. So that is that.
------------------------
It's amazing how one individual can shake your work isn't it? The can shake it up in a positive or negative way.
Who has shaken your world up?
What was the experience? Was it a positive or negative experience?
--------------------
My world was recently shaken up for some time the past few months. I have been on pins and needles pending the results of the parole hearing for the man, Donald Mason, who murdered my Aunt Ruthie. I was only 4, but I have been deeply affected by this very self and demented man.
So I wrote a victim impact statement and sent it to the Parole Board, as did a few others in my family. Truly though I have been preparing myself since I was a teenager that upon his first parole hearing....he would be walking the streets again, with the freedom and ability to not only hurt my family but perhaps someone elses as well.
I had been waiting, waiting, and waiting to find out, even though I had come to terms with the worst outcome.....and so I waited and prayed, I cried, I prayed, I cried with family, I cried with friends as myself and my family relived the experience of her death all over again, and....I prayed.
Then, I receive a text from my oldest brother......"Rachel, he was denied parole for another 2 years!!!"
As I stood there in Wal-Mart in the toy aisle, surrounded by Dolls and race cars, my eyes welled up in tears, of all places I could be....but I couldn't help it. It seemed like a dream....an absolute surreal moment.
Here, now, in a place in time in which so many people with evil in their hearts are allowed over and over and over again to hurt society due to our failed reactive (rather than proactive) justice system, there I stood praising Jesus, crying, in WalMart.....God did a miracle, I know, because there is no reason our judicial system would really keep him there considering the massive amounts of individuals they release simply because they do not have funding or the room. He did a miracle, I know it.... I know. And for those in my family that actually made the effort to relive this experience and write their letters and experience this gut wrenching heartache....I know that God took our efforts and created a miracle and I am so grateful.
So two years from now I will be doing the same, praying for a miracle, and I know that God can do it.....
Donald Mason shook my world, he shook my family's world, but God is bigger than the evil inside of his heart....and tonight I will rest....
-love the least
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Heavy
....I suppose this is the best word I could use to describe how my soul feels....heavy.
I have spent my time, energy, and thoughts these past few months in regards to a Victim Impact Statement that I have needed and wanted to write to the State of New York Parole Board.
Over 21 years ago, my aunt Ruthie was brutally murdered by her husband. Coming up in November that man will face the parole board to see if he may be released early on parole. His sentence was 21 years - life......he has served his minimum 21 years
I have been trying for to months to compose my victim impact statement, I just finished it tonight. I feel like it is crap, like I am not doing my Aunt Ruthie any justice, and yet I am trying so hard to do right by her and my grams.
A couple of weekends ago I sat with my grams, brother, sister in law, and my mama to video tape my grams' victim impact statement....it was heart wrenching. I was able to take part in some very candid, very raw conversations.....I feel closer to my family because of it....I truly am blessed to have the parents, the brothers, and sister in laws that I do.
Me not wanting him to be released from prison is not a matter of forgiveness, it's about justice. I read in a book recently that to forgive someone is "to let go of their throat". And I sat and cried over that statement for a long time, because at times, i wonder...if I ever saw him, the man who murdered my aunt, the man I called my uncle; if I ever saw him face to face, would I be able to let go of his throat??
At times I can answer confidently that I would, other times, actually many times, I am not so sure that I could.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and I am justified in being angry, if my anger is rooted in seeking justice and fighting against what is unjust. God calls us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him. I don't do that very well, but I sure am trying. So am I capable of having a righteous anger towards an unjust act, while still having mercy towards the man that took something so precious?
I am trying, I truly am trying. But it is really really hard.
......love the least
I have spent my time, energy, and thoughts these past few months in regards to a Victim Impact Statement that I have needed and wanted to write to the State of New York Parole Board.
Over 21 years ago, my aunt Ruthie was brutally murdered by her husband. Coming up in November that man will face the parole board to see if he may be released early on parole. His sentence was 21 years - life......he has served his minimum 21 years
I have been trying for to months to compose my victim impact statement, I just finished it tonight. I feel like it is crap, like I am not doing my Aunt Ruthie any justice, and yet I am trying so hard to do right by her and my grams.
A couple of weekends ago I sat with my grams, brother, sister in law, and my mama to video tape my grams' victim impact statement....it was heart wrenching. I was able to take part in some very candid, very raw conversations.....I feel closer to my family because of it....I truly am blessed to have the parents, the brothers, and sister in laws that I do.
Me not wanting him to be released from prison is not a matter of forgiveness, it's about justice. I read in a book recently that to forgive someone is "to let go of their throat". And I sat and cried over that statement for a long time, because at times, i wonder...if I ever saw him, the man who murdered my aunt, the man I called my uncle; if I ever saw him face to face, would I be able to let go of his throat??
At times I can answer confidently that I would, other times, actually many times, I am not so sure that I could.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and I am justified in being angry, if my anger is rooted in seeking justice and fighting against what is unjust. God calls us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him. I don't do that very well, but I sure am trying. So am I capable of having a righteous anger towards an unjust act, while still having mercy towards the man that took something so precious?
I am trying, I truly am trying. But it is really really hard.
......love the least
As promised...
Ok so I am going to do a few posts, it'll take a few days, but here are a few photos from my trip back to Michigan a couple weekends ago to hangout with my family all together before my brother heads to Iraq for another tour (yippee for the military...sick!)
These are of my whole family at the apple orchard where we picked some fantastic apples and I made myself sick on cider mill cider and donuts.....YUM!!!!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Fan-freakin-tastic weekend
According to my brother (hey Aaron!!!) I don't blog enough...so for Aaron, and those few others that read this every now and then I'll try to be better about it.
I headed to Ouray, CO this past weekend with my friend Cathy and Katie....it was INcredible!!! I know this is brief but I'm super tired and have to see 9 kiddos for work tomorrow, so I will tomorrow night post some pictures of this past weekend and blog about what's been going on in my not very fast paced life.....
For night...I am going to sleep, wishing I was still nestled in the mountains in Ouray, CO in a hot spring and the most breath taking view before me, it really was amazing.
....love the least
-Rachel
I headed to Ouray, CO this past weekend with my friend Cathy and Katie....it was INcredible!!! I know this is brief but I'm super tired and have to see 9 kiddos for work tomorrow, so I will tomorrow night post some pictures of this past weekend and blog about what's been going on in my not very fast paced life.....
For night...I am going to sleep, wishing I was still nestled in the mountains in Ouray, CO in a hot spring and the most breath taking view before me, it really was amazing.
....love the least
-Rachel
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
freaking HI...LARIOUS!
Thank you to my dear friend Mike Van de for connecting me with this video....viewer beware, it will be in your head for a week, but you will also get a good 10 minutes laugh from it as well...
Why don't more bands sound like this!?!?! It's an outrage I say...outrage!
I sure hope we sing this at church soon...
Why don't more bands sound like this!?!?! It's an outrage I say...outrage!
I sure hope we sing this at church soon...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
the garden of your soul...
in reading the book "The Shack" I was reminded of this brilliant metaphor about the garden of our soul.....
I would be magnificent to actually see what each person's garden looked like. The brilliant array of colors and smells flooding your senses as you interact with people. It would be nice, too for those souls that are dying, of those that have pushed The Light from their hearts, to be engulfed by darkness, To be able to see their garden withering and perhaps we could know their intentions, or better know how to try and bring life to their soul.
------------------------------------------
These were some other beautiful insights from The Shack the following are some excerpts:
"Relationships are never about power and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself- to serve. Humans often do this - in touching the infirm and sick, in serving the ones whose minds have left to wander, in relating to the poor, in loving the very old and the very young, or even in caring for the other who has assumed a position of power over them."
The following was a passage that struck me really hard:
"Most birds were created to fly. being ground for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. . . . You (meaning us) on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."
Another passage that struck me was a dialog that occurred between the main character (Mack) and God. God chose to appear to Mack as an large beaming beautiful African American woman, whom Mack could call "Papa". Certainly not how most people would envision God. But from the moment I read the line where God was introduced in this manner....I thought it was brilliant, fitting, I loved it!!
Anyways, in this dialog, God was explaining to Mack why he had chosen to reveal himself to Mack in this form and God explains that:
The way God chooses to reveal or appear to us is because He loves us - it may not make sense, but it is to keep us from falling so easily back into our religious conditioning.
Which I must say I have fallen prey to: religious conditioning. But how beautiful, for God to neither be man nor woman to take the gender form of one, yet the gender name of another. For God to meet or deepest need for security in the depths of our hurt, by revealing himself to us in the way that makes us feel safest.....it's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
If God appeared, or has revealed Himself to you, how would he appear to you???
I will have to think on that for myself....and put it in my next post.
I would be magnificent to actually see what each person's garden looked like. The brilliant array of colors and smells flooding your senses as you interact with people. It would be nice, too for those souls that are dying, of those that have pushed The Light from their hearts, to be engulfed by darkness, To be able to see their garden withering and perhaps we could know their intentions, or better know how to try and bring life to their soul.
------------------------------------------
These were some other beautiful insights from The Shack the following are some excerpts:
"Relationships are never about power and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself- to serve. Humans often do this - in touching the infirm and sick, in serving the ones whose minds have left to wander, in relating to the poor, in loving the very old and the very young, or even in caring for the other who has assumed a position of power over them."
The following was a passage that struck me really hard:
"Most birds were created to fly. being ground for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. . . . You (meaning us) on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."
Another passage that struck me was a dialog that occurred between the main character (Mack) and God. God chose to appear to Mack as an large beaming beautiful African American woman, whom Mack could call "Papa". Certainly not how most people would envision God. But from the moment I read the line where God was introduced in this manner....I thought it was brilliant, fitting, I loved it!!
Anyways, in this dialog, God was explaining to Mack why he had chosen to reveal himself to Mack in this form and God explains that:
The way God chooses to reveal or appear to us is because He loves us - it may not make sense, but it is to keep us from falling so easily back into our religious conditioning.
Which I must say I have fallen prey to: religious conditioning. But how beautiful, for God to neither be man nor woman to take the gender form of one, yet the gender name of another. For God to meet or deepest need for security in the depths of our hurt, by revealing himself to us in the way that makes us feel safest.....it's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
If God appeared, or has revealed Himself to you, how would he appear to you???
I will have to think on that for myself....and put it in my next post.
beautifully written....
I have been wanting to read the book "The Shack" for about 4 months now, since I first heard of it. I recently borrowed it from a friend and began reading it....
I haven't completed it yet, but it is a fabulous read so far. Let me give a quick preface to the book without really giving anything away. This man (names Mack), travels to a shack in the woods to meet with God, the significance of the Shack itself though is quite powerful, because it is the place where the last traces of his youngest daughter are found after she was kidnapped by a serial killer.
Now I know this doesn't sound like "ooooo that's a book I want to pick up", but I really don't think you'll be disappointed by this book.
So if you get a chance pick up a copy, give a read..... I will post some quotes from the book soon, probably right after this post, but for now, I just wanted to share how much I am loving this book and I hope you will too!
....love the least
I haven't completed it yet, but it is a fabulous read so far. Let me give a quick preface to the book without really giving anything away. This man (names Mack), travels to a shack in the woods to meet with God, the significance of the Shack itself though is quite powerful, because it is the place where the last traces of his youngest daughter are found after she was kidnapped by a serial killer.
Now I know this doesn't sound like "ooooo that's a book I want to pick up", but I really don't think you'll be disappointed by this book.
So if you get a chance pick up a copy, give a read..... I will post some quotes from the book soon, probably right after this post, but for now, I just wanted to share how much I am loving this book and I hope you will too!
....love the least
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