battered heart, bruised soul, and a small dose of healing

As usual....I've had SEVERAL avenues of thought going through my feeble brain.

I'd say its pretty accurate that some very strategic seeds of change have been placed in my soul, been nurtured with time, given some food of truth, and refreshing splash of amazing relationships and have now begun to thrust forth something healthy in me.

Its funny how we always assume that once we understand "this one thing", or if we can just "get it", or if we "know this, or that, or why?"....that we will have arrived. Only to discover the train of thought keeps moving as does the destination, our souls carry the baggage of wounds acquired with living life and being in relationship with us. How we choose to deal with that baggage along our journey makes such a difference. Will I carry the weight of this wound with me into this relationship? Will I carry this wound into this phase of my life? Will I carry the wound of "unknowns and mistrust" because of the never ending "whys" that are in my life?

I mean truly why not me? Why not them? Why cancer? Why poverty? Why starvation? Why singleness? Why AIDS? Why life altering disability? Why infertility? Why them and not me? Why....why?...........why?

But Abba, if you were to give me nothing more in my life....could I still look to You and praise you? Is the mere fact of knowing.....you came, you lived, you loved, you sacrificed, you died for me, for my soul....enough? Could I look to you and say, even if you don't save me from the suffering and turmoil of this life, I will still praise you? Will I still believe?

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I had an epiphany back in December with my nephew Joel:



gradually over the course of the past year or so, i've had seeds planted into my soul, these seeds have grown a fabric of healing over me. On that December day, It was a seed that nestled its way into my heart. But on December 11th to be exact. It was my nephew Joel's 2nd birthday and I decided to take him out on a date in the morning so that Mike and Alicia could prepare their house to surprise Joel for his birthday. So Joel and I proceeded to go to the store to buy him a few fun toys for his birthday.

Here's where the epiphany occured; as we drove to Toys-R-Us. Now let's preface with the fact that Joel is now 2, which means that life is at the prime of learning. he is really taking in the world around him, wants to know, wants to understand....he wants answers. And in order to get answers we all ask the same question: Why? Joel doesn't have the full capacity to process and decipher all the answers that are given to his "Why?" Question for everything in life.....he's 2. And no matter what answer you give Joel to his "why?" question, it's NEVER enough, he never stops asking why, even if you lead him to the root of the answer....you can never seem to satisfy that unquenchable question.......

So as Joel and I drove to Toys-R-Us I looked into the rearview mirror at him and said

"Joely....do you know that I love you?"

and Joel in the incessant and insistent way that he does as the ripe ol' age of 2, proceeded to say "why?"

"because I love you Joel, I just do"

"why Auntie, Rachel?"

"Joel.....I love you, for no other reason than because you.....are just you"

.............(silence).

That was it. He just sat the rest of the way to Toys-R-Us in silence.


It was a break through for me.....

It was such a break through that it actually brought tears to my eyes.

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I have struggled since the time I can remember to truly understand, know, and believe, that God loves me. That He loves me without question, hesitation, or reservation.

Now, I get that God loves us, it's a great in theory. I get the Sunday school answers, I know the knowledge of the head when it comes to God's love (to an extent). But what I've never done is take that and truly taste it, to feel it, to breathe it in deep to the marrow of my bones.

You see Brooklyn is 5, Judah is almost 4, and Joel is 2. And I love them. I genuinely, whole-heartedly, unequivocally, unabashadly love them. I love them without hesitation.....and they aren't even my kids. In fact they're not even technically related to me.

And.....if I can love them how deeply and passionately I do and I'm not even related to them.......how much more can the God that created me love me?

I've spent almost 29 years of my life asking "why Abba? Why do you love me? How can you me?"

The idea that God not only loves, but likes me, that He DELIGHTS in me, is such an unnerving thought that I've actually been unable to verbally say it about myself. Those words are painful for me to utter about myself. I can say it in reference to others till I'm blue in the face, but to actually utter "God, delights in me" what almost something I was physically incapable of doing.

And that moment in the car brought such a brilliant vision of clarity that it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

See God says to each of us "Oh, how I wish you knew how much I love you, how much I delight it you, how much I cherish you"

Just like i was saying to Joel. and I (in my real life scenario) am Joel; constantly questioning and unbelieving of the answers. I struggled to be "enough", and have never amounted to "enough" in my own eyes, so how could God? I truly wanted to know "why?"

And in that moment when Joel actually heard me say "I love you, simply for the fact that you......are you" and didn't ask "why?" one more time. My walls of mistrust began to crumble. The cracks began to form in the walls I'd worked so hard to build, and the light of truth began its journey into my heart.

I think God for over 28 years has just been waiting for me to ask why? and for the answer of "simply because you....are you and I delight in You" to be enough for me.


The may be old news to most, but for me, like I said I know that God "loves me" I can tell someone all the amazing, incredible, unique things about them that makes them special and why God delights in them, but never in a million years did I think i would believe that idea for myself.

The small doses of healing over my battered bruised heart have begun to take in the soil of my soul.


Here's the the journey. May we all just sit back and be at peace knowing that we are treasured, whether the life around us, or the people around us, or the suffering around us tells us otherwise.


May we be.........at peace. And may we rest.

My Grams

I'll just say right now, this post is neither poetic or well written. In fact it is sure to be neither, because I am tired, my heart is heavy, and my soul is hurting.

The past 2 months alone have made me want to pack my bags and move to New Zealand on a permanent vacation (why New Zealand? Heck if I know, but I hear it's incredible). But anyways this past few months I've had to pack up my life and move AGAIN (after only being in my house for 6 months), all while working 30 hours a week, taking 16 credits (class 3 days a week), and completing 2 clinical rotations for class. Then my pops had a heart attack; that scared the beJesus outta me, but he's doing well and for that I am SO grateful. Then my car was totaled after a girl ran into the back of me, leaving me on the hunt for a car for a month and having to "borrow" other people's cars to still work and go to school (thank you Elaina and Mike - I have gracious and giving friends), which a slew of back and neck problems have ensued because of said accident....awesomeness... Then, the worst.....my grams. My grams suffered a stroke this past Sunday, this to me is devastating.

My grams and I are close, not just grandma to granddaughter close, but the kind of close that most grandkids don't have with the grandparents. My grams and I have a special relationship, the kind where when I see her she says "there's my girl" or "how my girl". She has these particular ways of letting me know she cares and she's thinking about me.

Like from the time I can remember, my grams has always had gum for me, kind of our special little thing (that and gummy bears). But growing up every time I'd see her, I'd ask her for some gum, and EVERYtime, she'd have gum for me, even after I went off to college she would send me packs of gum while I was at school. Everytime she knew I was coming home to visit, she'd have gum, even when I moved to Colorado, if I was coming to Michigan to visit, or if she knew my parents were going to see me.....she'd have gum for me. I'm 28 years old, and to this day.....she still buys gum for me. Or She still tries to make me rice pudding when she can, cause she knows I love that too. Call me cheezy and sentimental, but it means something to me. It means something to me that she not only hopes that I'll call her, but that she makes the effort to call me. It means something to me that she prays for me everyday.




We still talk on the phone, we catch up. If ever I'm back in Michigan, even for the shortest trip.....I won't leave that state until I get to see her. She holds a very near and dear place in my heart, and right now, to not be sitting by her side while she is trying to recover from this.....is a very hard pill for me to swallow. To not be able to hug her when I tell her I love her. To not be able to encourage her while she's doing her therapy. To be a smiling face for her to see when her world seems dark and lonely. To not be there to care for her. It's tough. It's really tough, and I hate it.

It's gut wrenching to talk to her on the phone and hear her say in her muffled slurred speech that "I sure wish you were here Rachel....." it makes me weep.

She's not just my grandma, she's my grams. She's mygrams, and right now she's hurting, she's sick, and I want the best for her, whatever that may be.

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to post of this. Maybe it's just to tell you all about how amazing she is. About how I have countless memories of being at my grams and papa's house, spending countless hours with them, how they were like second parents to me. Maybe it's to express that it gives me great pride to know that her kind, generous, joyful, sarcastic, sassy, God-fearing, God-loving, gracious, tenderhearted, stubborn genes flow through my veins. It's part of her that has made me who I am, it's part of the heritage she created, and the family she gave back to the Lord that has molded me, shaped me, made me. It's her example that shaped my momma, who shaped me. She is a piece woven into the fabric of who I am, and for that I am grateful. I'm indebted to her example of being an Christ-like example, of how she showed me how to be a gracious servant, to serve and to serve lovingly.


I am grateful for not only an incredible immediate family but extended family that God has graciously placed me into. A family that sure does know how to have a great time, a family that uses sarcasm as love language (and I LOVE it), a family that has been rooted in the truth and love of Christ, a family that has a love that doesn't know distance or time.

So if you could, say a prayer for my Grams. That God would take care of her.




With her sister, my beloved Aunt Viola



Down on the farm in Illinois, not all were present, but this is a sign of some great heritage




Time to make the cookies




87 and was still bowlin'! Hot dang Betty's still had it!!




Christmas 2008 up at Bronners



CHECK OUT THAT SHINER!! ;o) This is what I love about her, she's so spunky and has such a good sense of humor that she'll pose and "put up her dukes" for me after she had taken a fall



My two wonderful grandma's. Miss you grandma Lake




With her 4 amazing daughters




I love you Grams. My Grams.

Seek God, know God, love God....

It’s 10:41 at night. And the sun set with rain and has now given way to a storm. The dawn of the day has ushered in the darkness of the night. The day has transition to one of hot humidity (well as humid as Colorado can get), to the sound the wind in the trees, the steady hush of the rain, the drops I can hear hitting the porch, the power of the thunder that follows the brilliance of a lightening strike. I have been long pondering transitions in life. The transition into parenthood (no I’m not pregnant, nor will I become a mother anytime soon…..that I know of); transitioning from old self to new self, the transition of friendships, the roles of relationships, how I view myself, how I view others, how I view God, how I serve, how I love, how interact with the world around me from day to day. My life is in a state of transition lately, so much is changing, and I knew it was coming because "2010 is my year of change". Not just my hairstyle, or wardrobe, but of God shaping me more into what He longs for me to be than I've ever allowed him to do so before. And with it, has come some really hard changes...the type of change that hurts the heart most....the change of relationships. I have moments of peace and many moments of ache over it....all in all I trust and know that I am doing what God longs for me....but it aches nonetheless. I love the new relationships He has ushered in (they have been a blessing beyond words), but I still miss the comfort and ease of relationship with those that have known me for years. Relationships with people I know and love and have invested in.....man, transition just has a way of making the soul ache even when the change is good.

Part of me wishes and wants to believe that transitions begin to fade with age. That, however, as I have reached a mere 28 years of age, is not truth. We are constantly growing, constantly changing, constantly adapting, AND, if we are not….then we are ceasing to exist as God has called us to exist.

Allow me to clarify. The Biblical goal of life is: to seek God, to know God, to love God, to become more like Christ. And we are called to do these things through these commandments: To love God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, all our strength AND to love our neighbor as you love yourself (Luke 10:27) Now that last one is a bit messy because we as a human race tend to love ourselves poorly and as a result we love our neighbors poorly….true fact, I promise. We think we love ourselves well, because we “look out for #1, we take care of ourselves, we essentially, are selfish. I would like to bring up the point that if we TRULY loved God with our entire beings, we would then love ourselves as God created us to be, and in turn we would love others as though they were precious creatures of God, no matter who they are. Anyways, the last way we are called to seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ is this: to follow TRUE religion which is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27)

We are called to love mercy, act justly, and walk humbly with the Lord (Micah 6:8)
Onto how this links to transitions. If we really are trying to seek God, know God, love God, and be more like Christ, then we will NEVER stop transitioning. Because until I am on my face before the throne of God with my face bowed to the ground for the sight of him in inconceivable, until I meet my maker….I will not have arrived. I will not, should not, can not stop moving forward in the transition of life. Without growth of life, of self, then we (I believe), are ceasing to seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ.
So maybe I’m asking myself: Rachel, WHAT are you doing? HOW are you trying seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ?

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On another note….I’m leaving Colorado for the first time since Christmas ’09. I leave on a red eye Saturday morning at 1:10 a.m. I arrive in MI at 10:30 a.m. on Saturday and leave MI the next day (Sunday) at 4:30 a.m. to travel to West Virginia with a group of great middle school and high schoolers for a week long missions trip and we will be joining up with about 130 other high school and middle schoolers from around the U.S. I get the blessing and privilege to lead the worship for the entire group for the week and I. am. Nervous. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely excited and can’t wait for the opportunity, but there is a big piece of me that is really nervous. I love love LOVE being a part of worship, of participating in it, in having the opportunity to facilitate and lead part of the body of Christ in a state of worship. But nonetheless….I am nervous.

If you could, please keep us in your prayers:
For safe travels
For cohesiveness amongst the group
For hearts to be soft and open to the Lord and what He longs to show and teach each of us
For me to not get in the way as I lead worship, that it would not be about me, and that there would not be any distractions or hiccups.
For the group to have a fun time
For my body not to give out from exhaustion. ☺


I covet your prayers. I'll hopefully have a chance when I get back to fill y'all in about the trip and share some pics.

love the least.....

living in the "to-day"

I've been having a lot of "is-this-really-my-life" moments lately. Not always in a bad way, not always in a good way.

Like when I'm standing in my bare feet in the grass and my 18-month old nephew (well my surrogate nephew) Joel comes up to me as I'm blowing bubbles and to get my attention he throws his arms in the air, and cries out in the most desperate plea as saying my name like Rocky screaming for Adrian: "NAH-NAAAAAAAH!!!" (yes, that's how he says Rachel, "nah-nah" - I LOVE IT!)

and I reply.... "Yes, Joely?"

and in THE sweetest, most tender, raspy little voice he can muster, he looks at me with a smile on his face, a glint in his eye, and joy in his heart, he utters ...."baaah-bulls....."

"Yeah, Joely, they're bubbles"

WHACK!!!! I've been walloped with a stick like apparatus that Joel now possess as his "this-gets-me-attention club"

"NAH-NAAAAAAH"

"Yes Joely"....

"Aiiy"(hi)

.....he melts my heart


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Yeah those are the great "is-this-really-my-life" moments

And then there are the other "is-this-really-my-life" moments; when time keeps ticking and life keeps moving, and the mundane, in and out, gotta-do-what-you-gotta-do days occur, and when 3 a.m. chimes and I'm still lying in bed awake wondering about the nature of life, the way the world works, the wounds we all receive, and the way we try to work around the abyss they create in our souls. I lie there praying, aching, and loving over those that I hold dear in my feeble heart.

I wonder, "will it always be like this", and then I have a moment of hope knowing "no, it won't". It won't always be like this. Someday I'll know fullness in every extent of the word. Fullness of life, of love, of joy, of peace, of patience, of kindness, of goodness......someday. And then I long for the "some-day" instead of living the "to-day".

And when I do that, when I long for the "some-day" instead of living in the "to-day", I can miss the "THIS-is-really-my-life" moments, when Judah (my other nephew), out of the blue says "Auntie Way-chel......I love you".....yeah, it really does melt my heart.



Those moments, when I remember not to get caught up in the enemy of my own thinking and the waywardness of my own complicated soul, they help me love deeper, wider, higher. They help me know, understand, taste the sweetness of God's love and presence in the right here....right now. And when I live in the right here and right now, I begin to get a glimpse, a feel, a touch, a taste of the fullness of "someday".

Tomorrow I will do some of the gotta-do-what-you-gotta-do stuff, but then I will celebrate with friends, have some great times with some other great friends, and then I will lay my head on my pillow....and rest.

So here's to living in the right here right now of "to-day", instead of the longing of "some-day". For if we live in the right here right now "today" the "someday" will be present, and life.....life will be, so, very, good.



These are some of the people and that help make my life great

I'm adding some "maybes" to Summa to do list

1) Play in a sprinkler (Hopefully with some really fun kiddos!) ---(CHECK!)
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping ---(CHECK!)
4) Snuggle a baby ---(CHECK!)
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts ---(CHECK!)
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends ---(CHECK!)
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink ---(CHECK!)
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet ---(CHECK!)
15) enjoy a picnic ---(CHECK!)
16) blow bubbles ---(CHECK!)
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly (I can never do enough of this to check it off!)
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me

21) go to zoo ---(CHECK!)
22) Summer BBQ's ---(CHECK!)
23) lose 15 libbys
24) Lunch date(s) with dear friend(s)
25) Celebrate the birth of the amazing Hudson Van de Casteele
26) Turn 28 (not really looking forward to this, but it'll be checked regardless if I "want" to or not haha) ---(CHECK!)
27) Hike, hike, hike!
28) Jog Jack Quinns on Tuesday night(s)
29) Give my grams a squeeze - this may or may not be possible because I may not being going to MI anytime this summer :o(
30) Take each of my (surrogate) niece (Brooklyn), and nephews (Judah and Joel) out on a "date"
31) Laugh until I cry and my stomach hurts ---(CHECK!)
32) Soak up the sun ---(CHECK!)
33) Drink in each day
34) Dry some of my clothes on the clothes line ---(CHECK!)
35) Give more, spend less
36) Go Mountain Biking
37) See a concert at Red Rocks

These are "maybe's" but definite "I want to do's"
38) Sky Diving
39) White water rafting
40)

Summa, summa, summa....sum-ma time!!!!...take dos!

I've added to my list and have "checked" off the ones I've done (however that does not mean I won't do them a bajillion more times this summer)

1) Play in a sprinkler (Hopefully with some really fun kiddos!) ---(CHECK!)
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping
4) Snuggle a baby
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink ---(CHECK!)
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet ---(CHECK!)
15) enjoy a picnic ---(CHECK!)
16) blow bubbles ---(CHECK!)
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly (I can never do enough of this to check it off!)
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me

21) go to zoo ---(CHECK!)
22) Summer BBQ's ---(CHECK!)
23) lose 15 libbys
24) Lunch date with dear friend(s)
25) Celebrate the birth of the amazing Hudson Van de Casteele
26) Turn 28 (not really looking forward to this, but it'll be checked regardless if I "want" to or not haha)
27) Hike, hike, hike!
28) Jog Jack Quinns on Tuesday night(s)
29) Give my grams a squeeze - this may or may not be possible because I may not being going to MI anytime this summer :o(
30) Take each of my (surrogate) niece (Brooklyn), and nephews (Judah and Joel) out on a "date"
31) Laugh until I cry and my stomach hurts
32) Soak up the sun
33) Drink in each day
34) Dry some of my clothes on the clothes line
35) Give more, spend less
36) Mountain Bike


more to still come........ :o) I. love. Summer

Summa, summa, summa....sum-ma time!!!!

Since I failed miserably and doing the "27 things to do before I turn 28" I'm scraping that list and going smaller scale.

I'm going to make a list of all the fantastical, whimsical, merry summer things to do before October 1st. Some I have already done and shall do again :o)

So drum roll please, and in no particular order:

1) Play in a sprinkler
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping
4) Snuggle a baby
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet
15) enjoy a picnic
16) blow bubbles
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me


.....more to come