I am not, but I know I AM....

battered heart, bruised soul, and a small dose of healing

2010-12-26T21:18:00.005-07:00

As usual....I've had SEVERAL avenues of thought going through my feeble brain.

I'd say its pretty accurate that some very strategic seeds of change have been placed in my soul, been nurtured with time, given some food of truth, and refreshing splash of amazing relationships and have now begun to thrust forth something healthy in me.

Its funny how we always assume that once we understand "this one thing", or if we can just "get it", or if we "know this, or that, or why?"....that we will have arrived. Only to discover the train of thought keeps moving as does the destination, our souls carry the baggage of wounds acquired with living life and being in relationship with us. How we choose to deal with that baggage along our journey makes such a difference. Will I carry the weight of this wound with me into this relationship? Will I carry this wound into this phase of my life? Will I carry the wound of "unknowns and mistrust" because of the never ending "whys" that are in my life?

I mean truly why not me? Why not them? Why cancer? Why poverty? Why starvation? Why singleness? Why AIDS? Why life altering disability? Why infertility? Why them and not me? Why....why?...........why?

But Abba, if you were to give me nothing more in my life....could I still look to You and praise you? Is the mere fact of knowing.....you came, you lived, you loved, you sacrificed, you died for me, for my soul....enough? Could I look to you and say, even if you don't save me from the suffering and turmoil of this life, I will still praise you? Will I still believe?

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I had an epiphany back in December with my nephew Joel:

gradually over the course of the past year or so, i've had seeds planted into my soul, these seeds have grown a fabric of healing over me. On that December day, It was a seed that nestled its way into my heart. But on December 11th to be exact. It was my nephew Joel's 2nd birthday and I decided to take him out on a date in the morning so that Mike and Alicia could prepare their house to surprise Joel for his birthday. So Joel and I proceeded to go to the store to buy him a few fun toys for his birthday.

Here's where the epiphany occured; as we drove to Toys-R-Us. Now let's preface with the fact that Joel is now 2, which means that life is at the prime of learning. he is really taking in the world around him, wants to know, wants to understand....he wants answers. And in order to get answers we all ask the same question: Why? Joel doesn't have the full capacity to process and decipher all the answers that are given to his "Why?" Question for everything in life.....he's 2. And no matter what answer you give Joel to his "why?" question, it's NEVER enough, he never stops asking why, even if you lead him to the root of the answer....you can never seem to satisfy that unquenchable question.......

So as Joel and I drove to Toys-R-Us I looked into the rearview mirror at him and said

"Joely....do you know that I love you?"

and Joel in the incessant and insistent way that he does as the ripe ol' age of 2, proceeded to say "why?"

"because I love you Joel, I just do"

"why Auntie, Rachel?"

"Joel.....I love you, for no other reason than because you.....are just you"

.............(silence).

That was it. He just sat the rest of the way to Toys-R-Us in silence.

It was a break through for me.....

It was such a break through that it actually brought tears to my eyes.

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I have struggled since the time I can remember to truly understand, know, and believe, that God loves me. That He loves me without question, hesitation, or reservation.

Now, I get that God loves us, it's a great in theory. I get the Sunday school answers, I know the knowledge of the head when it comes to God's love (to an extent). But what I've never done is take that and truly taste it, to feel it, to breathe it in deep to the marrow of my bones.

You see Brooklyn is 5, Judah is almost 4, and Joel is 2. And I love them. I genuinely, whole-heartedly, unequivocally, unabashadly love them. I love them without hesitation.....and they aren't even my kids. In fact they're not even technically related to me.

And.....if I can love them how deeply and passionately I do and I'm not even related to them.......how much more can the God that created me love me?

I've spent almost 29 years of my life asking "why Abba? Why do you love me? How can you me?"

The idea that God not only loves, but likes me, that He DELIGHTS in me, is such an unnerving thought that I've actually been unable to verbally say it about myself. Those words are painful for me to utter about myself. I can say it in reference to others till I'm blue in the face, but to actually utter "God, delights in me" what almost something I was physically incapable of doing.

And that moment in the car brought such a brilliant vision of clarity that it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

See God says to each of us "Oh, how I wish you knew how much I love you, how much I delight it you, how much I cherish you"

Just like i was saying to Joel. and I (in my real life scenario) am Joel; constantly questioning and unbelieving of the answers. I struggled to be "enough", and have never amounted to "enough" in my own eyes, so how could God? I truly wanted to know "why?"

And in that moment when Joel actually heard me say "I love you, simply for the fact that you......are you" and didn't ask "why?" one more time. My walls of mistrust began to crumble. The cracks began to form in the walls I'd worked so hard to build, and the light of truth began its journey into my heart.

I think God for over 28 years has just been waiting for me to ask why? and for the answer of "simply because you....are you and I delight in You" to be enough for me.

The may be old news to most, but for me, like I said I know that God "loves me" I can tell someone all the amazing, incredible, unique things about them that makes them special and why God delights in them, but never in a million years did I think i would believe that idea for myself.

The small doses of healing over my battered bruised heart have begun to take in the soil of my soul.

Here's the the journey. May we all just sit back and be at peace knowing that we are treasured, whether the life around us, or the people around us, or the suffering around us tells us otherwise.

May we be.........at peace. And may we rest.

My Grams

2010-11-09T12:28:00.012-07:00

I'll just say right now, this post is neither poetic or well written. In fact it is sure to be neither, because I am tired, my heart is heavy, and my soul is hurting.

The past 2 months alone have made me want to pack my bags and move to New Zealand on a permanent vacation (why New Zealand? Heck if I know, but I hear it's incredible). But anyways this past few months I've had to pack up my life and move AGAIN (after only being in my house for 6 months), all while working 30 hours a week, taking 16 credits (class 3 days a week), and completing 2 clinical rotations for class. Then my pops had a heart attack; that scared the beJesus outta me, but he's doing well and for that I am SO grateful. Then my car was totaled after a girl ran into the back of me, leaving me on the hunt for a car for a month and having to "borrow" other people's cars to still work and go to school (thank you Elaina and Mike - I have gracious and giving friends), which a slew of back and neck problems have ensued because of said accident....awesomeness... Then, the worst.....my grams. My grams suffered a stroke this past Sunday, this to me is devastating.

My grams and I are close, not just grandma to granddaughter close, but the kind of close that most grandkids don't have with the grandparents. My grams and I have a special relationship, the kind where when I see her she says "there's my girl" or "how my girl". She has these particular ways of letting me know she cares and she's thinking about me.

Like from the time I can remember, my grams has always had gum for me, kind of our special little thing (that and gummy bears). But growing up every time I'd see her, I'd ask her for some gum, and EVERYtime, she'd have gum for me, even after I went off to college she would send me packs of gum while I was at school. Everytime she knew I was coming home to visit, she'd have gum, even when I moved to Colorado, if I was coming to Michigan to visit, or if she knew my parents were going to see me.....she'd have gum for me. I'm 28 years old, and to this day.....she still buys gum for me. Or She still tries to make me rice pudding when she can, cause she knows I love that too. Call me cheezy and sentimental, but it means something to me. It means something to me that she not only hopes that I'll call her, but that she makes the effort to call me. It means something to me that she prays for me everyday.

We still talk on the phone, we catch up. If ever I'm back in Michigan, even for the shortest trip.....I won't leave that state until I get to see her. She holds a very near and dear place in my heart, and right now, to not be sitting by her side while she is trying to recover from this.....is a very hard pill for me to swallow. To not be able to hug her when I tell her I love her. To not be able to encourage her while she's doing her therapy. To be a smiling face for her to see when her world seems dark and lonely. To not be there to care for her. It's tough. It's really tough, and I hate it.

It's gut wrenching to talk to her on the phone and hear her say in her muffled slurred speech that "I sure wish you were here Rachel....." it makes me weep.

She's not just my grandma, she's my grams. She's mygrams, and right now she's hurting, she's sick, and I want the best for her, whatever that may be.

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to post of this. Maybe it's just to tell you all about how amazing she is. About how I have countless memories of being at my grams and papa's house, spending countless hours with them, how they were like second parents to me. Maybe it's to express that it gives me great pride to know that her kind, generous, joyful, sarcastic, sassy, God-fearing, God-loving, gracious, tenderhearted, stubborn genes flow through my veins. It's part of her that has made me who I am, it's part of the heritage she created, and the family she gave back to the Lord that has molded me, shaped me, made me. It's her example that shaped my momma, who shaped me. She is a piece woven into the fabric of who I am, and for that I am grateful. I'm indebted to her example of being an Christ-like example, of how she showed me how to be a gracious servant, to serve and to serve lovingly.

I am grateful for not only an incredible immediate family but extended family that God has graciously placed me into. A family that sure does know how to have a great time, a family that uses sarcasm as love language (and I LOVE it), a family that has been rooted in the truth and love of Christ, a family that has a love that doesn't know distance or time.

So if you could, say a prayer for my Grams. That God would take care of her.

With her sister, my beloved Aunt Viola

Down on the farm in Illinois, not all were present, but this is a sign of some great heritage

Time to make the cookies

87 and was still bowlin'! Hot dang Betty's still had it!!

Christmas 2008 up at Bronners

CHECK OUT THAT SHINER!! ;o) This is what I love about her, she's so spunky and has such a good sense of humor that she'll pose and "put up her dukes" for me after she had taken a fall

My two wonderful grandma's. Miss you grandma Lake

With her 4 amazing daughters

I love you Grams. My Grams.

Seek God, know God, love God....

2010-07-20T22:07:00.002-07:00

It’s 10:41 at night. And the sun set with rain and has now given way to a storm. The dawn of the day has ushered in the darkness of the night. The day has transition to one of hot humidity (well as humid as Colorado can get), to the sound the wind in the trees, the steady hush of the rain, the drops I can hear hitting the porch, the power of the thunder that follows the brilliance of a lightening strike. I have been long pondering transitions in life. The transition into parenthood (no I’m not pregnant, nor will I become a mother anytime soon…..that I know of); transitioning from old self to new self, the transition of friendships, the roles of relationships, how I view myself, how I view others, how I view God, how I serve, how I love, how interact with the world around me from day to day. My life is in a state of transition lately, so much is changing, and I knew it was coming because "2010 is my year of change". Not just my hairstyle, or wardrobe, but of God shaping me more into what He longs for me to be than I've ever allowed him to do so before. And with it, has come some really hard changes...the type of change that hurts the heart most....the change of relationships. I have moments of peace and many moments of ache over it....all in all I trust and know that I am doing what God longs for me....but it aches nonetheless. I love the new relationships He has ushered in (they have been a blessing beyond words), but I still miss the comfort and ease of relationship with those that have known me for years. Relationships with people I know and love and have invested in.....man, transition just has a way of making the soul ache even when the change is good.

Part of me wishes and wants to believe that transitions begin to fade with age. That, however, as I have reached a mere 28 years of age, is not truth. We are constantly growing, constantly changing, constantly adapting, AND, if we are not….then we are ceasing to exist as God has called us to exist.

Allow me to clarify. The Biblical goal of life is: to seek God, to know God, to love God, to become more like Christ. And we are called to do these things through these commandments: To love God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, all our strength AND to love our neighbor as you love yourself (Luke 10:27) Now that last one is a bit messy because we as a human race tend to love ourselves poorly and as a result we love our neighbors poorly….true fact, I promise. We think we love ourselves well, because we “look out for #1, we take care of ourselves, we essentially, are selfish. I would like to bring up the point that if we TRULY loved God with our entire beings, we would then love ourselves as God created us to be, and in turn we would love others as though they were precious creatures of God, no matter who they are. Anyways, the last way we are called to seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ is this: to follow TRUE religion which is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27)

We are called to love mercy, act justly, and walk humbly with the Lord (Micah 6:8)
Onto how this links to transitions. If we really are trying to seek God, know God, love God, and be more like Christ, then we will NEVER stop transitioning. Because until I am on my face before the throne of God with my face bowed to the ground for the sight of him in inconceivable, until I meet my maker….I will not have arrived. I will not, should not, can not stop moving forward in the transition of life. Without growth of life, of self, then we (I believe), are ceasing to seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ.
So maybe I’m asking myself: Rachel, WHAT are you doing? HOW are you trying seek God, know God, love God, and become more like Christ?

_________________________________________

On another note….I’m leaving Colorado for the first time since Christmas ’09. I leave on a red eye Saturday morning at 1:10 a.m. I arrive in MI at 10:30 a.m. on Saturday and leave MI the next day (Sunday) at 4:30 a.m. to travel to West Virginia with a group of great middle school and high schoolers for a week long missions trip and we will be joining up with about 130 other high school and middle schoolers from around the U.S. I get the blessing and privilege to lead the worship for the entire group for the week and I. am. Nervous. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely excited and can’t wait for the opportunity, but there is a big piece of me that is really nervous. I love love LOVE being a part of worship, of participating in it, in having the opportunity to facilitate and lead part of the body of Christ in a state of worship. But nonetheless….I am nervous.

If you could, please keep us in your prayers:
For safe travels
For cohesiveness amongst the group
For hearts to be soft and open to the Lord and what He longs to show and teach each of us
For me to not get in the way as I lead worship, that it would not be about me, and that there would not be any distractions or hiccups.
For the group to have a fun time
For my body not to give out from exhaustion. ☺

I covet your prayers. I'll hopefully have a chance when I get back to fill y'all in about the trip and share some pics.

love the least.....

living in the "to-day"

2010-06-11T20:53:00.017-07:00

I've been having a lot of "is-this-really-my-life" moments lately. Not always in a bad way, not always in a good way.

Like when I'm standing in my bare feet in the grass and my 18-month old nephew (well my surrogate nephew) Joel comes up to me as I'm blowing bubbles and to get my attention he throws his arms in the air, and cries out in the most desperate plea as saying my name like Rocky screaming for Adrian: "NAH-NAAAAAAAH!!!" (yes, that's how he says Rachel, "nah-nah" - I LOVE IT!)

and I reply.... "Yes, Joely?"

and in THE sweetest, most tender, raspy little voice he can muster, he looks at me with a smile on his face, a glint in his eye, and joy in his heart, he utters ...."baaah-bulls....."

"Yeah, Joely, they're bubbles"

WHACK!!!! I've been walloped with a stick like apparatus that Joel now possess as his "this-gets-me-attention club"

"NAH-NAAAAAAH"

"Yes Joely"....

"Aiiy"(hi)

.....he melts my heart

______________________________

Yeah those are the great "is-this-really-my-life" moments

And then there are the other "is-this-really-my-life" moments; when time keeps ticking and life keeps moving, and the mundane, in and out, gotta-do-what-you-gotta-do days occur, and when 3 a.m. chimes and I'm still lying in bed awake wondering about the nature of life, the way the world works, the wounds we all receive, and the way we try to work around the abyss they create in our souls. I lie there praying, aching, and loving over those that I hold dear in my feeble heart.

I wonder, "will it always be like this", and then I have a moment of hope knowing "no, it won't". It won't always be like this. Someday I'll know fullness in every extent of the word. Fullness of life, of love, of joy, of peace, of patience, of kindness, of goodness......someday. And then I long for the "some-day" instead of living the "to-day".

And when I do that, when I long for the "some-day" instead of living in the "to-day", I can miss the "THIS-is-really-my-life" moments, when Judah (my other nephew), out of the blue says "Auntie Way-chel......I love you".....yeah, it really does melt my heart.

Those moments, when I remember not to get caught up in the enemy of my own thinking and the waywardness of my own complicated soul, they help me love deeper, wider, higher. They help me know, understand, taste the sweetness of God's love and presence in the right here....right now. And when I live in the right here and right now, I begin to get a glimpse, a feel, a touch, a taste of the fullness of "someday".

Tomorrow I will do some of the gotta-do-what-you-gotta-do stuff, but then I will celebrate with friends, have some great times with some other great friends, and then I will lay my head on my pillow....and rest.

So here's to living in the right here right now of "to-day", instead of the longing of "some-day". For if we live in the right here right now "today" the "someday" will be present, and life.....life will be, so, very, good.

These are some of the people and that help make my life great

2010-06-06T22:08:00.003-07:00

I'm adding some "maybes" to Summa to do list

1) Play in a sprinkler (Hopefully with some really fun kiddos!) ---(CHECK!)
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping ---(CHECK!)
4) Snuggle a baby ---(CHECK!)
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts ---(CHECK!)
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends ---(CHECK!)
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink ---(CHECK!)
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet ---(CHECK!)
15) enjoy a picnic ---(CHECK!)
16) blow bubbles ---(CHECK!)
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly (I can never do enough of this to check it off!)
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me

21) go to zoo ---(CHECK!)
22) Summer BBQ's ---(CHECK!)
23) lose 15 libbys
24) Lunch date(s) with dear friend(s)
25) Celebrate the birth of the amazing Hudson Van de Casteele
26) Turn 28 (not really looking forward to this, but it'll be checked regardless if I "want" to or not haha) ---(CHECK!)
27) Hike, hike, hike!
28) Jog Jack Quinns on Tuesday night(s)
29) Give my grams a squeeze - this may or may not be possible because I may not being going to MI anytime this summer :o(
30) Take each of my (surrogate) niece (Brooklyn), and nephews (Judah and Joel) out on a "date"
31) Laugh until I cry and my stomach hurts ---(CHECK!)
32) Soak up the sun ---(CHECK!)
33) Drink in each day
34) Dry some of my clothes on the clothes line ---(CHECK!)
35) Give more, spend less
36) Go Mountain Biking
37) See a concert at Red Rocks

These are "maybe's" but definite "I want to do's"
38) Sky Diving
39) White water rafting
40)

Summa, summa, summa....sum-ma time!!!!...take dos!

2010-06-03T23:19:00.002-07:00

I've added to my list and have "checked" off the ones I've done (however that does not mean I won't do them a bajillion more times this summer)

1) Play in a sprinkler (Hopefully with some really fun kiddos!) ---(CHECK!)
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping
4) Snuggle a baby
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink ---(CHECK!)
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet ---(CHECK!)
15) enjoy a picnic ---(CHECK!)
16) blow bubbles ---(CHECK!)
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly (I can never do enough of this to check it off!)
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me

21) go to zoo ---(CHECK!)
22) Summer BBQ's ---(CHECK!)
23) lose 15 libbys
24) Lunch date with dear friend(s)
25) Celebrate the birth of the amazing Hudson Van de Casteele
26) Turn 28 (not really looking forward to this, but it'll be checked regardless if I "want" to or not haha)
27) Hike, hike, hike!
28) Jog Jack Quinns on Tuesday night(s)
29) Give my grams a squeeze - this may or may not be possible because I may not being going to MI anytime this summer :o(
30) Take each of my (surrogate) niece (Brooklyn), and nephews (Judah and Joel) out on a "date"
31) Laugh until I cry and my stomach hurts
32) Soak up the sun
33) Drink in each day
34) Dry some of my clothes on the clothes line
35) Give more, spend less
36) Mountain Bike

more to still come........ :o) I. love. Summer

Summa, summa, summa....sum-ma time!!!!

2010-05-25T20:28:00.002-07:00

Since I failed miserably and doing the "27 things to do before I turn 28" I'm scraping that list and going smaller scale.

I'm going to make a list of all the fantastical, whimsical, merry summer things to do before October 1st. Some I have already done and shall do again :o)

So drum roll please, and in no particular order:

1) Play in a sprinkler
2) lay out amongst the stars on a lawn with a blanket
3) Go camping
4) Snuggle a baby
5) Eat ice cream at several locally own ice cream shops (this will be done NUMEROUS times)
6) Eat summer fruit until my belly hurts
7) Celebrate the marriage of friends
8) take a late night walk
9) Enjoy great conversation over some hooka and a good drink
10) Fill my tummy with homemade strawberry shortcake
11) Participate in a sprint triathlon
12) Go on a missions trip
13) have a late night jam session
14) walk in the grass in bare feet
15) enjoy a picnic
16) blow bubbles
17) give plenty of kisses to kiddos I love and hugs to all my friends I love dearly
18) Read 2 books
19) Go see the new Twilight ;o)
20) Embrace the beauty, mystery, and quirks that are...me

.....more to come

looking for my hopeful heart

2010-03-27T20:14:00.009-07:00

I'll apologize now. This post is going to be a little disjointed. I don't really know why I'm apologizing though, I don't think very many people read this in the first place.
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I sat tonight on the phone with my mama. And as I sat there, and I listened, and I talked, and I cried, and my heart began to ache. My heart does that....it aches over things.

I think that's part of God bestowing upon me the gift of mercy. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I really hate that my heart aches so much that it feels like it's just going to come apart at the seams like a tattered flag. That has been through so many storms, and been beaten on by the sun, and the wind and the waves so much that it can no longer continue to be....its just going to disintegrate. Yeah, sometimes it feels like my heart is coming apart at the seams.

Abba, what?! What is it that you want? What do you want for my life? What do you want in the life of those that I know that are broken, hurting, and desperate for understanding?

Tonight I sat on the phone and I felt two very distinct, but very separate and different things - a sense of hope and a sense of despair.

Let me further explain:

I desperately ache of certain people in my life that are facing hardships that I can neither explain or understand why they are going through what they are going through. I. Don't. Get. It. My feeble heart can't wrap itself around what God is doing, what He wants, or even what to say to them. So.I pray. I pray, Even when I'm crying and screaming and aching for them - I am praying. Praying for understanding. Praying for an understanding of what God's will is. Praying that God, in the midst of the very dark storm and this very dark season of life, is protecting them from allowing satan to plant the seed of bitterness and despair in their hearts. I pray that God would be gracious, and will give them a taste of hope, that He will soften their hearts and in turn reveal what His will is for them - because none of us understand.

And then the line from this song
: "Break down our pride and all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires, we lay at Your feet". And then this is the chorus that follows:
Let hope rise and darkness tremble
In Your holy light, that every eye will see
Jesus our God, great and mighty to be praised

It's so humbling to me as I listen to this song the idea: to truly lay down what I desire and ask God to give me the strength to pick up His desires and that in the midst of my anguish, of even their anguish, to sing "let hope arise and darkness tremble...that Jesus our God, great and might to be praised".

That is such a tough pill to swallow. It's the pill. It's the blue pill.

I say that because I feel as though God has brought me to a place of wholeness. And in that wholeness He has brought a sense of peace. A peace and contentment that I cannot describe in pretty and perfect words wrapped up in bows, only to merely say that I feel that I can on my worst day look up into heaven and say "Abba, I do not like what You are allowing to happen, in fact, I don't really like You, and in reality I am so angry because I can't fathom what You're doing, but I choose You. I choose You. Even if my life shall be met with disappointment and heartache (which it will, let's be honest), I will choose You.

Let's think about this: Not only has God chosen us, but we must in turn....choose Him. And to choose Him is the blue pill.

To sing his praises with a tear stained face, and a heart full of doubt and misunderstanding

For those that know me really well, they know that this statement is not an easy one for me- the idea of choosing God, even on my hardest day, because 6 months ago....I didn't choose Him. It's not that I couldn't, it's that I wouldn't.

So as sat there on the phone I stared at this picture on my wall:

It's as if the dawn so desperately wants to break through and seep through the cracks of our broken hearts. Embarking on the horizon of a better day still to come. Embarking on a dawn of hope.

So even in the midst of my tears, my despair, I hold fast to the hope that God is bigger. That God not only weeps over me and over them, but with them. I hold fast to the idea that God is weeping with us like He did with Mary when Lazarus died. He wept not because He was unaware that He would raise Lazurus from the dead, but because those he loved were hurting, because His heart ached with theirs. God knows what He's doing and so tonight I pray:

Abba, make it evident to us that you are weeping with us. May the dawn of a new day bring hope. And give us the strength, the mercy, the grace, and the courage to choose You. Give us beauty for ashes, garments of praise for our heaviness. May the tears we've sown in pain, reap our joy again. amen.

(I hold fast to hope of a God who is big enough to create this):

You're beautiful Alice. God knit you together perfectly, all 8 lbs 12 oz of you. Welcome to the world. I love you and I've been waiting a long time to meet you, and it was worth every minute. Love, Your K-Auntie (Kgroup auntie) Rachel

Learnin' from and keepin' the old and in with the new

2010-03-11T00:53:00.003-07:00

It's nearly 1 a.m. I have to be awake again in 5 1/2 short hours, and yet I don't want to lay my head on my pillow yet.

I have been rather overwhelmed and overcome at the loss and the gain of relationships in my life recently.

I sit back and ponder the beauty of the ugly that speckles our existence through our relationships.

If I could take an actual look at my soul I'd see so many beautiful scars from wounds that have healed over the years. I'd see the finger prints of those I have boldly, and not so boldly let into my heart to come and make their mark of their existence in my life. I can see the track marks of those I have loved and whom I've allowed to love me......God, it's so beautiful.

I think so often we push out the old relationships to bring in the new, when it's so unnecessary. don't get me wrong, I think there are only so many people that should truly know the depth of your heart and soul...that's something that isn't meant to be given away easily. But we seem to think that there is only so much room to love so many people. <------------false.

All I want is for my heart to grow bigger, so it can love bigger, and know more love.

I've lost a key friendship in my life recently, and I won't lie. That sucks. It sucks bad. But I have hope and faith that with a dose of space, a dab of healing, a dash of forgiveness, a bit of grace and baked for some time......a beautiful friendship may come around again.

I feel like my heart has opened again. I had closed it off for so long. But there is SO much more in life meant to be lived.

I had a good talk with a friend last night about how "there's got to be something more". We get to feeling so suffocated by where we are in life. We begin to feel like "this is it...." But is it?! It this really it?!

No way!....no....way. I mean who says we have to give up on the passions God has instilled in our souls? What is it about time, age, and life situations that chain us to "reality". Where and when did God say....stop dreaming, this is all you get?! I mean don't get me wrong, life gets in the way, but what if in the midst of our reality we made our really big dreams come true? We never know the possibilities if we don't test our limits and our current situations.

What if we just chose to live big? What if we chose to wake up truly alive, get ready and boldly face the day, to live the "everyday" with greatness and reaching for the dreams and beautifully horrifying things that everyone says "that time has passed", to spend my time with those I love with passion and fervor, to live my everyday as though it was the last great day?

Wouldn't it be great?!?! Man it would be. It would be ideal. And I'll probably walk away after posting this and be bothered because I don't live my life this way....but what if?

What if I tried to? What if everyday I read this:

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day, I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

And in turn, as I grab my keys, pet my pup molly on the head, and walk out my front door and greet the day with an open heart......

I want to drink it up!

2010-03-04T22:05:00.005-07:00

This past week I get glimpses of "it", I smell it, I feel it all around me, I taste in the air, its warmth envelopes me, it's breeze surrounds me, I see it with my feeble brown eyes, and hear it with my sensitive little ears. Its like music. Music you can touch, taste, see, feel, smell, hear. It's beautiful, and it is spring, and its coming!

My life has not only felt cluttered, but actually been cluttered. Cluttered by work, going back to school, the mundane tasks that fill life, by overly committing myself, by the emotional and spiritual battles that rage within my soul. I look around and I see my life whirling around me like someone has thrown a ream of paper into a tornado. and it's....all....so....cluttered.

And then in the midst of winter grey and cold comes this little bird of hope called spring. She just appeared this past week and like I said....it's like music to me. The sun feels warmer, the air smells like life is trying to spring up from earth, it tastes so sweet I want to pour myself a glass and drink it up! I want to envelope myself in its very essence and breath so deep that my lungs burst because they cannot contain the sheer magnitude of the delight of spring.

Maybe it feel so powerful to me because its feel so symbolic. Symbolic of where my head and my heart are at. A heart that has felt such sorrow that tastes bitter and chalky like soot on my tongue. A heart that has tasted that and the seeds sown in my wounds are springing for through the earth like tulips in the spring.

I felt overwhelmed by it today, and the day before that....and the day before that. This past week I took my dog molly to Palmer Park here in the springs, and we ran. We ran until our lungs felt like they'd burst through our chests. We bounded through the trails like gazelles (and nearly took a couple of spills too!). We stop and breathed deep and took in the majesty of the mountain sky line as the sun was setting. And there along the trail as I slowed my pace to a standstill at one point to take it all in.....hopped a little robin. The first one I've seen this spring. I won't lie....I nearly cried....and I....have no....idea....why.

I want to take this life and gather it. Gather it into nice pools of crisp fresh water and then pour myself a glass. I want to offer up a toast "to spring". The "spring" of the soul. May life abound and push through the ashen dirt of souls and sprout something beautiful.

amen.

....love the least

33:3

2010-02-06T01:12:00.002-07:00

I felt for some reason today (for reasons that will make no sense if I try to explain it because my mind runs in rabbit trails all the time, and things correlate that shouldn't correlate and find connections that shouldn't have connections) that I needed to look up in some book of the Bible the verses 33:3 so I went to the 2 books of the Bible that I was certain had 33 chapters and went from there.

Isaiah 33:2-3
"O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress. At the thunder of your voice, the people's flee; when you rise up, the nations scatter."

Psalm 33:1-8a
"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre. Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy. For the word of the Lord is right and true' he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. By the word of the Lord were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth. he gathers the waters of the sea into jars; he puts the deep into storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord...."

Its interesting to me. The Bible is God's word, it's God breathed, it is truth. And yet....sometimes I sit and read this truth, I look it dead in the eye and say...."I don't know if I believe you", or just blatantly say "I don't, I really don't believe you"

I'd had hopes that 2010 would be a much better year than 2009. It still holds the ability to be so, but right now. It does not. Right now it has put such a bitter taste on my tongue and such angst in my heart that sometimes I'm not sure I want to try and stand underneath the weight of it.

I've watched, listened, and stood alongside many in the 36 days of 2010 who have and are deeply grieving, aching, and trying to withstand what this world is handing to them by bucket load. And my heart weeps.

And then, God reminds me at 1:20 a.m. as I'm getting in to bed, that I need to look up some random verse...."go on" He said, open it up.

And the TRUTH tells me.....:

That we should continue to ask God to be gracious to us
That God is our strength EVERY morning and our salvation in times of distress.

Salvation- That's a term that I didn't fully understand in this terms of this text. so I looked up the different meanings of it (thank you Dictionary on the iPhone)<-----shameless plug, sorry.

Anyways, I have always thought of salvation as the act that saves me from sin, from evil. BUT it can also mean "saving someone or something from harm or from an unpleasant situation". BINGO! that's the term of salvation I needed to hear.

So what is it Abba? What do we need to ask for you to be our salvation as I even type these words, today, right here, right now. Because I look around Abba, and I see distress........

The other truth told to me tonight:
that the earth is FULL of his unfailing love
and that I should sing to him a NEW song.

Abba, what is it that we are missing? Because the song is missing from our souls. Through the fog we fail to see the unfailing love that the world is FULL of.

In the dark night we find ourselves in Abba.....what song shall we sing?

Abba, I pray that tonight though, that YOU would be our salvation in our distress, that YOU would be gracious to us. Help us to see, to taste, to touch, to hear, to feel, to know, to believe, that your UNFAILING love is all around us, and in that Abba, even in the dark, may we sing a NEW song.

Give us our song....for we ache to hear the melody in the chorus of your presence.

My mama is awesome

2010-01-28T13:27:00.002-07:00

My mama recently did a semi-surprise sewing project for one of my nearest and dearest friends, Mel.

Check out her work, my friend Mel blogged about it.

It makes me smile. I'm so proud that she's my mama.

http://benjaminandmelissa.blogspot.com/2010/01/repurposing-wedding-dress.html

Sometimes its just better if you have nothing to say....

2010-01-25T21:04:00.002-07:00

For a week now I have been dreading that tomorrow would come. Not just any tomorrow, but tomorrow in particular. Tuesday January 26, 2010. But I've only been dreading this day for a week, I don't usually go about fearing for days to come.

But tomorrow, Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 10 a.m. I will be attending a funeral. A funeral for an 18 month old little girl. Tomorrow her parents will see her for the last time and lay your tiny body in the ground. Even typing those words sends an ache through my being. I can't even imagine this type of ache as my own.

Grief is such a paradox. We yearn for people to understand how we feel, and yet, its infuriating and it stings when someone tries to give a comparison. They turn the situation on to themselves, because it's more comfortable, its easier. It is the consistency in human nature that we feel the need to say to someone who is grieving "I understand what you're going through". Do you? Do you really? Can you fully taste the bitterness of what that my grief tastes like?!

Why are we incapable of just sitting, of embracing the silence, of embracing the ache. Why can't we just wrap our arms around someone and say, "I'm so sorry, there are no words...but I'm sorry."

Why do we feel the need to give stories that have no good comparison? Why do we feel the need to fill the silence? To muddle the ache with frivolous words and insensitive phrases.

My pastor said it perfectly that we "over estimate our words, and underestimate our presence."

when we grieve, when our souls ache the most, when we feel the most broken, all we really want is someone to embrace us, to hold us close. To let us scream, and cry, and beat our fists into the ground, and to say nothing, except....I'm sorry.

So tomorrow I pray that I will have the grace to do just that. To let Shelby's parents grieve how they need to, and that I will have less words to say and more presence to give.

So if you happen to read this, please pray for her parents. Their ache I cannot fathom, no parent should have to bury their child.

May God be gracious to us....and make His ways known. And for that which we cannot know, may we be at peace to let it be.

God is bigger than......

2010-01-20T22:02:00.003-07:00

No, I'm not quoting cheesy lyrics to a worship song.

I'm trying to remind myself that God is actually big than _______________

Here is where I fill in the following:
- the death today of an 18 month old little girl I know and have been working with
and
- Stage 4 liver cancer in a 2 year old boy I work with
and
- a missing husband and father of 2 adopted boys I know
and
- the cancer invading the body of a 2 1/2 year old little girl
and
- Earthquakes wrecking havoc over a 3rd world country leaving millions who had nothing to start with, with even less
and
and....
and......
and.......

God....Abba....what is going on?

You're bigger than ALL of this, but right now, in my finite world.....You seem so small with me.

I mean no irreverence, honest. But what Abba is going on?

You can calm the storms of raging seas, you can move mountains, I've seen you remove cancer from someone's body, I've witnessed you saving a soul, you breath life into every living being, you conquered your own death......

It's all so fragile. All of it. Every moment. When I wake up and leave my house and get in my car. God, you could snatch the life right from my lungs.

God, you're bigger than this. You're bigger than me, bigger than cancer, bigger than earthquakes, you're bigger than life, you're bigger than.....death. I just wish I could feel and believe that right now.

Abba....I do believe....help my unbelief.

Tonight I will choose to be grateful for life. I choose to be grateful that rescue workers are still looking for David amongst the ruins of Hotel Montana because there are still signs of life.

Abba tonight I pray that you will perform a miracle and save David. I pray you will remove the cancer from Hezekiah and Eleanor's body.

And tonight I pray Abba that you would break my heart for what breaks yours, and stir me on towards passions of You. My hands are feeble and frail, but with You, they can do much.

.....love the least

Resurrection

2010-01-07T22:04:00.002-07:00

I've been listening to a particular song on repeat lately simply for one line and is used at the climax of the song, and its so powerful that it's literally brought me to my knees at one point.

"...You have a way of turning winter to spring....make something beautiful of all this suffering....."

I want to first say that there are many suffering far greater than I am, but I will admit, its hard not to get stuck in your own stuff.

I become overwhelmed, overcome, and my human weaknesses and satan take hold of what little faith my body possesses and I break. I begin to make a list, a tally sheet of sorts in my mind, of all the ways I feel like God is smiting me. And then I just begin to feel like....well just get it over with God! I may not be Job, and I'm not sitting in ashes scraping sores with broken pottery, but by golly....I've had ENOUGH! ENOUGH ALREADY!! Enough....please.

And then....God reminds me that He has the capability of turning winter to spring. Of making some beautiful....out of all this suffering....

Again, I know there are many suffering greater hurts than my own, I'm not trivializing them....I recognize this, in fact quite often, and I'm not kidding, I get angry and God for you, because you're suffering. But in the midst of each of us we reach this dark place at times. And maybe its just me. But it's the chasm that lies within my chest. the place where i let my faith fail, logic has no hold, and life loses hope.

What an ugly place to lay. What desperate place to lay your head on your pillow at night.

Winter is different for everyone. The time, the depth, the cold, the desperation, the darkness. It varies for each person. I hope to be able to blog sooner rather than later from this point about being in my "spring". To look back and say....God can, God does, God will..... Now if I could just convince and say those things right NOW. I'm sure that's what God is looking for, but i think I'm just too stubborn to say it...then again, maybe this has gone on long enough and I AM ready....maybe.

Because whatever "this" is that clinging itself on the edges of abyss in my chest....needs to flee from my being.

I read a passage once by Henri Nouwen about "working around the abyss".....so work around it I shall. The abyss is my woundedness, and working around it, is God soothing the ache and healing the soul. Cause this chasm isn't supposed to be there - God said so. He came so that I, you, me, all of us may have life, and have it to the full....to fill the abyss, the chasm. Now....if I would just LET him.

So today although the chasm is there. I will be grateful for the following:

1) An amazing family, sometimes when I think about them, my eyes start welling up with tears....yeah. its true

2) Amazing friends, who are family to me.

3) A semi-warm house and bed to sleep in (semi because we keep it between 55-60 degrees due to the gas bill hahaha)

.....love the least

Why going to a community college ....is ridiculous

2010-01-05T22:16:00.002-07:00

(Just a forwarning...this blog is said in jest, I'm laughing just thinking about all of the following)

I have discovered several reasons why I hate going to a community college, in particular Pueblo Community College. they are listed below:

1) Your website blows! When I ...an already college graduate, can't even find the Spring 2010 class schedule....there is something wrong.

2) The fact that in the fall when I tried to register....your system sucks so bad that I had to actually drive a total of 2.5 hours to actually MEET with someone so THEY could register me. your "high tech" system of registration wouldn't let me do it like a big girl. We're in the 21st century....time to update!!!

3) Its amusing when the professors forget that they are neither a Harvard graduate nor are they teaching at Harvard....bring down the intensity a few notches.

4) The level of "quality equipment" is lacking..... especially when it's being held together by duct tape or looks like its circa 1970 something.....

5) The lack of committed college students is lacking and you can clearly point out the ones that "don't care" and are there on MY dime...through the taxes I pay and they don't....ick.

I think that's it for today....all done.

Bring in the new....

2010-01-01T23:11:00.002-07:00

A...friggin'....men.

2009 is dead and gone in my book, and thank ya Jesus for that.

Needless to say, I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that I didn't enjoy 2009 and I have been ready for it to be over for quite some time now.

2009 decided to hold a lot of heartaches and hurdles and all the things in life that just make your soul ache....

With that said, I'd rather this not be a COMPLETELY depressing blog, especially since I haven't blogged in ages.

So here are some highlights from my year:

1) Friends....I love my friends, especially the girls in my kgroup. They are my family here in Colorado. They have loved and supported me, even when I've been at my ugliest....thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

2) Starting school again....this has been exciting for me because I love to learn, but it has made my life extremely full, and mostly stressful. 14 credits + working 40+ hours a week + too many other social commitments= a very stressed Rachel. But I do enjoy learning again. I've missed it, and it's brought along some fun friends in my program.

3) I already mentioned friends, but I need to make particular note of one set, because I met them in 2009. a little over 2 months in to 2009 brought along Mel & Ben. They joined our small group in February and haven't been able to stay away since :o). For these two, especially for my friendship with Mel I am very grateful. She's been a very unexpected blessing in my life. Thanks Mel....you're truly great. You and Ben will be incredible parents... you really will. I can't wait to meet Alice!

4) In these uncertain times, I am very grateful that I have a job that not only pays my bills, but that I enjoy.

-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm ready to move on past the ache of 2009.

I've recently begun a process of healing over things in my life and in my past that I was pretty sure I'd already healed from, and if I hadn't, then I'd managed to bury it deep enough that I could try to forget it.

But like most wounds that don't heal properly (or at all)....they make us sick. The infect us from the inside out....and I discovered that my insides were so sick that it was showing on the outside - and lordy be it was oogly.

I'm finally ready to start healing, and to stop living my life out of woundedness. In this process a lot has already begun to change, and that....can really suck. It's human nature to hate change, especially when it comes to relationships. But I'm having to close the door to things so one day....I can be whole. Something I can say I don't think I have ever been.

So I hope and pray for each of you that read this blog, and even those that don't, that 2010 will bring hope, blessings, and joy. That each of you may find healing from your wounds instead of burying them deep in your soul.

I'm ready to start believing that God can and will do and be who He says He is. So here's the 2010. May it be a year of great changes (no matter how difficult they may be), and may you taste the goodness of a great God.

2009-07-29T22:43:00.004-07:00

This song made me weep tonight.... I love it. I can't wait for them to release it on an album.

I was able to see them to perform this live a few months back...incredibly moving

Lyrics:
Turn Down the Music
If were hungry would we give you food
If you were thirsty would we give you drink
And if you were a stranger, would we let you in?
What would be the song the sing we’d sing to you, but never mean?
Would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?

Turn down the music
Turn down the noise
Turn up Your voice oh God
And let us hear a sound
A people broken, willing to love
Give us Your heart oh God
A new song rising up….

And if you were naked, would we give you clothes
And if you were an orphan, would we give our home
And if you were in prison, would we visit you?
What would be the song the sing we’d sing to you, but never mean?
Would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?

Turn down the music
Turn down the noise
Turn up Your voice oh God
And let us hear a sound
A people broken, willing to love
Give us Your heart oh God
A new song rising up….

Bridge:
Let it be our worship
Let it be our true religion
In this world, but not of it
Holding onto our confession

Despite some aches that I am going through right now, this song puts things into a better perspective for me. That in itself makes me want to cry.

I guess I wonder what I'm really doing to "turn down the music". What "would be (is) the song I'd sing to you, but never mean, would it be an empty hallelujah to the King?"

There has been more going on in my brain and my emotions than I care to go into, especially on a blog, however I will say this. I have a tendency to turn up the music in a figurative and literal sense. Silence in deafening to me. I don't wan to think so I don't sit, I don't bask in silence, in fact I flee from it. Therefore, I not only miss out on what God is trying to work on in me, but also I miss out on how I am supposed to be truly living out the 2 things God asks of me: Love God, love others.....

I'm life feels so trivial, there's so much bigger than me and what crap I feel like I'm in and dealing with.....it's not right.

This blog is just a jumble of words, but I have a lot going on in my brain so I'll just end it here

turmoil

2009-07-16T23:18:00.002-07:00

.....I was hoping to do a better job keeping up with my journal, but life has been really chaotic for me between work and just being friggin' busy most nights of the week.

I hate it because it's 12:19 a.m. and I can't sleep. My soul is twisted in endless knots, therefore, my stomach is too. There has been a lot of turmoil in the relationships in my life recently and it bothers me to my core.

I admit that I have the ability to be confrontational, to address tough issues with people that you can tend to want to avoid. But I'm confrontational at times because my deepest desire is for peace. I don't like dissension, I don't like people arguing, it tears up my soul to have relational tension....I hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm passionate about my family and my friends and when those two worlds have turmoil and the waters get stirred up creating a storm of anger and hurt, frustration, and sadness....it creates turbulence in my life. It's consumes me, every facet, because I care deeply about those that matter to me....so much so that it keeps me up at night. The issues consume my thoughts, rob me of my joy, and make my soul ache. it's all I can think about, because all I want is for it all to be right, and I ache to make it right.

.....I can't seem to make it right lately. I can't seem to make it all work out and fall into place and make it work. Which is why I'm sitting here awake in the middle of the night. The relationships in my life aren't right, therefore nothing within me or around me feels right......it aches and I hate it.

Picture of the Day #17 & #18

2009-06-29T15:00:00.002-07:00

Katie and I's gutters on our garage are growing foliage....we think its funny.

#18 Aren't they cute! Supposedly they didn't know they dressed alike. Adam and Kris you're going to be missed when you move to Ukraine. I don't like it, but I'm excited for what God has in store for you!

Picture of the Day #'s 4-16

2009-06-22T22:13:00.021-07:00

Ok so I haven't been downloading pics as often as I should but here they are (cue drum roll):

#4 This is a picture from my birthday/birthday party, I don't care that it's out of order, I love these girls

#5 This is where I live..... I love this neighborhood, I love these fences...I love this life

#6a This is my dash torn out (by yours truly) to install my iPod Car Connector to free my life/my car of CD clutter...a....men. So before:

#6b After.....:

#7 I have a tendency to do very random things (at my own expense) for a good laugh (for other's and myself). Hence why I chose to let Melissa draw a smiley face on my tongue...with a permanent marker - it burned off my taste buds for a few days...no lie.

#8 "Somewhere over the rainbow...."

#9 Katie and I doggysat for Jack and Sadie....sheer madness

#10 Concert in the Park at America The Beautiful Park in Downtown CS

#11 Please note the little boy wearing nothing but his whitey tighties and cowboy boots on the top of the picture (mind you we were in the middle of a very crowded park).....good golly this was hilarious to me

#12 My pops planted these for my...they are doing great Pop! Thanks again!!!

#13 Rockies game ....Love that field. Good friends, good game, good time

#14 This hat is growing on me, I was really hating myself in it at first. I'm learning to love it

#15 Celebrating Sarah's birth. I love this girl. I'm blessed to call her my friend.

#16 Welcome to my hell. I spent 10 minutes staring at this huge beast in my room (The size/span of it was bigger than a silver dollar); breaking out into a cold sweat and nearly hyper ventilating trying to figure out how to kill since Katie wasn't here to rescue me from it. From a girl with a very big fear of spiders, this is my personal hell. Even after I killed it I almost slept in my car. It was 3 days ago and I'm still debating about that. I killed it from a distance with a Swiffer Sweeper.

Birthday Thanks and 27th Year of Life Photo of the Day #3

2009-06-08T20:27:00.004-07:00

I realized that I haven't fully shown my appreciation towards everyone that made my birthday great.

My roommate and bestie Katie and my wonderful friend Carey helped me put on a fan-friggin-tastic birthday party. They set up a scavenger hunt around downtown Colorado Springs for those that wanted to join before dinner....it was rad!!!!

I had a blast and everyone else did too!

Thank you to EVERYONE that joined me for my birthday to celebrate, for those that called, sent text messages, and wall posts on facebook to wish me a Happy Birthday. I felt extremely loved - y'all are amazing! Thank you thank you thank you!

I'm looking forward to making my 27th year of life great. Go big or Go home right?!?!

So here's the 27 years of living and on to 28!!!!! What God has in store I have no idea, but I'm praying for God to shape me into something closer to His image.

___________________________________________
Pic#3

My pup is friggin' cute, especially when she cocks her head like this:

27th Year of Life Picture of the Day Pics #1 & #2

2009-06-07T22:04:00.005-07:00

#1

This is our scavenger hunt team for my birthday! Kevin, Adam, and I. One of the clues was at BJ's Velvet Freeze...LOVE that place

#2

These are the Toms I got from Katie for my birthday. I loooove them. Thanks Katie!

27 things to do before I turn 28

2009-06-07T21:20:00.013-07:00

I turned 27 yesterday and I have been contemplating for a bit about how to make this 365 days of my life between 27 and 28 different. So I said to Katie the other day....maybe I'll find 27 things to do in my 27th year of life that have to be accomplished before I turn 28. Some of them will be tough, others just things I want to do.

So I'll begin the list today, and although i don't have 27 things yet, I'll be revisiting this list over the next couple weeks and adding to it until I find 27 things. so with that said here it goes:

1.) Complete list of "27 things to do before I turn 28 on June 6, 2010"
2.) Read the Bible 1/2 way through (no I'm not trying to be extra spiritual, I am needing more spiritual discipline in my life and this is an attempt)
3.) Be able to jog a 5k
4.) Be able to jog a 10k
5.) Go Skiing this winter
6.) Take at least "photo of the week" (52 total or more)
7.) Hike the incline 3 times
8.) Go to Maroon Bells to see the fall colors
9.) Weekend road trip to destination TBD still
10.) Read 5 non fiction books
11.) Spend 2 months straight not listening to the radio in my car
12.) Plant a garden
13.) Commit more time, energy, and effort to letting my family and friends know how much I love and appreciate them and why I do.
14.) Hike a 14er
15.) Visit 5 Breweries in Colorado (I know that's not many considering how many are here, and one of them has to be the New Belgium Brewery)
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)

16.) Visit and eat at 7 local non chain restaurants (gotta support the locals)
1.) Leon Gessi's
2.) The Drive In
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)

17.) Complete (Jog/Walk) Jack Quinns 10x's to get a free t-shirt!!! before the end of summer '09
1.) Date unknown
2.) Date unknown
3.) date unknown
4.) 7/14/09
5.) 7/21/09
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)
18.) Camping Trip with friends (hopefully to Ouray)
19.) Visit the Duffy Roll Cafe in Denver at least 4x's - the best cinnamon rolls I've ever put in my mouth and eaten....the best
20.) Begin purging from my life the "stuff" I keep but don't need
21.) Bike to The Air Force Academy from my house 4 times or more
1.) 6/27/09 with Katie
2.)
3.)
4.)
22.) Commit to more random (and often unnoticed) acts of kindness.
23.) Pay off a huge chunk of my debt
24.) Visit the Cheyenne Zoo and ride the sky ride (I haven't been since they added all the cool new stuff)
25.) Conquer Super Paper Mario
26.)
27.)

......that's all I've got so far. Any suggestions?

Holy Jamoses....that's not right!!!!!

2009-05-13T18:54:00.004-07:00

So I've spent nearly 23 years of my life playing the violin, spent quite a bit of time playing sports (soccer, volleyball, basketball, tennis, and various other random sports here and there) - I'm hard on my body and I read a sign recently said that "most people take better care of their automobile than they do their body, yet the automobile has replaceable parts...." Interesting.

I've been a back and neck cracker for years, I'm just uncomfortable and it makes it feel better, so that's why. I also have a tendency to hold in my sneezes, because I work with children ALL day long, and if I sneeze on one of them....well let's just say parents don't appreciate your snot and spit going all over their child (I wouldn't either) so I've become accustomed to holding them in and sneezing into the inside of my elbow.

Well Friday Morning I wake up and as usual I'm sneezing and my allergies are going nuts, and I felt a BIG sneeze coming on and so I did my usual, I held it in....then POP! I feel something snap in my neck....uh-oh. Sneeze + holding it in + feeling a pop in your neck = not good.

I instantly felt like my neck was stiff and I felt this sharp pain going down the right side of my neck, but I'm accustomed to my body hurting/aching and not doing much about it - we all have stuff....let's move on shall we??!?! Well 9, then 10, then 11 am, and 12 and the hours are passing and my neck is hurting more and more and I'm feeling more and more tense and more and more off kilter. I mean I can literally feel my body tensing and becoming off kilter and screaming "something isn't right, you doofus, go see a doctor".

So after 6 hours of pain and it becoming excruciating I head for a chiropractor, all the while feeling terrible because this is the first day of my parents visit here in the Springs.

So long story short about finding a chiropractor, I managed to stumble upon one because my pops says "I think I saw one this way on our walk this morning" so "this way" I head and booyah!! I find one. Walk in and end up being there for 3 hours! Holy smokes! I find out the following, I have torticollis, and my sneeze was the final straw and my body wasn't going to take anymore. my body had completely shifted, my left shoulder was now in a resting state 3-4 inches (not lying) above my right shoulder, my head had literally shifted off the axis of my neck and so my head was shifted right (I mean seriously it was off center from my body), and the vertebrae in my neck had all curved to the left.....no....good. the following is my x-ray. I wanted to share cause I thought it was so crazy!

That line down the center is actually what my spine is supposed to be in line with!! How nuts is that? That was a shot of my standing straight up, it was the only way I was comfortable....kuh-razy.

so after 5 visits I'm starting to feel better...this is going to be a long road...ugh.

I'm a firm believer in the power of Chiropractics though...no lie.

...This is not my life

2009-05-13T18:39:00.003-07:00

So let's set the stage shall we?

It's Thursday evening, roughly 10:25 p.m. My dog, Molly and I have been driving for almost 2 hours from Colorado Springs to the Denver International Airport (which is NOT in Denver...that's a blog for another post), it doesn't take 2 hours, but I'll get to that point. My parents were supposed to get into DIA at 9:55 p.m. it's not 10:25 and I missed the "cell phone" lot that's like 10 miles from the airport, so I just keep circling the airport in hopes that their flight will actually land and I can stop wasting my gas and from the look of Molly panting and standing from the back seat onto my middle arm rest....she's getting slightly restless, and yes my fear....nauseous from all the turning and circling and turning and circling and turning and circling.

So I have moments where I can get Molly to sit down in the back seat for a few (few being the key word here). So then we're on the outskirts of the circling the aiport and all of a sudden molly is standing from the back seat onto my middle console/armrest, I don't think much of it, and quite honestly I'm tired of trying to get her to sit back down.

All of a sudden, what do I see from the corner of my eye......Molly is dry heaving, her head bobbing back and forth as though she were convulsing. So what do I think to do?!?!?!: I say "don't you do it MOLLY!! DON'T YOU DO IT!" and I proceed to try and hold her mouth closed so her vomit cannot enter my car in any way shape or form, and finally I think "that's cruel" so......

I let her vomit her not nearly processed dog food into the palm of my hand. SICK!!!!

All I can think is: "This is not my life" I immediately called Katie and then Melissa to give them just a brief, yet poignant glimpse into my life....

SICK!!!!!!!!

I then proceeded to chuck the fresh yet rather solid doggy vomit out of my car window, almost striking another vehicle unbeknownst to me. Then I wiped off my hand, and followed that up bathing my entire arms and hands in anti bacterial solution....

barf...sick!

late night thoughts from a restless heart

2009-05-04T23:05:00.002-07:00

I can't sleep again, tonight I know why.

I am restless and my heart breaks for a little boy too young to understand that his world is collapsing.

For privacy sake I'm just going to call him "G". G is not even 2 years of age. I get to see him every week and be greeted with his adorable whole hearted, charming smile; dimples and all. G has been cared for for months by one of the most amazing foster families I've ever met, G belongs with them, he loves his foster family, they are stable, and nurturing, and they love him...they truly love him, and they have been going through the process to adopt him. He even looks like the family, you'd never know he wasn't their own flesh and blood. I've gotten to see G, move from one good foster home to the this one - and I knew in my heart he belonged with them, I can distinctly remember thinking to myself "this is, his true home, this is his family, this is where he belongs".

G sees his birth mother 1x a week since he was taken over 9 months ago. A teenage mother who can make time to have a boyfriend and do everything she wants to do, except get a job and take care of her amazing little boy. He doesn't even feel comfortable enough around her to seek comfort in her arms when he gets hurt and she's around....she's not his mommy. She simply his mother.

I get to watch and listen to G each week as he seeks the arms and affection of his foster mom, tenderly calling her "ma" because he doesn't yet finish any of the words he vocalizes - it's cute. I've never met anyone except those from the midwest (myself included) that ever called their mom, "ma".

I have watched G over the last 5 months grow from a scared, timid, unsure, silent, unable to walk baby boy - to a confident, bright eyed, affection seeking, laughing little toddler. He is precious, and his smile melts your heart.

And today, my heart breaks for G. He's being taken away from his foster to adopt family....

Simply because his case worker is too lazy to care about what's best for him. Ever since I met her 5 months ago, I knew she didn't care about him, or for that matter any of the kids she works with....she's a tired bitter woman that either was burnt out before she ever got into this job, or has been burned so much that she is now. And in my heart of hearts I say - get out. Get out if your heart isn't in it. You're in a job that requires that you care, that you give, and that your convenience and what you want isn't the most important thing.

She's just wants to close his case and get G's birth mother off of her caseload (I'm paraphrasing from a court hearing). They want to take G from his amazing foster to adopt family and place him with a Step Grandfather he's never even met....

These are the times that I am absolutely enraged by the system that was setup initially to help these kids, these innocent children...these babies. Instead its full of under payed, over worked, burnt out, hardened. Now I will say this: I know that not ever case worker is like this, there are some AMAZING women and men that work in the system who work tirelessly at a thankless job, and so I take this moment, to thank you for all you do. but this woman, this woman who is supposed to be advocating for G - I'd have some choice words for her if I ever met her.

So tonight, i pray for G. I pray for a miracle for a little boy who has finally been found by his family, a family that loves, and adores, and gives him boundaries and stability, and is at the end of this month going to have his world shattered and he won't even understand why. All he'll know is that the family that loved him is all of a sudden not there, and all he'll feel is that once again "someone must not have wanted me".....

G I'm sorry. I'm sorry that our system has failed you, that your birth mother failed you, and that we live in a broken world that has hurt you.

Tonight....my heart breaks for G and I cry tears of ache for this little boy, and I'm praying for a miracle. God...I'm asking for a miracle.....

-love the least

Daniel's Fast Day 9

2009-04-28T22:10:00.002-07:00

You know I'm coming to a close on day 9 of this fast and i'm still waiting for some grand ephiphanies from God, but I have yet to be struck by lighting, see writing on the wall, to part any seas, or hear God in that "whisper of the wind". All in due time I suppose, I can say that I am feeling closer to His heart that I have in a long time and that is comforting. (Especially when I want to pick up the phone and order the biggest pizza known to man from Borriello Bros or to just shove a brick of cheese and piece of meat in my mouth) (Insert daydream of eating a fantastic meal here__________________)

I have been thinking to myself a lot "i'm going to eat this, or make this, or have this when I'm done with this fast". I have realized how much I LOVE cooking and baking since I haven't done or really been able to do much of it since starting this thing

I have learned how much eating is a social experience for me. Its hard to not be able to say "hey let's get coffee" or "want to go get ice cream". Even trying to find a place to eat with friends has been difficult and to tell you the truth its been robbing me of the joy of eating with others. I mean I am used to watching people eat delicious foods that I'm choosing not to eat right now, but it's awkward when it makes people feel as though they shouldn't eat in front of me. And that makes me sad, I don't enjoy making others feel that way.

So my goal, for the next 11 days is to try and make this as painless as possible for others. And I'm still waiting for that bolt of lightening to strike me to give me some wisdom on some things.

for now I'll just dream of eating a big fatty mc-fat-fat piece of pizza...

I have had some funny dreams about food lately.

-love the least

Photos from the past

2009-04-27T16:23:00.005-07:00

So my mama sent me some pictures from my past, so I thought I'd share

I make a pretty schnazzy Minnie Mouse

I like being a helper, and apparently cucumbers the length of my body were needed...A-SAP! I was actually helping my Papa (grandpa) in his garden

And my uncle used to own a pig farm and we used to ride them, well, try to ride them

Slipper #2

2009-04-27T11:40:00.002-07:00

Aaaaannnnnd this is slipper número dos that she got a hold of just yesterday. Sad, and yet funny. I'd say it was more my fault, but she was the one that jumped over the baby gate. Soooo I'd say it's time to get a second baby gate. What a stinker.

Slipper #1

2009-04-27T11:36:00.002-07:00

Here is slipper número uno that molly got a hold of. Shame.

Daniel's Fast Day 5

2009-04-24T22:43:00.003-07:00

I am 15 minutes away from finishing Day 5 of my Daniel's Fast experience, and let me tell youuuuuuu - it was a tough one!

I was awakened this morning by my lovely puppy Molly at (note it) 4:30 IN THE MORNING!!!

So Molly at this point is usually just like, take me out of here I want out I don't have to pee, just let me out. So it's Friday and I think to myself, ugh I'm not even going to bother waking up to go let her outside when she's going to stand out there 15 minutes and not pee.

so i brought her into my room and the moment I lay down I think to myself....I smell something....OH MY GOSH I'M GOING TO KILL HER! I smell Molly pee! So not only did she pee right next to my bed, she peed on the ONLY article of clothing on my floor!!! and she had so much in her tiny little bladder it could have filled a Nalgene I'm sure of it! Cause it took a lot of paper towel and cleaner to clean that crap up! So at this point I'm pissed, my dog has received a wack or two and I resolve myself (after she has whined for being put back in her crate) that's she's going to go have a visit outside and she's going to stay there until I get up to get ready in the morning and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

So needless to say, my endurance, grace, and patience had run plum out on this fine Friday. So my day didn't start off onto the best foot, I end up being late to my first appointment, felt like I had no idea what the hizzy I was doing working with kids in the first place, and....I'm friggin' starving!!!! I want EVERYTHING I am choosing (we had a talk in KGroup last night about not saying I "have" to do something, but rather we "choose" to do them), so on to what I was saying... I want to shove EVERY food I'm choosing not to eat for 21 days. Perhaps a big piece of chicken, and cheese, on a huge piece of white bread, a Dr. Pepper, and to top it off with a cookies and cream milkshake and a bag of sour gummy worms.

Good golly - I sound like a friggin' fatty!!! I mean Moses smell the Roses, calm down Rachel!

So it was a tough day. I tried to spend time praying, but in all honesty, I didn't do well today. I was in a crotchity modd, I thought more than once "I'm just going to go get a cheeseburger", and then I was reminded as to why I was doing this in the first place: I lack self-discipline and I'm seeking greater intimacy in my relationship with God.

So I didn't cheat, I can't say I was in a better mood, but I tried. I did some much necessary cleaning around my house, made some dinner, watched a movie, folded some laundry and called it a day.

Have I had any huge spiritual revelations or "shazam!" moments yet? Not really. But then again, I'm stubborn...really stubborn, which means I probably won't have a break through until day 20 of this 21 day fast.

So tonight before I fall asleep i will pray that God will soften my heart, that I won't be so stubborn, and that God will help me to wake up tomorrow and Live well.

That's what I want the most, for God to look at me and tell me "you lived well"

-Love the Least

Daniel's Fast Day 1

2009-04-20T21:27:00.002-07:00

I have begun a fast called the Daniel's Fast. My brother and sister informed me of it. It is basically a vegan diet: no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no sweeteners (sugar) nothing but fruits, veggies, whole grains, spices, certain oils, and good 'ol H2O. No for those of you that are not aware....I LOVE SUGAR! I mean there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have it in some way shape or form...which is probably why I am the "shape" I am (round).

I decided to embark on this fast for a few reasons:

1.) I missing a huge piece in my relationship with God: time, intimacy, trust, faith, lack of awe, a number of things we'll just leave it at that.

2.) I lack self discipline. True success in life require self discipline. Whether that be in relationships, work, hobbies, exercise, finances - in anything for it to be successful you have to be self disciplined, and I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say I am lack such a thing and I would like to become a better person and start changing that.

3.) I stupidly mentioned the idea to Mel and she said "ok let's do it"....I'm an idiot (just kidding Mel), and I'm not one to back down from a challenge

I have determined several things upon the first day of this fast let's go over them shall we?!?!

1.) The self discipline I stated earlier that I lacked, well nothings changed, several times today I wanted to cheat

2.) ALWAYS go grocery shopping before something like this endeavor - I had to survive the day on Peanut Butter and all natural fruit ropes. As Pam (my sister) put it "you've got the fasting part down, now you need to eat" - that made me laugh.

3.) I REALLY love eating chicken, bread, cheese, and sugar (4 things forbidden) and as pathetic as it sounds, I missed being able to eat them today. ITS ONLY DAY 1. I mean, good golly, I should be able to go a day and not think about it, but no!

4.) I don't eat well, especially since I spend the majority of my day in other people's homes and in my car, so I either don't eat during the day barely at all, or I eat food that is just not beneficial to me

5.) regardless of how "little" I ate today, what good things I did put into my body, I managed to still go workout and feel great. usually if I go a day without really eating much and end up eating a little something (usually some crappy food) before I go workout I don't make it through my entire workout. Maybe God is trying to make a point?!??! To which I say: I sometimes really hate it when he does that :o)

So Day 1, DONE. Now time to sleep, if this heart burn would go away that would totally rock my world!

The Incline

2009-04-19T19:58:00.006-07:00

Mel and I decided to conquer The Incline today. Katie was going to join but had prior plans with a friend. So Melissa and I headed on our way. Let's just say Melissa kicked my can, my view consisted of her being a good 100 steps or more ahead of me the entire time. Well played Mel! Needless to say that frustrated the junk out of me, but then...I had to get over it. Here's a few pictures from the adventure, Mel might post more later....

Please note in one, the lovely girl wearing SKIRT to hike 3,000 railroad ties...nice!

It was fun watching Mel "try" to avoid the slush. I felt bad.

2009-04-19T19:38:00.001-07:00

I'm eating pizza one last time before I start the daniels fast for the next 21 days. Help me jesus

How cool!

2009-04-19T11:40:00.002-07:00

So i JUST managed to discover that I could post a blog from my phone using my text messaging!!! How cool! Sorry if I'm a little slow for those that already knew this. but if you didn't....this is such a nifty feature to me. I can also do it from an email instead of necessarily trying to log onto my blog from my iphone. I'm impressed right now...well done blogspot. well done!

Fun times with new friends

2009-04-18T23:15:00.005-07:00

So the past couple of days I've gotten to hangout with M and B and Katie which has been SO fun!

They're new friends I met through, and it's been good times, good times indeed. I wish I'd known them both sooner in my life, they're great, and they bless me.

yesterday we had a fun gathering and M and B's house you can read about it here she did a more than adequate job of detailing the fun had by all.

Tonight M came over, so we enjoyed the new Wii I got from my brother Aaron and sister Pam (SO FUN!!) Katie won (even though she states "I ALWAYS lose at games", yada yada, blah blah, boo hoo cachoo for you Miss Katie you are the 'SUPERSTAR") ;o)

And we watch High School Musical 3 which, what can I say...I laughed, I cried, ...I mostly laughed. It was enthralling, riveting, it had me on the edge of my seat, just wondering "WHAT WILL TROY DO NEXT?!?!?!?!" "Will Troy and Gabriella make it through this?!?!"

By the end I was exhausted from it all.

And we partook in the most amazing milkshakes EVER!!! I'm thinking of selling the idea to Josh and Johns. They were AH-mazing (Vanilla Kahlua, dash of milk, and cookies and cream ice cream) yum-o.

M and I nearly made ourselves sick off them...Katie could have taken or left it, but she wasn't feeling so hot...sorry Katie

Lord Help my unbelief

2009-04-17T21:52:00.003-07:00

The following two songs have been tugging at my heart lately for numerous reasons. So I wanted to share. No need to watch, just read the words and listen. It's good stuff, I promise. I'll explain after you listen why I've been listening to these songs lately.

None But Jesus
In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence I know there I am restored

When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again, I'll choose

There is no one else for me... none but Jesus
Crucified to set me free...now I live to bring You praise

In the chaos, in confusion, I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will

when you call I won't delay
This my song, through all my days

There is no one else for me... none but Jesus
Crucified to set me free...now I live to bring You praise

All my delight is in You, Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You, Lord
Forever More....

In Your Freedom

I search for you, God of Strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and hear my heart

I have nothing more than all you offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

I love you, Lord! You rescued me!
You are all that I want! You're all I need...

I pray to you, God of peace
I rest in You, my cares released
I pray to You, God of peace
I rest in You, my cares released

I have nothing more than all you offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

I love you, Lord! You rescued me!
You are all that I want! You're all I need

In your Freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion! I offer devotion!

---------------------

For those that may not know: I have a gift and a curse of being stubborn. Stubbornness can be used in a positive manner, but I often allow mine to step in between my relationship with God and myself.

My stubbornness leads to an untrusting heart. We all have unbelief (as the Bible puts it so well), but mine really leads to being unwilling to trust in the justness, sovereignty, goodness, and all-knowingness of God. When I feel like I get served a "can of whoop ass" from the world so to speak, I look around and wonder,(as I wipe of my hands and knees from the beating), where the junk was God in that one?!?!?

When in actually, how did I allow myself to be in a circumstance to be served such a "can" as this? Where did I actually falter in which I was unwilling to believe that what God has said of me, for me, and about me that truly matters? When did I choose to not believe in the freedom He's so eagerly given me, to not look at myself and know that I have been rescued, and that there is NONE but my Jesus.

It sounds cliche, and perhaps sappy. But the past few weeks have served me quite a few "cans" and it's tough. My stubbornness causes me to fight against what the world is telling me I lack, but also against those that God has put in my life to speak truth into me. All that gets me is a whole lot of no where and a left with countless gaping wounds.

I want Freedom, but I don't trust that its for me

I believe that there is None But Jesus, but most times I don't trust that its for me

So Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief.

As for me and my house....

2009-04-14T16:59:00.002-07:00

I must say I don't have a family of my own, but I get the joy of having an amazing roommate who is my best friend, and is more like a sister to me than a friend most times and for that I am blessed. And along with having an amazing best friend that I live with, we get the blessing of having a great house. A house that people can come and stay at, where (it is my hope that) they can feel comfortable, at home, and at peace. A place where those I love can know that the door is always open to them, and a listening ear and someone is here to sit with them to laugh, to cry, to just be themselves. And even though I my family consists of just me right now, I know that "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". and I grew up in an incredible family that taught me that serving the Lord is shown, is done, and is, serving others.

------------------------
Here are a couple picks from Easter Sunday, where over 20 of us gathered at mine and katie's stellar house to host Easter with a lot of people I love

moved...

2009-04-12T20:04:00.003-07:00

First an initial sidenote (Katie just had to move from the floor next to my dog, Molly, because Molly just let out a vicious fart that could clear a room!)

I have often debated within myself (I often have weird debates in my head) that if I had to make a choice between losing my sight or losing my hearing I would choose to loose my sight. Over my almost 27 years of living I have come to realize the necessity of my hearing mainly due to my love of music. Music moves me, it stir something within me. It connects to the very depths of my soul, gripping every facet of my emotions. It pours into every crevice, every space, finding the places within me that I thought were unmovable, hardened by weathering years brokenness. Music has the ability to bring my soul to life, and even when I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest from joy, music can make this very white girl dance!

Music has the ability to make me feel alive, to say everything that words are incapable expressing, that actions are incapable of being.

So that's why, that's why i can't imagine losing my hearing, because what I hear connects to my soul, God uses is to reconnect me to Him, to beckon me and draw me into my Abba's embrace.

I can't fathom, not being able to hear .... this:

This moves me. Sappy as you may think it is, it stirs my soul.

AHHH....AHHHH....AHHHH....

2009-03-31T20:53:00.007-07:00

CHOOOOO!!! So here's my random story of the day:

I head into to the store tonight to pick up a few items. So as I walk into the store I stumble upon the card section and I says to myself I says "self...you need to buy some cards to send to people". So I am perusing through the card section and I'm standing there looking at cards when.....BAM!!! a sneeze comes outta me from no where! ACHOO! One that I didn't even feel coming on, it just shot outta me like a bolt of lightening, no time to cover my mouth and what happens....my gum shoots out of my mouth like a bullet from a gun. It proceeded to stick the card in front of me and then ploop...it fell to the floor.

I mean one could hope I looked as cute as this when I sneezed:

but I'm sure I looked more like this:

Yah, that's a whole lot of not pretty. But I was laughing outloud to myself as I picked my gum up off the floor and took it to a trash can under a cash register.

If I could have seen the sneeze coming that would have been fantastic, but it offered me a good laugh.

-love the least

sometimes I think i'm funny...

2009-03-29T20:46:00.004-07:00

ok there's probably a lot of times I think I'm funny.

I was sorting through some older photos in iPhoto trying to pick ones that I'm going to print off to hangout on the walls of my house and I came across this one:

You see we were having a gathering to watch one of the presidential debates and we were supposed to make a snack that made us think of politicians...My immediately thought "asses!!!" so I made butt cookies. Here's a close up:

It just gave me a laugh to see these. I had forgotten about it. So i thought I'd share them. I hope they gave you a good laugh too.

-Love the least

Community is good...its GOOOOOOD....

2009-03-27T18:36:00.003-07:00

I have gone through 2 extremes regarding my community involvement in life. I have been both a community junkie and an anti-community junkie. I have to say that as of late I'm somewhat of a lack of community-aholic...a regular junkie of non community and that...is not a great thing.

I spent 5 years of my life during college being completely engulfed in community, being around people, being involved in community, taking on leadership roles, being involved in other people's lives.

Then suddenly I found myself in the fall of 2005 null and void of community. I picked up my life and headed to down to Greenville South Carolina for over 3 months from August to December to do an internship. I then moved back to Michigan for almost 5 months and then onto Colorado Springs, CO during which over the course of a year I worked at a group home. From July 2005 until December of 2007 I spent over 2 years almost null and void of community and those two years had a dramatic affect on my ability to be a part of community.

I am an individual that has always thrived on others, on being involved in the lives of other people, to have them be a part of mine; of taking part in leadership and found my energy in being around others I care about.

However over those 2 years I found it easier and easier to withdraw within myself, to become a recluse, and shut the world out to keep me in. It became very quickly a way of living to depend on myself rather than open myself to others because the few times I had....I got burned. And there is only so many times that you allow your heart to play with fire before you don't want to allow it to become wounded anymore. So closing myself in was my defense mechanism. I became a noncommunity junkie, I began to feel as though I thrived more being on my own than I did being around others.

This type of thought process is unhealthy, unbiblical, and self-destructive. we all need our moments of silence, of being alone...but we as human being, as creations modeled after our Creator, we are not meant to be alone.

Our souls, who we are as human beings is nurtured, thrives, and grows when planted in the earth of community. The community of others in which we are held accountability, where we laugh, we cry, where are vulnerable, challenged, stretched, where we are raw, real, and at times reckless - knowing that we are amongst friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, those we can trust.

It is for that very reason that community and feeling as though you can trust the community you belong to to be safe for your aches, your hurts, your pains, your past, your present, your future is so vital to the life of a community of people.

so I may be a recovering anti-community junkie, but I don't hope to be a community-aholic either.

I hope to be just me, Rachel, a woman of Christ seeking to be genuine with those I love and care about in hopes that they will do the same. Opening myself back up to others is good, it's hard, and at times really hurts...it tugs at the seams of my comfort in solitude and begins to tear and that growing process is uncomfortable and feels so unsafe at times, but in time. But growth almost always hurts, and growth is always worth it.

....I'm friggin' crazy

2009-03-23T17:51:00.005-07:00

soooooooo I.... I think I'm a friggin' loon.

I decided that my life isn't busy and crazy enough....I should add this to it:

Yep, I am officially a dog owner. Her name is Molly. What I should call her is "Are you freaking kidding me?!" or "Seriously!!!" or "not again!"

I mean this puppy won't stop going to the bathroom in her crate...I have asked everyone I know with a dog and they all say "really? Dogs hate being near their own urine and poop...." welp... NOT MINE. Not that she rolls in it, but good night nurse, she is willing to pee in there and just wait....ugh

Anyways, she's been a lot of work, which you always think you've prepared yourself for something like that, but OH NO! I'm learning. She's a great teaching tool for me. I just wish her teaching wouldn't be at the expense of my sleep.

Anyways, welcome to my world Molly, you'll be around for a while.

Spring forth

2009-03-22T00:34:00.002-07:00

The heart is a fascinating thing . . .

Not the physical heart (although its workings are incredible), but I'm talking about your soul, the thing that enmeshes your thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything logical and illogical within you.

Its not a physical, tangible thing, and yet ...its capable of so much.

Capable of actually breaking. causing an ache so indescribable that you wish someone would snatch it right out from chest to keep from enduring anymore pain. The ache of emptiness, brokenness, desolation, isolation, fear.

I've had moments in my life I have wondered if my heart were so broken that it would actually stop beating, that the essence of my being would keep my physical being from existing. That my rhythm would cease....

Then again I've also had moments that I feel as though my heart is going to burst right out of my chest from sheer joy, or from the anticipation of excitement. Those moments that words cannot express. Where you feel like "you're happy and you know it, and your face will surely show it". That sense that you want to wrap your very being around everything and everyone that you love, but you just can't hold them all in. It overwhelms, over fills, overflows. The moments that your cup overfloweth with everything that's pure in the world and for even a brief moment....all the world is right. the sense is overwhelming, it take you by surprise, catches you off guard, sometimes in moments you least expect it. Then you turn a corner in time and there it is, fast a fleeting, yet so real. And for that moment you feel so alive that perhaps this what heaven will always feel like, and its a feeling that will never grow old. Moments where two worlds come together, heaven and earth collide. the raw reality of real life is interrupted, overtaken, by the purest elements of all that is right, good. You feel, whole, complete...so complete that you feel like you're going to burst right out of your skin, like you can't hold yourself in this tissue paper thin casing of flesh and bone. I've had moments I wish I could physically burst my joy out of my body, like a sneeze, or like when liquid or food has actually burst forth from my mouth from laughing (or when I choke). Yeah...I wish it would actually physically expell itself from my body in a way that actually takes myself and those around me by surprise. it'd be a signal, that i just experienced a little bit of heaven here and now, during this fragile, feeble, fleeting time here on earth.

so thats what I'm praying for. I may not get an actually bursting, but I sure hope that the more I become aware of heaven here on earth and that I'm experiencing it, that it will spring forth from my very being.....taking everyone....including myself, by surprise

Thrown under the Bus

2008-11-19T22:07:00.001-07:00

I am actually not going to use this entire post to talk about how an individual in the same work circle threw me under the bus this past week, but she did, and to be honest, it did a number of things in the following order:

1) It totally blindsided me
2) It made me doubt myself, my abilities, my talents, my judgement, and my ethics
3) It infuriated me because it was an injustice against myself, simply for their personal agenda and gain, and it was done with malice and not rooted in truth
4) Made me realize I can do nothing but continue forward knowing that I had done nothing wrong, and that I needed to leave it in God's hands. Because (i know I should start a sentence with because, but because I don't care...am)....BECAUSE regardless of the outcome, I know that if I stick to Truth and my morals and ethics....God will take care of me one way or another.

Will that mean I won't continue to try and be bulldozed by people, or that bad things won't happen...nope. However, I have an assurance that because I choose to conduct myself with a good work ethic and high moral standards in a way that God asks me too, I can sleep at night, knowing I did right; I did right by that kiddo I served, by me, by the agency I work for. So that is that.

------------------------
It's amazing how one individual can shake your work isn't it? The can shake it up in a positive or negative way.

Who has shaken your world up?

What was the experience? Was it a positive or negative experience?

--------------------
My world was recently shaken up for some time the past few months. I have been on pins and needles pending the results of the parole hearing for the man, Donald Mason, who murdered my Aunt Ruthie. I was only 4, but I have been deeply affected by this very self and demented man.

So I wrote a victim impact statement and sent it to the Parole Board, as did a few others in my family. Truly though I have been preparing myself since I was a teenager that upon his first parole hearing....he would be walking the streets again, with the freedom and ability to not only hurt my family but perhaps someone elses as well.

I had been waiting, waiting, and waiting to find out, even though I had come to terms with the worst outcome.....and so I waited and prayed, I cried, I prayed, I cried with family, I cried with friends as myself and my family relived the experience of her death all over again, and....I prayed.

Then, I receive a text from my oldest brother......"Rachel, he was denied parole for another 2 years!!!"

As I stood there in Wal-Mart in the toy aisle, surrounded by Dolls and race cars, my eyes welled up in tears, of all places I could be....but I couldn't help it. It seemed like a dream....an absolute surreal moment.

Here, now, in a place in time in which so many people with evil in their hearts are allowed over and over and over again to hurt society due to our failed reactive (rather than proactive) justice system, there I stood praising Jesus, crying, in WalMart.....God did a miracle, I know, because there is no reason our judicial system would really keep him there considering the massive amounts of individuals they release simply because they do not have funding or the room. He did a miracle, I know it.... I know. And for those in my family that actually made the effort to relive this experience and write their letters and experience this gut wrenching heartache....I know that God took our efforts and created a miracle and I am so grateful.

So two years from now I will be doing the same, praying for a miracle, and I know that God can do it.....

Donald Mason shook my world, he shook my family's world, but God is bigger than the evil inside of his heart....and tonight I will rest....

-love the least

Heavy

2008-10-13T21:04:00.002-07:00

....I suppose this is the best word I could use to describe how my soul feels....heavy.

I have spent my time, energy, and thoughts these past few months in regards to a Victim Impact Statement that I have needed and wanted to write to the State of New York Parole Board.

Over 21 years ago, my aunt Ruthie was brutally murdered by her husband. Coming up in November that man will face the parole board to see if he may be released early on parole. His sentence was 21 years - life......he has served his minimum 21 years

I have been trying for to months to compose my victim impact statement, I just finished it tonight. I feel like it is crap, like I am not doing my Aunt Ruthie any justice, and yet I am trying so hard to do right by her and my grams.

A couple of weekends ago I sat with my grams, brother, sister in law, and my mama to video tape my grams' victim impact statement....it was heart wrenching. I was able to take part in some very candid, very raw conversations.....I feel closer to my family because of it....I truly am blessed to have the parents, the brothers, and sister in laws that I do.

Me not wanting him to be released from prison is not a matter of forgiveness, it's about justice. I read in a book recently that to forgive someone is "to let go of their throat". And I sat and cried over that statement for a long time, because at times, i wonder...if I ever saw him, the man who murdered my aunt, the man I called my uncle; if I ever saw him face to face, would I be able to let go of his throat??

At times I can answer confidently that I would, other times, actually many times, I am not so sure that I could.

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and I am justified in being angry, if my anger is rooted in seeking justice and fighting against what is unjust. God calls us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him. I don't do that very well, but I sure am trying. So am I capable of having a righteous anger towards an unjust act, while still having mercy towards the man that took something so precious?

I am trying, I truly am trying. But it is really really hard.

......love the least

As promised...

2008-10-13T17:47:00.007-07:00

Ok so I am going to do a few posts, it'll take a few days, but here are a few photos from my trip back to Michigan a couple weekends ago to hangout with my family all together before my brother heads to Iraq for another tour (yippee for the military...sick!)

These are of my whole family at the apple orchard where we picked some fantastic apples and I made myself sick on cider mill cider and donuts.....YUM!!!!

Fan-freakin-tastic weekend

2008-10-12T21:35:00.002-07:00

According to my brother (hey Aaron!!!) I don't blog enough...so for Aaron, and those few others that read this every now and then I'll try to be better about it.

I headed to Ouray, CO this past weekend with my friend Cathy and Katie....it was INcredible!!! I know this is brief but I'm super tired and have to see 9 kiddos for work tomorrow, so I will tomorrow night post some pictures of this past weekend and blog about what's been going on in my not very fast paced life.....

For night...I am going to sleep, wishing I was still nestled in the mountains in Ouray, CO in a hot spring and the most breath taking view before me, it really was amazing.

....love the least

-Rachel

freaking HI...LARIOUS!

2008-09-16T14:21:00.004-07:00

Thank you to my dear friend Mike Van de for connecting me with this video....viewer beware, it will be in your head for a week, but you will also get a good 10 minutes laugh from it as well...

Why don't more bands sound like this!?!?! It's an outrage I say...outrage!

I sure hope we sing this at church soon...

the garden of your soul...

2008-08-30T18:25:00.002-07:00

in reading the book "The Shack" I was reminded of this brilliant metaphor about the garden of our soul.....

I would be magnificent to actually see what each person's garden looked like. The brilliant array of colors and smells flooding your senses as you interact with people. It would be nice, too for those souls that are dying, of those that have pushed The Light from their hearts, to be engulfed by darkness, To be able to see their garden withering and perhaps we could know their intentions, or better know how to try and bring life to their soul.

------------------------------------------

These were some other beautiful insights from The Shack the following are some excerpts:

"Relationships are never about power and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself- to serve. Humans often do this - in touching the infirm and sick, in serving the ones whose minds have left to wander, in relating to the poor, in loving the very old and the very young, or even in caring for the other who has assumed a position of power over them."

The following was a passage that struck me really hard:
"Most birds were created to fly. being ground for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. . . . You (meaning us) on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."

Another passage that struck me was a dialog that occurred between the main character (Mack) and God. God chose to appear to Mack as an large beaming beautiful African American woman, whom Mack could call "Papa". Certainly not how most people would envision God. But from the moment I read the line where God was introduced in this manner....I thought it was brilliant, fitting, I loved it!!

Anyways, in this dialog, God was explaining to Mack why he had chosen to reveal himself to Mack in this form and God explains that:
The way God chooses to reveal or appear to us is because He loves us - it may not make sense, but it is to keep us from falling so easily back into our religious conditioning.

Which I must say I have fallen prey to: religious conditioning. But how beautiful, for God to neither be man nor woman to take the gender form of one, yet the gender name of another. For God to meet or deepest need for security in the depths of our hurt, by revealing himself to us in the way that makes us feel safest.....it's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

If God appeared, or has revealed Himself to you, how would he appear to you???

I will have to think on that for myself....and put it in my next post.

beautifully written....

2008-08-30T17:29:00.005-07:00

I have been wanting to read the book "The Shack" for about 4 months now, since I first heard of it. I recently borrowed it from a friend and began reading it....

I haven't completed it yet, but it is a fabulous read so far. Let me give a quick preface to the book without really giving anything away. This man (names Mack), travels to a shack in the woods to meet with God, the significance of the Shack itself though is quite powerful, because it is the place where the last traces of his youngest daughter are found after she was kidnapped by a serial killer.

Now I know this doesn't sound like "ooooo that's a book I want to pick up", but I really don't think you'll be disappointed by this book.

So if you get a chance pick up a copy, give a read..... I will post some quotes from the book soon, probably right after this post, but for now, I just wanted to share how much I am loving this book and I hope you will too!

....love the least

2008-07-11T18:38:00.003-07:00

I haven't had much to say lately, hence why I haven't posted anything in quite some time. The last few months have been good, fun. I love summer. I even love the heat, even when I am sweating to death.

Anyhoot, the past couple months was filled with a few birthdays (one being my own), which was great, Katie and my mama made it absolutely wonderful and then to top it off I spent it with them and my friends!!

Life has just been...funny lately. I can't quite seem to find a niche in things, between my job, church, friends....I just feel rather..."in between". And because of the that "in between" feeling I feel rather lonely and lost, and that loneliness is turning into hopelessness.

Why do I share that??? I'm not quite sure, I don't you usually share that sort of thing, but I had a rather moving experience on Sunday night. I'll keep the experience brief, but I had the opportunity to be prayed for by people I barely know, but have really come to enjoy. They laid hands on me and just prayed over the hopelessness I feel in my life right now. And I must say even 24 hours later....I still feel....different.

I don't want to walk through my life feeling hopeless because I am just waiting for the next thing to come, whether that "thing" is good or bad, I feel like I am always waiting. More often than not I feel like I am waiting for life to take another shot at me, and all the while just hoping God would just give me a break and give me some grace.

I don't know....I'm not out of this season yet, I am simply in the midst of walking through it....praying for God to give me the grace to keep going, and the hope to know greater things are yet to come, and ache to want better.

....until next time
Love the least

Meet Babe....

2008-05-08T19:42:00.003-07:00

Wow, I rarely post 1x/week let alone 2x's in one day!! But I would like to introduce all of you to..."Babe" as in Babe, the Big Blue Ox.

After a series of unfortunate events....long story short: I was turning left on a green arrow, a guy 2 cars in front of me decides that coming to a dead stop in the middle of the intersection is a good idea this = me ruining my car...sad. So Betty (my old car's name) has been replaced with Babe. She's great, and a blessing from God, because I got a great deal on her. So I officially proclaim that Babe is NOT my car, she is God's car.

Other names are welcome, but for now, Babe it is.

I am Jacob....

2008-05-06T12:24:00.002-07:00

I feel like my name should be Jacob, well, since I'm a girl maybe...Jacobina. I say this because I feel like a majority of the time, I am wrestling with God.

I wrestle to understand, to know, to get answers; because I am hurt, because I get frustrated, angry, confused, and most of the time: because I am just plain lost.

I even choose to wrestle God sometimes when I am joyful.

My wrestling comes from my stubbornness, and my lack of trust. I ache to believe that God is who He says He is....I just let myself, my hurts, my doubts get in the way of trusting that.

I have been extremely humbled by the overwhelming presence of Christ in my life. God is bringing me to my knees and clearly stating to me..."Rachel, I am God, and life is going to be hard, you WILL have trouble, but I have come and overcome the world, so trust me. Trust me when it's hard, when it seems impossible, and when nothing in the world seems right, because I promise you...all will be well."

Now when I state "all will be well", I by no means me, that life is going to fine, and dandy, and even when life is at its maximum suckiness that I think it will be peachy. I mean that despite the really crappy stuff in life that happens, I can trust in the fact that God is there, with me, in the crap, and He loves me, and is present, and life will happen, and I will run into trouble in this life because I love Christ and because we live in a broken world.....but Christ is with me, and therefore....all will be well.

So although I wrestle with God a lot...I am trying to choose to not wrestle with Him so much, and I'm going to try and choose to rest, rest in His faithfulness.

......I am Jacob, (well as stated before...Jacobina).

-Love the least

Yearning

2008-04-21T14:14:00.002-07:00

My heart has been going through this vast array of emotions lately....some I like, some I don't like, but in the end I love them all and must embrace them.

For those of you that may not know me too well, I'll fill you in on something about myself: I think WAY too much. I'm a thinker, a ponderer, a wonderer. My soul, my heart, my thoughts run deep. So deep that I tend to over think, over analyze, over emotionalize a lot. But it's me, I must embrace it, and at times learn to reign it in.

Lately I keep thinking about Africa, and how much I ache to go there and serve. My goal is to hopefully get a Doctorate of Physical Therapy, and then be able to go and serve in Africa for periods of time. How feasible this will be, I don't know, but my heart aches to do such things. When God made me, He created this spot, a nest in my heart for Africa; for its people, its children, it's poverty, it's sorrow, it's ache, it's beauty, it's joy.

Trying to go back to school is going to be really tough, so I hope and pray that it is attainable.

.......what has God made a space in your heart for, what has He nested in you that you ache for?

Praise to Anger

2008-04-10T15:49:00.003-07:00

today, I was angry. And it's so sad because last night at K-Group I had an absolutely incredible time of worship and prayer with my friends. The devil is a sneaky tricky bastard. Last night was good, I think we really allowed God's presence to work not only within the walls of the house in which we sang and prayed, but also within the walls of our hearts. I can't speak for everyone there, but it was good, and God's presence is always there, but whether we humble our stubborn hearts to let him work is a completely other issue. I had a hard time at first allowing God's spirit to move in me, I was consumed by worries about life, work, and my livelihood, and then during our time of prayer, I felt so foolish for not remembering that God has taken care of me thus far, even when it feels as though he is not, He is.

But today I was angry. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was behind a very foolish and an a-hole of a driver, who, when I tried to get around him because he was driving so dangerously, he cut me off. Work is hard, and unmotivating when one (like me) is uncertain of their job security because they are uncertain of what their agency/company's future will be in less than 30 days. It's cold. It's cloudy. It's grey. Today feels grey. Last night was full of light, of hope, of promise and future. Today...tiredness and doubt.

So tonight I will relax, and at 11 p.m. I will go play in an indoor soccer game, and I will enjoy (and hopefully not roll my ankle this week). I'll be taping those bad boys up this week that's for sure, no more sprained ankles for me.

Here's to those, like me that have nights full of light, and days sometimes darkened with grey. Blessings to you....God is present, let Him work.

2008-04-03T09:52:00.001-07:00

I like to sing. I like music. I like to play my guitar. I love to play my violin. Jesus is good. I am broken. God is mending me. The end.

Thoughts from a tired soul

2008-03-30T20:21:00.003-07:00

I need to preface that this blog is not meant to be malicious or anyone or anything but there are some frustrations I am having about my life and I figured why not put them down here.....

With that said...giddy up

__________________

God is working on me, working on breaking this very stubborn, hard, but still willing, open heart. He is at work on this paradox I like to call me. This process makes me want to both raise my voice in frustration and praise at times.

But for the first time in a long time I have felt not only that God is working on my heart, but mostly that I am willing to let him....like I stated above...I am very stubborn. However, God has really begun to break this hardened clay heart I have built over the last 8 (or more) years.

Do I struggle with self worth, well yes, yes I do. I will be the first to admit that. I can be so self-loathing that I become self-destructive. That is not of God; that guilt, that angst, that hatred....that's not of Christ. I am very well aware of that, but it is a demon I am plagued with and try to choose daily to battle, with the strength of God, and not of my own.

And satan works really hard to chip away at my soul through this demon, this thorn of self-loathing, he is very clever, very smart, he uses many different forms to dig at my soul.

Lately, for the past month or so, that avenue of lies has been regarding my singleness. I feel like I am being hit from every side regarding this aspect of my life, through my everyday expriences at work, through my social interactions, through my family, and even my friends.

I feel like all I keep hearing from people lately is in a nutshell this statement: "your life would be all fixed, God would make everything better, and you would be complete if you would just find yourself a husband"

Guess what?!?!.....I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM BROKEN!!!! But my wholeness resides in a God that loves me, that is calling me to Himself, and beckoning me to find a better way of loving Him, loving others, and loving myself that what everyone else seems to think is the answer.

Do I desire to get married; to find the man that God has created for me to be with, the one I will be the greatest and most amazing wife to..... It is one of the greatest and deepest desires of my heart.

But finding a husband is not the answer to everything!!!!

So don't tell me that getting into a relationship is going to make my life magically better, and that its the only way God is going to work in my life. If God chooses that, then ok, but don't speak that to me as if its the only truth, the only way.
_________________________________

I just want people to stop making me feel like I'm incomplete simply because I don't have a husband right now. Stop making me feel and telling me that I am not ok because I'm not dating, because I feel like God is telling me just the opposite.

Stop telling me I'm not doing ok, when Christ is telling me that He is doing good in me right now.........

something is in the air

2008-03-27T13:33:00.003-07:00

This past week has been amazing. Every night after work I've had chance to either go outside for a walk and enjoy the weather or last nigth I chose to go on a bike ride.

One word: Magnificent. At one point I stopped along the trail and sat on this bench a top of "mini" hill that looks directly at Pikes Peak. And I just let the wind and the warmth of the setting sun wash over my face. I think if I had to describe what I think heaven might feel like, that might be it. The feel of a warm breeze washing against your body while basking in the glow of a setting sun, the air around me engulfing me, with the sound of the wind in the trees, birds chirping.

In that fleeting moment I truly felt, understood, and believed that God is good and God is faithful.

There is something about bike riding for me that I just love. My family was always going on bike rides together when I was a kid, we still do it now if we can when we get together. I think its that feel of the wind on my face I just love, to push myself sometimes to the limit to make it up a wicked hill, or even when I go mountain biking to scare the living Ba-Jesus outta myself going on trail that's wicked hard. I love it...i just do.

The only part I don't love is those dang bike seats....holy smokes...I'm feeling that bike ride today in my rump that's for sure. I think I'm going to go to the store and buy myself a new one, it'll be the Cadilac of bike seats!!!

Here's to Springs! It's been a long time coming and I have been awaiting you! So go out, enjoy creation, and feel the warm breeze and sun on your face and remember...God did both...and God is good.

Duty calls

2008-03-24T13:47:00.003-07:00

Ugh, I got a summons for Jury Duty.

I guess it'd be ok if it was an interesting case. Then again I may not even be called back, my first day is April 10th.

I've been told if you just cry during your interview, you'll be dismissed....maybe I'll be able to work up some tears....

...anybody got any other suggestions?

_______________________

I had a fantastical time with my friends from K-Group yesterday for our Easter Sha-bang. I mean what could be better for a group of people in their mid twenties than:

a) eating
2) An easter egg hunt
iii) Easter Egg Dying
D) a group game of quelf

Is there anything better?? I SUMBIT THAT THERE IS NOT!

hope everyone had a blessed easter!!

We missed all those from K-Group that couldn't come! Next time!!

New Beginnings

2008-03-04T11:00:00.003-07:00

I got baptized on Sunday, it was a beautiful experience.

Thank you Ela, Josh, Jen, Rachel, Jamie, and Katie for being there!!

God has been working on my heart a lot lately. Digging up all the muck I've been burying for so deep for so long.

It's been freeing to be so honest with my friends, my family I should call them, because they have become part of my family and I love it.

I am blessed, I am clean, I am free.

Here's to new beginnings, a life of freedom and honesty.

Christ is Freedom, and I am sacred....

And the opinion is.....

2008-01-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Katie recently pointed out the fact that she felt as though I wasn't truly sharing my opinion in my last post regarding Pink's song "Dear Mr. President". So I'm going to clarify my opinions, through a random assortment of thoughts that will be clear....as mud.

So here are my thoughts:

I would NEVER want to be president.

I will give major kudos to those that choose to undertake the task of being the Commander and Chief of our Nation.

However, there are numerous things that i have not agreed with. I take a much more liberal stance than that of the very conservative, republican home. And that's ok. I respect my parents points of view, and we can agree to disagree.

But I am deeply saddened and at times outraged at the fact that we spend billions, yes BILLIONS of dollars on a war, and yet, we don't spend a fraction of that on helping the widows, the orphans, the fatherless....which is what God calls us to do.

And I blame a lot of that too on Christians, we are called to a religion that God finds faultess: to look after widows and orphans in their distress.(james 1:27) God calls us to "act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God." Micah 6:8

Is abortion against God's will? Yes, but if we are so determined to maintain the sanctity of life...what are we doing for the lost and the hopeless that are right here, right now? What about the sanctity of life of those living hell on earth?

What about the child that is born into the home of mother addicted to meth, the child who is sexually abused, the child that knows not whether they will have food to eat or a safe place to lay their head? The mother that works 2-3 jobs, because her husband left her for another woman (or another man for that matter), but she works those jobs just to try and even have the option of either heating the house, or putting food on the table.

The war on terror? The terror comes in other forms that Islamic radicals or the Taliban.

Do I agree with abortion....no. But how many babies have been spared from being raised in abusive homes? Does that justify it? No... But also spent over a year of my life being a part of the lives of at-risk, broken, abused, troubled, and lost teenagers. Who don't really know how to love, but they think "my mom did a crappy job of raising me, so when I have a kid, I'll do better". Meanwhile, they are still children, and they get pregnant, and they would never have an abortion, no...instead they have a child, thinking they can love it better, raise it better, but not thinking about the fact that do they don't have the means to even do that child justice, thus...continuing the cycle. The never ending cycle of generational turmoil and sin....and it breaks my heart.

What are we doing????? What? someone please explain it to me?

What do I feel about the war? I hate it! I hate that people die, and suffer, and that in the midst of trying to kill the guilty, we kill so many innocent too.

There is something poetic in Pink's song, and do I agree with every facet of it? No, but there are many parts I do.

One things for sure...I would never EVER want to be president.

God be with us, for we are a lost people...... Abba help us to seek after you again, to seek after your heart. Help us to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with you, and to help orphans & widows in their distress.

.....amen

When politics & music collide

2007-12-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm apparently waaaay behind the times, and that's ok, but an acquaintance just introduced me to this song.

Many of you may not agree with me about posting this song....and that's ok. We can still be friends....

give it a listen, give it some thought....

CORRECTION!!

2007-12-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

In my last post entitled "conviction" apparently I stated "I look at porn".

I have corrected that statement... I DO NOT look at porn.......

that is all. hahahah!!

man, the scary things we type on the web

Conviction

2007-12-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

This may seem like a rather odd post, but that's ok. I'm odd, so me saying odd things is not unlike me.

********Ok funny sidenote, I am sitting here in Panera and there is this group of 4 ladies at least 50 years old. And one of them has this tiny little bottle (known as a "shooter") of apple Smirnoff Vodka next to her "water" glass with a lemon in is.....mind you I AM AT PANERA, I got here at 3:30 pm. My goodness, can we not hide our alcoholism in our homes, or in coffee mugs these days!!! Like normal people!!! hahahaha. **********

I was talking with Katie (my best friend) about how God has been convicting me lately of what I see.

I am VERY visual person, hence why when things are visually stimulating...I am usually distracted by them (like a t.v. on at a bar, or a shiny object haha).....

On with what I was saying:

The other night katie and I were watching the movie Mr. Brooks, which if you have not seen it...that's ok, don't. It was VERY disturbing, and as a result I am having trouble sleeping at night, and getting really creeped out (more than I usually do) by the dark.

Anyways, my conviction set in as after I finished watching this movie, and I laid awake for a good 3 hours before falling asleep, and all I could see and think about, no matter how hard I prayed, were the really graphic and gory murders in the movie, and the unfortunately very graphic sex scenes....ugh.

and As childish as it may sound, it was disgusting to me what I saw in this movie, and moreover, what I allowed myself to watch.

Here I am 25 years old, and I feel as though I need to sensor what I watch.

But I think it's so true. Anymore in movies, nothing is off limits. Rated R movies practically have porn in them when it comes to sex scenes, and there is nothing off limits when it comes to violence and horror....sad.

There is where my conviction comes is. I understand I'm an adult, and most would say, that because I'm an adult I can watch a sex scene in a movie.

However, anymore, I am realizing, and feel as though God is convicting me of the fact that I am stripping myself and raping my mind by continuing to watch things that are so graphic. Because in all honesty....are they beneficial for me??

The Bible states that "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible- but not everything is constructive." (I Corinthians 10:23)

and that"Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will NOT be mastered by anything. (I Corinthians 6:12) (emphasis added)

The verse in Chapter 6 really sticks out to me because at the end is states "I will not be mastered by anything".

I am realizing that the more I expose my precious brain to things that grotesque, sexually immoral, and graphic, then I am slowly allowing myself to be mastered by them. Because I think about them, I think about them when I go to sleep, when I am distracted, and at random times of the day. Essentially I am raping my mind. I tear away at my own innocence.

Which is why I do NOT look at porn. (among a MILLION other reasons, of which I will not get into right now).

But in essence, what is allowed in films and even on Network television is soft porn, and in some cases borderline porn. And if I choose not to look at porn, why am I watching sexually explicit things anyways?? Of what benefit is there?

It takes my focus off of Christ, and it butchers something that to God is meant to be something beautiful and intimate between a husband and wife and makes it something animalistic, common, and vulgar.

Sex is a beautiful thing, and our society and raped us of our innocence when it comes to sex. It is no longer something intimate and beautiful and sacred, it's just something you "get", that temporarily satisfies a need within us. We no longer love, we lust. We think that by "getting some" we get something, but in reality, we are giving. We give of our innocence, we give of our bodies, our hearts and most importantly, our souls. And pretty soon, we have nothing of our souls left to give to the one person we spend the rest of our lives with.

Perhaps that's why I am so thankful for grace. Grace from a God that forgives me for my failures, that heals deep wounds, deep hurts, and deep mistakes. And so I must pray that God brings me a man that is capable of much grace, and that I myself will have the grace to forgive the mistakes of him.

I have lost much of my innocence (thankfully not my virginity), however, that doesn't mean I can't try something new, that I can't try and start over and protect soul

I can't gain my innocence back, but I can attempt to protect my innocence, and refuse to continue to expose my soul to more abuse, and to not allow my heart to be raped anymore, but what our society says is "normal", and "ok".

So I will no longer watch sex scenes in movies, or on TV or anything else for that matter that is not beneficial to my soul.

so if you are a friend, hold me accountable.....

......here's to regaining innocence. Blessings to you.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!

2007-11-21T18:16:00.001-07:00

Blessings to you all!! Happy Thanksgiving, may all of you have a blessed time with your family and friends!!! Eat lots and take long naps...and help your mom clean up the kitchen ;o)

love the least....

Rachel

2007-11-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

I know I don't blog much in the first place, but I have been able to even less lately because the internet at my apartment complex is down.

I recently started a new job this past week. Three words: LOVE IT! overwhelmed.

I have so much information to take in and process, that i am just exhuasted at night, however I am thinking so much about all I have to do and learn and start, and the caseload I will soon be taking on that I can't sleep at night.....ugh.

Soooo even in the midst of all that I am considering going back to school....for what? I dont' know yet, so I'm looking into graduate programs.

I feel like there are a million different options to consider:
Social Work
Counseling
Speech Language Pathology
Physical Therapy
Occupational Therapy

I just don't know....seriously no clue. And the last 30 minutes of looking online, has not helped, in fact, I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Even considering the possiblity of juggling school and a full-time job....holy headache batman.

I stated recently to a friend that I am in this rebuilding phase with Christ. Over the past 3-4 months I have gone through some very relationship breaking time with God. Times of bitterness, anger, and even hatred. More often than not I feel as though I am floundering in my life. I feel like I am working and fighting so hard for EVERYTHING; for friendships, relationships, community, to find a job that I love, to even love myself. I just feel like I have to fight so dang hard.

And right now, with God....I'm ok. He and I are working on it, we are in a rebuilding process. and it's good, but still hard.

I was having a conversation with a few friends today over breakfast about how it's so hard to really study the Bible on your own. Which for me is very true. I feel like I don't even know where to begin when I open my Bible, and then when I finish reading whatever section I have randomly stumbled across, I feel like I"m fighting to get something out of it (again, fighting). I want the Bible to be alive, to be apart of my story, and for me to be apart of its story. I just dont' want to wait for Sunday morning to come for that to happen. If it could be a part of my everyday life, it would change my world

I grew up in a Christian home, I know all the answers I should know, and yet the Bible is still a very foreign thing to me, I dont' even know how to approach trying to study it on a day to day basis and actually absorb something from it. I want to....I just don't where to begin.

Ok, I have to go back to work.

until next time

....love the least

BIG NEWS!!!!

2007-10-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

I GOT A JOB!!! As of the first of November....I will be working for The Resource Exchange in Colorado Springs!! I will be working with families with children from 0-3 years old that have a disability!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! After a month and a half of being without a full-time job, here I am, very very blessed!! THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!

2007-10-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am often at a loss for words. Sometimes I really wish I were sitting in the middle of a forest, up in the mountains next to a stream..... like in this picture. I enjoy moments of contemplations, deep thought, pondering. And right now at this very moment in my life, I have so much going through my brain, I can't even begin to sort it out.

it's one of those things where I know I'd be better off going to bed than to continue pondering what the heck it is I'm trying to sort out in my mess of a mind. So I will tackle my thoughts tomorrow. For now, I will go to bed, and dream that I am next to this river again, in this mountain, sitting in this time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!!!

2007-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

For Jen's Birthday Cathy, Jen, Katie and I went out for her Birthday on Saturday. And then that evening, Jen, her husband Keven, Katie and I went bowling....it was a swell time!!

Jen & Cathy at the Bon Ton for lunch

Jen (the birthday girl) & I at the Bon Ton

Katie, Me, & Jen at the bowling alley

We were excited about bowling

The Birthday Girl got a STRIKE!! (she was posing as the "X" for the strike!)

Wahoo Katie got a strike!!

And Kevin got a strike too!!!

I got a strike as well but we forgot to get a picture....oops

I have enjoyed making new friends this past week, Jen, Kevin, & Cathy have been a few that I have made....it's been fabulous!! God's been bringing me a lot of blessings in the form of community this week.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!!!

growing pains

2007-10-06T02:14:00.000-07:00

It has officially been three weeks since I have worked at a full-time job.........

I think "growing pains" is how I would best describe how I feel right now about my life. I have been really struggling lately to just allow God to "move" so to speak, to allow Him to use this time of unknowns, transitions, this time of being COMPLETELY terrified about my life to shape me. I am trying desperately to allow God to move mountains within my being, within my soul....and I wish I could sit still long enough, and listen hard enough to hear him in the faint whisper of the wind blowing through the trees.

I just keep think....just trust Rachel, you have stepped out in faith, just trust. and then the other part of my brain kicks in and says......what in the junk were you thinking when you quit your job?!?! What the junk are you doing with your life?!?!?! What are you doing to do next Rachel?!? what?

.......growing pains. They are hard, and here I am Lord, I accept them, no "buts", just acceptance of what you are trying to teach me. I'm willing to sit and listen....please, come talk.

Welcome to the world Issybella

2007-10-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Meet Issybella, tomorrow (Friday) she will officially be three weeks old!

She loves her Auntie Rachel

cool moments

2007-09-26T22:55:00.001-07:00

Katie and I went on a little roadtrip around the springs this past Sunday...very fun FYI. Well we wandered into Manitou Springs (a crazy little mountain here located next to Colorado Springs).

Our mission: locate the road that leads to a house located at the top of a mountain cliff island.

We ended up running into this old little cemetery and ran into this........

And you probably can't tell but there are 14, YES 14 points on this old Buck. He was just there alongside the road drinking water like this.....

...good times...good times

.....things that are hard

2007-09-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend I got to hangout with my friends Matt and his brother Ben (who is a now a new friend). The boys flew in from Nashville Thursday evening, convinced me to climb the incline the next day with them.....yeah they're nuts, but wicked fun. Then the two of them decided that they were going to climb a fourteener (which for those of you that don't know the lingo...that's a mountain that's 14,000 feet and taller) the next day on Saturday.

It was a blast! They make me laugh a lot and I hope they come back to visit soon. So between climbing the incline, having dinner Friday night, and hanging out with them Sunday evening, I had a hoot of time.

p.s. for those of you that don't know...the incline is over 3,000 railroad ties that are make-do steps that lead straight up the side of a mountain....fun, a frickin' riot!!! But great exercise.

This is us at the bottom of the Incline

This is the boys on the way up....they always make the best of everything!! :o)
This is us at the top...finally

I would like to mention that I have done the "incline" a couple of times now and walked away ...unscathed. However, this time, we came directly back down the incline (not recommended by most), and now neither do I recommend it. Because for three days I could barely walk do the damage I inflicted on my right thigh.

Toodles!!!

I needed a little....motivation

2007-09-11T09:27:00.001-07:00

I needed a laugh today to get me "motivated"

...ache

2007-09-10T22:06:00.001-07:00

I have this habit of when I find a new song that grabs me I listen it not once, not twice, but continuously, for days at a time. Currently that song is by Lifehouse off their newest album Who We Are. The song is called Broken, I really feel like it's the theme song of my life right now. Where I am at spiritual and in every other aspect.

Right now I just ache, something deep inside of me feels lost, and I ache.

Watch the video, read the lyrics

Broken
by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

....me in my younger days

2007-08-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

I am currently in Michigan visiting my parents and my mama found an old picture of myself and my brother Bryan......I look pretty much exactly the same now as I did when this picture was taken, only the chubby cheeks aren't as cute anymore haha!!

PostSecret

2007-08-15T12:48:00.001-07:00

a project of labor and love that helps support those that are hurt and lost....

SERIOUSLY!!!

2007-07-29T14:36:00.001-07:00

Ok so Katie and I were making a late night trip to Wal-Mart last night. And as we came to stop at a stop light in Old Colorado City.......This is the sight I behold:

SERIOUSLY!!! Does that look like a safe situation..... A few scenarios ran through my mind...

A) What if you get hit in there rear end ......propane tank instantly goes BOOM
2) What if your flimsy rubber bungee cord rots or decides to give way and fall to the ground....propane tank goes BOOM!!!

....somewhere along the lines people started inbreeding....and this is the result..... seriously....seriously.

....don't blink

2007-07-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am on a mission. I am searching. I am lost, so I will seek. I know not what I will find. I know not what will come. But search I shall. I will work hard. I will strive to not be angry or become bitter. I will keep my heart open and embrace what is to come. Although I am frustrated and at times angry with God, I will aim to still be obedient. I will try not blink, for I might miss what it is I seek to find.

Acoustic Guitar - Trace Bundy's Dueling Ninjas - WHOLE SONG

2007-07-24T09:04:00.001-07:00

This man is truly gifted

Fan Fair

2007-07-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture that my lovely friend Melodie actually took and posted but I thought I would snag it and put it on my page... Thanks melodie!!!! we're cute! This was taken in downtown Colorado Springs at the Fan Fair which is to kick-off the annual Pikes Peak Climb

Me*Katie*Melodie

Visit to Rocky Mountain National Forest

2007-07-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm finally posting pics from my visit mine and Katie's visit to the Rocky Mountain National Forest

We stopped at a lookout and took a picture as we came down the mountain

This is one of two of the elk standing alongside the road

This Katie and I standing on top of a mountain

One of our views as we drove down the mountain

Strike a Pose!!!

Let me tell ya that mountain water I'm standing in...nope not warm

I've got a bajillion more but those are a few....enjoy!

My "remember list"

2007-07-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

I must first say that I love dry erase markers, because with them I have the freedom to write all over my bathroom mirror, whether that's my "to do" list, things I need to buy at the store, or silly little phrases, however recently this is my "Remember List" it is as follows:

Rachel Remember:

To love Christ most
To put other before yourself
To love mercy, to act justly, & to walk humbly with God
To pray for those you love & those you don't
To take your vitamins
To ask God for joy

I'm still brainstorming if there are more things I should add to my list.

blessings,
Rachel

Update profile

2007-07-17T11:20:00.001-07:00

I updated my profile today, but I felt the need to post it, because...I just did, and it's my blog, and I can do that.

I have learned that silence is a brilliant yet terrifying phenomenon. Loving Jesus is the hardest thing I will ever do. I have learned that once you say it you can't just take it back. God will not always give us what WE think are blessings. My weaknesses are: Target, cheese, anger, sweets, being competitive, discounts/sales, babies & children, carbs, and hugs & kisses. I think that life should have theme music playing all the time like it does in movies (except those moments when silences is necessary). I relish in the moments I get to let out my childlike nature. I cherish the sight of beautiful sunsets, the sound of children laughing, and the feeling of the wind on my face. Stubbing my toe makes me think/say bad words. I hate anger, but I struggle with it all the time. I would rather try and fail than to not try at all. I continue to learn the importance of family, the comfort of friendships, the blessing of community, and the grace of God. In all of this I pray that God will continue to shape me into a woman that is after His own heart everyday.

More items for my list...

2007-07-07T16:49:00.001-07:00

more ideas for my "Things to do before I turn 26" list:

22) befriend a homeless person and learn their story
23) Get a my teeth clean...it's been over a year and a half now
24) Try to sneeze with my eyes open (just once, I imagine if I do it continuously my eyes WILL pop out of my head)
25) Journal more
26) Read at least 7 books
27) Build something with my own two hands (maybe a TV stand, or a keepsake box...I dunno), maybe a LEGOS structure....we'll see

p.s. yes I do know that if I actually sneeze with my eyes open, the force would push my eyeballs out of my head.

2007-07-07T06:59:00.000-07:00

GREAT NEWS!!! So I found out from a little bird (a little bird named Katie) that according to one of the individuals that interviewed me yesterday (he works with Katie). I did great in my interview!!!!! Which was a total shock to me, BUT it's very encouraging and a big confidence booster. So if y'all are praying, keep praying, and if you're not...start please! I would love the opportunity to have this job!

Man, it totally blew me away when Katie told me that, and it's a big answer to prayer.

So for now I will keep praying, and studying to make sure I'm prepared if they call me back for another interview.

Interviewing

2007-07-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

I completed my first interview at Safe Passage today, holy intense batman!!! We'll see though, I felt like I did.....ok. I always opt on the side of "maybe I didn't do very well" when it comes to exams and interviews, simply because I'm always nervous about those types of things. either way I have to trust that it's in God's hands, and we'll see where it goes from here. I truly want this job with my whole heart, but perhaps I'm not supposed to be at this job, and I have to trust that God will take care of it. So if this doesn't pan out, i will just keep looking and trust that God has something else in mind for me.

I'm going to go hangout with my friend Lauren now...it's time to layout by the pool.

Blessings

...gaping wounds, hollow hearts, and cracked souls

2007-06-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

....I did a lot of talking today (first Stephy, then Anna, then Della, and lastly...Katie). I have been doing so much talking that somehow my soul just began to seep out a little bit at a time. I've been trying so hard to keep it in; the wonderful, the terrifying, the joys, the sorrows, and the brokenness. It all just began to eek out of the cracks that appeared through every word that was spoken in the conversations I had.

...and i wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for my soul to start creeping out. I've been trying to put it all away, to keep it at bay. But now I'm trying to sort this all out; all the things that make me emotional, and edgey, and sad. And hopefully the things of my soul that have been kept in the dark that are slowly bringing themselves to light, will bring a dawn to my soul.

blessings.... I'm going to go journal

Being 25

2007-06-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately, well...who am I kidding, I'm always thinking too much...about something. Anyhoot, since I turned 25 a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about all the things I want to do this year here is my list of things so far:

THINGS TO DO BEFORE TURNING 26:
1) Begin taking classes to learn sign language.
2) Invest in my church and build community
3) Seek out the possiblity of moving to South Carolina or Atlanta
4) Become a coffee drinker
5) See Shane & Shane in concert
6) Lose 8 pounds and keep it off
7) Obtain a job in a career I love (crossing my fingers that this will happen within the next month)
8) Watch less TV and mountain bike more
9) Pay off at least half of my credit card debt
10) Pay off at least a third of my car payment
11) Go on a roadtrip (destination TBD)
12) Eat more sushi
13) Learn to be less stubborn
14) Learn to trust God more, doubt myself less, and be more giving of myself to others
15) Find greater appreciation in those I come in contact with everday
16) Take advantage of often overlooked opportunities to serve others
17) Give more, hoard less, sacrifice much
18) Take time weekly to appreciate ice cream, time with those I love, good conversations, laughter, and doing absolutely nothing
19) Visit one place geographically that I have never been before.
20) Seek out the possibilty of playing my violin in my church's worship team
21) Run a 5k

.....more to come, this is all I've come up with for now. Any suggestions I will willing consider.

Until next time...

Blessings!

....make it sing

2007-06-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

I miss playing my violin....I miss making it sing. I miss the way the music comes and goes and flows from my fingers. I miss pouring out myself through that instrument....I miss music in general. I miss playing my guitar and singing. There is just something that music does to me, to my well-being, to my soul. Music can

speak for me when words fail. I need to find the symphony of my soul again.

If I only knew

2007-06-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm in the midst of another very "in between time" in my life. There are moments are I am perfectly content and feel as though things have finally come together, like when I am at home or hanging out with new friends. Then there are times where I think....there is no way this is what God had planned for me. And it is at those times that I was I was sitting in the church in the photo. So that I could feel the vastness, endlessness, bigness of my Abba. And to hear the organ play as a choir sings....I get chills just thinking about it. I feel like there is more you know. More than just getting up at 5 a.m. everyday and going to a job I don't really enjoy, but work really hard at, because whether I enjoy a job or not...I will put in everything I have got.

I miss working with kids, I miss working with teens. I want so badly to get this job at SafePassage, it would be a dream come true. I just want to put my passion to use, and to come home being exhausted because I gave out everything that God gave me, and then to sit and let Him fill me again, so I can go in to work again the next day....and keep giving.

Don't get me wrong I understand that we should continually allow God to pour out our cup that He has filled, but I want to do it, where I feel like He has gifted me, not in just some 8 hour a day job.

anyways. I miss kids, I miss my kids at the Dale House, I miss the south, I have been desperately longing to move back to South Carolina, or to move to Atlanta.

God is big, and I have been forgetting that lately, and because I forget that....it makes me miss him. I can feel the hollow space within me, and it aches, but I feel too worn to let Him come near me.